


You And I Are (Never) Gonna Be Friends

by danveresque



Series: and then you'll come home to me [3]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Future Fic, M/M, Reunion 3.0
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:28:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 77,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23675383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danveresque/pseuds/danveresque
Summary: Robert is released early. Aaron has moved on.
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Ed Roberts, Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Series: and then you'll come home to me [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1459249
Comments: 646
Kudos: 619





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 2am is the best time to start writing a new fic, of course it is. More tagging when the rest of this fic turns up.

Robert leaned back in his chair, arms crossed as he peered at DS Wise. Wise had aged. Gone greyer. Greyer all round in fact. Robert regarded him quietly, coolly. It seemed just like yesterday that Wise had been sitting there getting in his face, judging Robert for killing a rapist. Now, almost three years later, he seemed...slightly sheepish.

“Well? Don’t have all day,” Robert said, “Pretty busy schedule as it happens.”

Wise cracked a smile, just a small one, as if surprised and relieved. What was he so relieved about? That prison hadn’t completely destroyed Robert yet? Wise couldn’t see the scar from a stab wound in the back, or he’d have an inkling of how close it had already come.

Robert looked at his solicitor who was sitting with one elbow propped near the edge of the table, worrying his bottom lip with his finger and thumb. Vic and Aaron flashed through Robert’s mind. “Has something happened?”

Paul had a little smirk on his face as he said, “You could say that.”

Robert frowned at him, before turning his gaze to Wise who took a deep breath before telling Robert, “There’s been a new investigation. Into Lee Posner’s death. It concerns irregularities with hospital records.”

“What kind of irregularities?” Robert asked, heart thumping hard in his chest, a meaty hope-shaped fist frantically knocking from the inside. _Don’t_ , he told himself, _don’t hope._

Wise looked at Paul. Paul unhelpfully arched a brow, forcing Wise to continue. “Mr. Sugden, there is...some evidence that suggests records were doctored to imply Mr Posner died as a result of the injury sustained at your hands. The court is ordering an exhumation of the body.”

“Not only that,” Paul said. “There is some suggestion of police involvement. A lot of people in a lot of trouble.”

“Sorry,” Robert said, letting out a laugh laced with just a tinge of hysteria. “Let me get this straight. I was set up?”

Wise opened his mouth, closed it, chose his words wisely before speaking. “Mr Sugden, Lee Posner was in hospital because you put him there. Someone exploited a set of circumstances for which you are still responsible.”

“And what are you responsible for?” Robert asked with a nod. “That scum raped my sister. Who knows how many other women? What did you do about that?”

Wise looked down, holding a breath, nodding. When he looked up he said, “In light of these new developments, your case is obviously under review.”

“Almost three years I’ve been in here,” Robert said. “Could have been out months ago on good behaviour. Could be playing with my son. Getting to know my nephew. Still be _married_. Not thinking about how I’m going make it through another day, let alone another eleven years. You’ve left me with nothing.”

“You’ll have your freedom. Mr Posner on the other hand is still dead,” Wise said.

Robert shook his head, telling Wise, “He got off easy. Trust me.”

A tense silence filled the room until Paul broke it. “I’ve started preliminary proceedings. I think you could potentially be out in a month or two.”

Robert considered Wise, considered everything, including the fact that he had little to go back to. There was only money now. The money his share of the business with Jimmy was making, the money in stocks that had surged once a modern day plague had finished doing its bit, and the money he was going to make.

Robert looked back at Paul and said, “Good. Because I’ve got another little job for you. I want you to find how much of a payout I can get as an upstanding citizen who was goaded into violence, after being extorted for money by a rapist before being framed for murder by someone who got helped out by a bent copper.”

Wise looked laughably appalled. “You put that man in hospital, Mr Sugden.”

“And I’ve paid the price,” Robert said. “I’ve done the time. I lost everything that meant anything. Someone is _going_ to pay for that. Was there anything else? It’s just that, I have things to get back to.”

Wise seemed to withhold a comment before nodding and walking out, leaving Robert in the little room with Paul and a bored prison guard.

Robert looked at his solicitor. “You could have said something.”

Paul smiled and shrugged. “I did tell you I was coming here with good news. Now, as long as you keep yourself away from trouble, you could be out of here in a month or two.”

Robert mustered a smile. “You know me. Wouldn’t say boo to a goose.”

He had managed to keep away from trouble for almost three years as it happened. The first three months had been rough, but after that he had a lay of the land, started making his alliances and learned to stay out of the way of troublemakers. There was no way to keep out of all trouble, but at least he hadn’t become the focal point of anyone’s ire.

Except for one guy recently, a big bulldog of a man who had gotten in his face a few times. Retaliation was a hard subject to consider with fourteen years stretched out before him. But knowing a little ruckus wasn’t going to add much to his stay inside, Robert did something he’d wanted for himself for a long time. He gathered up all his anger, all his frustration and he punched the bulldog square in the face, breaking that nose of his.

The hospital stay that followed was worth it.

*****

Aaron jolted awake, sitting up in bed. He looked around, finding himself alone in bed. He stared at the other side of the bed, unable to quite catch onto reality. With groggy urgency, Aaron stumbled out of bed and headed downstairs. One glance showed him the entirety of Dale View. He was alone. For the moment at least, as the back door was opening. Aaron twisted around, greedily peering at it with anticipation.

Aaron stopped short when he saw Ed walk in. Reality splashed over him like a bucket of ice cold water. Ed’s grin faded too as he frowned at whatever the look was on Aaron’s face. Ed closed the door, dropping the bag of shopping on the sofa and continued on towards Aaron. He placed his hand on Aaron’s arm, thumb comfortingly moving up and down.

“You alright?” he asked, peering into Aaron’s eyes as if he could read the thoughts behind them.

“Weird dream,” Aaron muttered, eyes flicking to the door before moving to the bag on the sofa. “Didn’t hear you go out.”

“Didn’t want to wake you. You were tossing and turning all night,” Ed said, careful and quiet. “Look...last night-”

Aaron scowled, shaking his head and shrugging, Ed taking his cue to back off, move away. “It’s not a big deal.”

“I reacted badly,” Ed said. His face scrunched up with embarrassment. “Acted like an idiot. I do get it, you know? You’ve been married before, you want to take your time. I mean, we only just moved into this place. I get it. I just...”

Ed sighed and looked away. Aaron reached for him. “What?”

Ed grinned. Shaking his head, he said, “Well, I love you, don’t I? Want to keep you all to myself. Put a ring on it.”

“Shut up,” Aaron said with a laugh.

Ed leaned against the corner of the sofa, sinking down a little, his eyes on Aaron and then shifting as he momentarily disappeared into his own mind. “When you left me back in France, I was so mad at you.”

“You gave me an ultimatum,” Aaron reminded him.

Ed nodded. “Yeah. The bloke you love or your best mate.”

“Ed...don’t-”

“I know, I’m sorry,” Ed said, genuinely looking sorry he’d mentioned that whole debacle. Again. “I know, Adam’s like your brother, I get it. Let’s...just pretend you never fancied him.”

“Shut up, will ya?” Aaron said, pulling a face, making Ed grin hard.

“What I meant to say was, before getting distracted, I missed you. Wanted to come after you. Didn’t think I’d ever see you again, and now we’re here and I keep thinking...you know, better seal the deal before Adam Barton comes back.”

Aaron nodded. “If you’re not careful, you’ll be getting divorce papers before you get an ‘I do’, mate.”

Grinning, Aaron moved to get the shopping bag, only to have Ed straighten up and block his way, pulling Aaron into an embrace. Ed quietly told him, “I’m not your mate, Dingle.”

“Are you not?” Aaron asked with a small smile. Ed slowly shook his head. Aaron nodded and told him, “Fair enough.”

Ed grinned, pressing a smiling kiss to Aaron’s mouth. For a moment, Aaron pretended France had never happened. They had never gone there. They’d stayed here in Emmerdale, together the whole time, happy like this.

There had been nothing else.

No one else.

*****

Two years and nine months served, Robert mused in the back of the cab. Sure, in the grand scheme of things it wasn’t too bad. It was only a few more months more than he would have served if Lee hadn’t snuffed it. However, it was two years and nine months served thinking his whole life was about to be lost to prison.

Every morning he would get up and every morning he would remember that he was sentenced to fourteen years. Sure, he could hope for early parole, but then he’d met man after man who’d been sitting around in the same hope, some for longer than fourteen years. He’d already lost so much, now he’d lose all that was left; youth, looks, smarts.

Not that looking attractive whilst seemingly serving at Her Majesty’s pleasure was a great self-preservation strategy.

Being freed early did little to wipe away the fear of being imprisoned long enough to have nothing to live for. It was all he could think of, the world moving on without him. Robert suspected there must have been a point when those who loved him could wake up in the morning having completely forgotten that he was no longer a part of their lives.

“Here you go, mate,” the chatty cab driver told him as they jolted to a stop outside Vic’s place.

Robert peered at Emmerdale, lit windows twinkling in the dark of night, causing a flutter in his chest as he got out of the cab. The driver helped him with his suitcase and rucksack to ensure he didn’t break his other arm, the left one already encased in a cast courtesy of Brian The Broken-Nosed Bulldog. He thanked the driver, watching him drive off and leaving him feeling rudderless for a moment.

Robert slung his rucksack over his shoulder and dragged his suitcase up the path, but not before his brainless heart attempted to turn his head in the direction of the Mill, not that there was anything to see. His heart shook with momentarily renewed grief all the same. That was his home once, where he lived with his family. Now it was out of reach, a reminder that nothing was permanent, least of all the idea of home.

Vic’s lights were on and he made his way to the door quickly, dragging all is belongings with one hand. He knocked on the door, picking up on Vic’s voice as she neared, telling someone, “He’s been a right little terror recently. Don’t know what’s gotten into him.”

“Boys will be boys, pet,” Diane’s unmistakable voice responded. Robert snorted at the remark.

Vic finally opened the door. Her eyes widened as she took in the broken arm in its sling, the faded bruises that still marred his face, Vic’s mouth hanging open in shock. It was Diane who broke the silence as she appeared behind Vic’s shoulder and gasped. “ _Robert!_ ”

Robert dredged up a smile. “Diane. Victoria. Miss me?”


	2. Chapter 2

The phone was ringing. Insistently it seemed. Aaron stopped buttering his toast, putting down the knife to pick up the phone. Vic’s grinning face was plastered across his screen, a giggling Harry in her arms. Aaron smiled and answered.

“Alright?” he said, putting her on speaker to go back to making breakfast.

“Hiya,” Vic said. “Listen, Aaron, about tonight. I won’t be needing ya to babysit Harry after all. Lecture’s been cancelled.”

“Well, we can still have him for a bit, if you want,” Aaron offered. “You were saying the other day you’ve got all this coursework.”

“Right,” Vic said slowly. “Actually, I’m kind of looking forward to extra Harry cuddles, and besides, you and Ed need time to be settling in too.”

“Vic. We’ve been here a month. He’s had a go at me about squeezing the toothpaste tube in the middle, I’ve had a go at him about leaving his shoes exactly where I’m going to trip over them. We’re settled, trust me.” Vic didn’t respond with a laugh or a friendly dig. Aaron frowned at the odd silence. “You still there?”

“Yeah, sorry got distracted,” Vic said. “Have you heard from Liv? She missed out on a really big Easter egg. Had to eat it all by myself.”

“Had to, did you?” Aaron said with a snort. “She’s doing good. Uni’s going well.”

“Brilliant. When do you think we might see her again?”

“Not sure. She said she was thinking about spending some time with Sandra.” Aaron sighed. “Not avoiding coming home at all, right?”

“’Course she’s not,” Vic said. “It’s just...it must be hard for her, after what happened. Give her time.”

“I know. Just miss her, that’s all.” Vic was quiet again. Long enough to flip the panic switch in Aaron’s chest. “Vic, has something happened?”

“What? No. What makes you say that?”

Aaron shrugged. “Nothing...just, I don’t know, you sound a little off.”

“Oh,” she said, still sounding like she was miles away. That flutter in his chest, it was like a hummingbird floating up inside his heart. Vic sighed and told him, “Just...having a weird morning.”

“Okay,” Aaron said with a nod. “Well, you know I’m here if you need to talk about anything.”

“’Course I do. Like I said...weird morning.” Aaron nodded to that. He had plenty of mornings where everything felt normal and suddenly a forgotten reality rushed into his mind like a winter wind, asking him how he could dare to forget. He sighed, his breath shuddering in his chest. “Aaron?”

Aaron cleared his throat. “Yeah.”

“You alright?” She sounded like she already knew the answer.

“Yeah. I’m just...getting breakfast together,” he said, picking up the kettle and pouring water into his cup.

“Oh, sorry, I should let you go then. Don’t want Ed going hungry,” she said.

“Nah, you’re alright. He was up and out at six. Avoiding me,” Aaron said, pulling a face at his tea as he stirred in the milk.

“What? Why?”

“He’s meeting this footballer who got hurt really bad. Probably won’t play again.” Vic let out a quiet _oh_ of understanding. “Yeah. He was all quiet and distant last night. I told him I understood how hard it must be. That I know he’d rather be playing rugby than be a physical therapist if he had the choice. Anyway, definitely not the right thing to say.”

“What happened?” Vic asked.

Aaron sighed, leaning against the edge of the kitchen and looking out into the rest of the house which felt small and empty all at the same time. “He said he couldn’t see how I understood since it didn’t happen to me. End of conversation.”

“Aaron-”

“It’s okay,” Aaron told her, musing on all the things he could never really talk to Ed about. Things that seemed not for Ed to hear, having already been heard by someone else, somehow belonging to… _him_. “He’s right. I can’t understand what it’s like for him. Ed had so much going for him, and now-”

“He has you,” Vic said. “And he’s so lucky. He has no idea how lucky.”

“Shut up will ya,” Aaron said.

“I won’t,” Vic said. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Aaron said, smiling at the phone. “ _And_ , I’ll be around if you change your mind about Harry.”

“Okay. Thank you,” Vic said. “Go on then, go have have your sad lonely brekkie.”

“Yeah, that’s enough,” Aaron said reaching for the phone, ending the call in the middle of a very long _byeeeeee_.

Aaron picked up his breakfast, taking it to the small rectangular dining table on the other side of the kitchen counter they’d put in to split the kitchen from the living room. He sat back and took a gulp of his too hot tea, wondering why the hummingbird inside his chest wouldn’t stop beating its little wings.

*****

Robert blinked up at the ceiling. Nope, he thought, still not used to it.

Since leaving prison, every morning his brain had jolted at the sight of the ceiling being further away from the top bunk where he expected to wake up. His heart shook a little in terror when his eardrums weren’t assaulted by the sounds of inmates, the unlocking of heavily bolted doors, guards shouting out orders.

Once it passed, he felt grateful for the relative silence, away from the ugly noise of prison, he could have wept if he hadn’t become so accustomed to keeping everything locked up tight, away from prying eyes looking for a chink in his armor.

He almost did weep when Vic stumbled forward the night before, breaking down and crying as she wrapped her arms around him. He’d felt something hit the walls around his heart hard, causing a crack. He’d pulled away and hugged Diane, somehow keeping it together.

They ushered him into the living room, watching him from the sofa as he stiffly took the armchair, exhausted by travel. Looking around, he said, “Hasn’t changed much.”

“Well, I’m sure it’s hard decorating with a little one running about,” Diane said, beaming at him. “Did you get the photos of little Harry?”

Robert opened his mouth to deflect the question, but Vic cut him off. “Why didn’t you say you were getting out? You could have called me and let me know so I could come get ya.”

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Robert said. “It was all a bit sudden.”

“What did you do to your arm and face?” Diane said, pointing at the injuries as if he didn’t know where they were.

“Lost an arm wrestle on the way out.” Robert said offering a small smile. When he looked at Vic, her chin was wobbling and a stream of tears followed.

Robert leaned forward, offering his hand, which Vic took in a tight grip. “Hey. Come on. I’m out now. You don’t need to worry about me. Besides, the other bloke’s nose is never going to look the same again.”

Vic shook her head, still looking distraught. “How is this happening, Rob? How are you even here?”

With some reluctance, Robert told Vic and Diane about the new investigation and the reduction of his sentence, keeping it short and sweet. He didn’t want to think about it anymore, about how easily he could still be inside, waiting for his parole, rotting for fourteen years. Diane and Vic looked stunned. A look passed between them, full of something he wasn’t a party to.

“What is it?” Robert asked.

Vic turned towards him, though her gaze was somewhere else. “I’ve had a few missed calls from Wendy. Beginning to see why.”

Robert stared at her. “She can’t still be bothering you.”

It turned out Robert should have read those letters that came to him and went straight under his mattress, lying there like little unexploded mines.

Of course things had moved on after him. Of course Wendy wanted to be a part of Harry’s life. Robert just hadn’t banked on it happening, Vic falling for Lee’s brother even less. It made his head throb thinking about it. It seemed like yesterday Lee and his mother were hounding Vic, Lee saying those awful things on Robert’s doorstep.

But he listened to Vic. Nodded in all the right places. Robert thought back to Aaron pleading with him to not wreck their lives because he was so obsessed, so angry. The way he _had_ wrecked their lives. He’d never be too smart to not be angry, so listened quietly because he didn’t have the stamina to get banged up again.

“Okay,” he’d said when Vic finished talking. She’d frowned at him, waiting for something, maybe expecting an outburst, a bad reaction. He settled on, “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to be there for you during all that.”

There was awkward silence, Vic hastily wiping away more tears, before Diane suggested she make something to eat for them all, scurrying away into the kitchen.

“So, where’s my nephew then?” Robert asked.

Vic smiled at the mention of Harry. “Sleeping. I can wake him. He gets to stay up late for special occasions, like Christmas and-”

“Meeting his jailbird uncle?” Robert said. It was supposed to make Vic laugh, but she just ended up looking a little devastated. Robert gave her look. “Vic. I’m okay, you know? Relatively speaking. What I’m _not,_ is going back to prison.”

“Promise?” she asked.

He swallowed down the sudden tightness in his throat. “Yeah. Promise.”

Vic nodded at him tearfully, getting up from the sofa. “I’ll get Harry, so he can meet his _brilliant_ uncle.”

“No, let him sleep. I’ll come back and see him tomorrow,” Robert said.

“Come back? From where? If you’re thinking about staying at the B&B you’ve got another thing coming. You’re staying with me.” Vic smiled and asked, “Will the box room be alright?”

Robert smiled back, genuine, happy, light. "More than alright.”

The rest of the evening was spent talking about Harry with hundreds of pictures to accompany. Vic was studying part-time and excited about it. Graham was dead. Bernice was gone. Kim Tate was still a colossal pain in the arse, apparently. Vic did a great job skating around a most obvious topic of conversation, cutting Diane off smoothly whenever it seemed she was entering worrying territory. When he’d gone to bed, it finally seemed that prison was somewhere faraway, that a door wasn’t open right behind him still, waiting to drag him back inside.

“You’re awake,” Vic said, standing in the doorway of his, for now, bedroom.

Robert looked at her, her dark hair framing her face. She was looking more and more like their mum. Or maybe Robert was just seeking out someone he wished was there. He sat up. “Yeah. This bed’s just not as comfortable as one with a big ugly bloke sleeping under it.”

Vic made a face and came into the room, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “So.”

“So,” Robert echoed.

“You ain’t even asked about him once,” Vic said. “I get why your letters were like that, you knew my big gob would be repeating it all to him, but you’re out now. Don’t you want to know how he is?”

“I forced him to move on,” Robert said. “I don’t get to ask how he is. He’d tell you as much.”

“You didn’t see him, Robert. I was so scared for him, we all were. Things got really bad.”

“Vic-”

“There are things you need to know, Rob,” Vic said with a hard look. “Things you can’t avoid. Things you’d _know_ if you’d opened those letters.”

Robert let out a laugh. “Like what? That he’s with another bloke? Husband goes to prison for fourteen years and divorces him and he moves on. Big shocker.”

“And that he’s living just doors down from me,” Vic said. “With said new bloke.”

Robert felt himself lose the use of his mouth for a second, jaw working against a tremor he felt deep inside. “Doors down? Why not the Mill?”

Vic rolled her lips into her mouth, clamping it shut for a second as her eyes flicked to the walls. “The Mill’s gone. Well, not gone, but...there was a fire. Whole place was gutted.”

Robert stared at her, considering that information for a moment. A smart man would take this as a sign – all that was left of his life before prison was ashes, and what life could be rebuilt from ashes? Robert smiled an old inconsiderate smile, shrugging. “So?”

Vic sat back, eyes wide with surprise. She shook her head. “Rob. That was your home.”

“Yeah,” Robert said with a nod. “ _Was_ being the operative word. I came back to Emmerdale to see you, Harry. Diane. There’s nothing else here that belongs to me. Nothing that I belong to. I’m sorry for...I’m sorry the Mill’s gone. But it’s not my problem.”

“Robert-”

“ _Vic,”_ Robert looked away from her intense gaze, his voice having sounded too desperate for his liking. Taking a shaky breath, he said, “Is...is he happy?”

He looked at Vic. She nodded, telling him, “Yeah. He is. He’s happy.”

Robert nodded back. “That’s all I need to know.”


	3. Chapter 3

Aaron stepped out of the cubbyhole of an office finding Ed leaning against a car, holding a small cardboard cup-holder carrying two coffees, like some...ex-rugby player coffee model...

Aaron cleared his throat. “What you doing here? Thought you had a phone consultation.”

“Nice,” Ed said, Aaron’s lack of appreciation for a coffee-toting boyfriend definitely being picked up on. Even so, Ed smiled at him. “Missed you this morning.”

Ed took one of the cups from the holder and presented it to Aaron. Aaron took it with a little nod of thanks. “Will called in sick. Cain’s running late, so I’ve gotta be here. Besides, I’ve got a stake in the place now, so can’t not come in.”

“Should own the whole place with the amount of hours you put in.”

Aaron rolled his eyes. “Yeah, alright, laying it on a bit thick.”

Ed grinned, eyes twinkling. They were both older now, made of sterner stuff, a history of heartbreak behind them, but Aaron’s stomach still did a strange little flip when Ed looked at him in a particular way, as if they were much younger, back where it all began, where there seemed to be nothing but a hopeful future ahead.

Aaron smiled and looked down at the coffee. “Thanks. For this.”

“Peace offering,” Ed said softly. “I acted like an idiot the other day. I know you were just trying to make me feel better. I suppose...I just wanted to be able to feel bad for a bit. If that makes any sense.”

Aaron’s annoyance was long gone. He nodded. “It does. I’m sorry if I pushed ya.”

Ed put his coffee on the bonnet of the car, doing the same with Aaron’s, stepping closer. He Aaron’s hand, Aaron clamping down on a smile. “You didn’t. I just couldn’t talk about it and I should have said. Much better than eating your angry pasta and being cold-shouldered all night, not seeing you this morning.”

“I told you why I left this morning wait...angry pasta?”

“I _know_ ,” Ed said. “What I’m trying to say is, I don’t want it to be like how it got in France, you shutting me out, avoiding me. We’re not kids anymore, Aaron. You can’t just get all stroppy on me, you know?”

“I do,” Aaron said earnestly, “but you have to _talk_ to me. I can’t be guessing what’s in your head. It makes me feel like you’re keeping things from me, and...I don’t want to go backwards either. I want to make it work. Unless Adam comes back that is. Then your number’s up.”

Ed laughed, tugging Aaron closer. “Shut up, Dingle.”

“Make me,” Aaron said, tilting his chin up for a kiss.

Ed pressed his lips to Aaron’s with a pleased smile, sliding an arm around his shoulders. It was unhurried, soft and sweet, tasting of coffee and indulgence and it warmed Aaron to the core, chasing away the early morning April chill.

“I’ve got the day off,” Ed murmured as he pulled away. “Try and finish up early, yeah?”

Aaron felt his cheeks heat, unable to look away from Ed. He made to pull away, but Ed held on with a mischievous look on his face.

“Ah...blimmin' heck,” Cain said, walking into the garage mid-unzipping his jacket, stopping to scowl at them. “You know you’ve got a home for all that, don’t you? You’ll be scaring away the punters.”

“Yeah, well, if my boyfriend didn’t spend more time here than he does at home, there’d be no need to put on a show for your punters, would there?” Ed said amiably, with winning smile. Cain just stared at him, as if he couldn’t figure out whether he’d been given lip or not.

Aaron placed a hand on Ed’s arm and said, “Why don’t we meet in the pub later, for tea? Won’t have time for more than a sandwich at lunch.”

Ed deflated just a little as he sighed. “Right. Well, I’ll be at home, if you need me.”

“I won’t,” Aaron said with an innocent look.

Ed backed away, shrugging. “If you feel like a little chat.”

“Nothing to say, mate,” Aaron said with a shake of his head.

“Kick about?” Ed said, grabbing his coffee. He glanced at Cain who was busy putting his overalls on and back at Aaron, mouthing, _back rub_.

Aaron glared, mouthing, _go_. Ed flashed a bright grin and sauntered off, leaving Aaron watching with a smile on his face.

“You about done?” Cain asked, pouring cold water on Aaron’s little moment.

Aaron made a face at him and grabbed his coffee, muttering, “What is wrong with you?”

*

The first time Robert met Harry, he was faced with a terrible thought. He was petrified that he might look at his nephew’s face and see Lee Posner looking back at him, laughing from beyond the grave. Then he saw a little boy with Vic’s eyes, her lips, the same sweet smile. The same brown hair. There might even have been a little of Jack Sugden in that nose of his.

It reminded Robert that the children of monsters didn’t have to be monsters too.

Harry had a sweet and cheeky temperament like Vic. Robert hoped life would be kind and keep it that way. Now that they were well acquainted, Harry made for good company. He was currently staring with wonder at the portion of the drawing they were both working on and Robert’s expert colouring inside the lines skills.

“You are _good_!” Harry all but shouted, before slamming his crayon back down and haphazardly scribbling on the page in a quest to complete his pink _dina-sor_.

Robert nodded. “Thank you. You’re not so bad yourself.”

Harry continued to colour, focus squarely on his dinosaur, while Robert found himself just watching his nephew. He thought of Seb. The last time he saw him Robert had been preparing to go on the run. Maybe he should have just left the day Seb was born rather than fail him later anyway. His dad had once told him that he ruined everything he touched. Turned out Jack Sugden was right.

“What’s this then?” Vic asked, walking in and smiling at Harry.

“Harry was just helping me to colour in some dinosaurs,” Robert explained.

“Really? Well, let’s have a look,” Vic said, perching on the sofa edge to looking at both Robert and Harry who were sat side by side on the floor, using the coffee table for their colouring efforts. She peeked over Harry’s shoulder, nodding with approval. “Very nice. Looks like Uncle Robert’s colouring has _definitely_ improved.”

Harry grinned at Vic, giggling before returning to his colouring sheet. Vic was positively beaming at Robert. He rolled his eyes. “What?”

“This? Didn’t think it would be possible. But you’re here.”

Robert watched Harry, his mind spiraling away into a million what-ifs. What if Seb had never gone with Rebecca and Ross? He could have had so much more time with his son. What if Natalie had come along earlier? What if knowing a baby was on the way had stopped him from thinking about Lee and ruining everything?

Or...what if that baby had come along and Robert had gone to prison and missed that too?

What if he’d never gone? What then? Maybe there would be a baby running around in the burnt out shell that used to be his home? Maybe Seb would be in front of Robert right now, playing with his cousin and younger brother or sister.

What if he still had...what if...

“Rob? What is it?” Vic asked softly, her hand on his shoulder.

Robert swallowed, his throat feeling tight, his voice unsure. He took a moment, clearing his throat. “I phoned Rebecca.”

“Right,” Vic said, as quiet, a little nervous. “And?”

“Said I want to see Seb.” Vic’s eyes went round and wide with worry. He gave her a shake of the head. “No, it’s fine. We had a really long talk. I got angry at her. She got angry at me. I told her she couldn’t stop me from seeing him. She said she’ll arrange something once she figures out how to explain to a five year old that his dad’s suddenly reappeared.”

Vic straightened up, scowling at him. “Well...that’s good. Isn’t it?”

“Was expecting her to put up a fight to be honest.” Robert shook his head. “She should’ve. He won’t even remember me. I’ll just be some random bloke to him, disrupting his life. _Again_.”

“Robert,” Vic said quietly. “He’s _five._ A _baby_. There’s nothing but time ahead of you now. And sod this talk about disrupting his life. What if you weren’t around and he turned up on your doorstep at twenty-one and asked you why you never bothered with him? Do you really think that’s better?”

“Better than me as a dad,” Robert scoffed.

“You’re a great dad. I know how much you love him. That you’d do anything to protect him. You’d do anything for that little boy.”

Vic looked at Harry, swatting away falling tears, her mouth turned down with sadness as she quietly seemed to contemplate something.

Nodding, she said, “Just like you would do anything for the people you love. I can’t think of a better dad.”

Robert looked away from Vic, trying to find some stillness, trying to step away from the jumble of emotions buzzing in his chest, buzzing in his mind. It was a blessing when Harry shoved a piece of paper Robert’s face, showing him a crudely coloured in pink dinosaur.

Harry was grinning at Robert, looking proud of himself. Robert felt something deep in chest hurt and crack. He smiled through it, nodding at Harry. “It’s good. Needs more pink though.”

Harry exasperatedly slapped the page back on the coffee table and continued colouring, Vic letting out a laugh of surprise. She smiled at Robert. “You’ll get to see Seb grow up, and you’ll get to see this one grow up too. You’ve another chance at happiness, Robert. Don’t be so scared you let it slip through your fingers.”

Robert continued watching Harry, keeping to himself that after a too brief goodbye, happiness had slipped through his fingers years ago.

*

Aaron slipped into the booth, taking the empty seat opposite Ed and offering him an apologetic smile. 

Ed frowned at him, looking confused. “Yeah, sorry, mate, but I’m actually waiting for my boyfriend. I know he’s thirty minutes late, but I plan on holding that over him when he gets here.”

Aaron shook his head as if disappointed. “That muppet don’t deserve you. I’d never keep a fit bloke like you waiting.”

Ed looked both surprised and delighted, flashing a happy grin. “Yeah. Okay. Nice save. Still late though.”

“Right,” Aaron said, nodding, “because, I finished off the motor I was working on so I can a have a lie-in tomorrow.”

“Oh?” Ed was grinning knowingly. “That’s funny, because I just happen to have a free schedule tomorrow morning.”

“Interesting that, innit?” Aaron said with a faux look of confusion on his face.

“It is now,” Ed said, his eyes flicking up and down, shamelessly giving Aaron the once over.

Aaron pointed towards the bar. “I’m gonna go get a drink. You want another?”

“Nah, I’m good. Just come back today yeah?” Ed said.

“Funny,” Aaron said with an eyeroll.

His mum seemed to be waiting for him at the bar, wearing a grin on her face that seemed way too big for it.

“You alright?” Aaron said, giving her a nod.

“Just happy to see my son,” Chas said with a perky little shrug.

“Do you think you could look a little less happy? You’re scaring people. By which I mean me,” Aaron said with a little _ha_. Her smile fell away to reveal something more comforting: disappointment.

“Pint?” she asked. Aaron nodded, watching her as she kept one eye on the pump and the other on Ed, her mouth curving into a smile that looked less painful than the one before. “I’ve got to say-”

“I mean, do you though? Like, really?”

“If I had a fella like that,” she started whilst Aaron sighed and leaned against the bar, forehead cradled in the palm of his hand, “I’d be waiting for _him._ _”_

“Thanks for the pint,” Aaron said, reaching for the glass, only to have it pulled back. Aaron scowled at his empty hand, showing it questioningly to Chas.

“You know, now you have your own place you really should-”

“Walk away before you finish that sentence?” Aaron asked. Chas pouted at him. “Do you think I could have that pint? What with this being a pub and all.”

Chas handed him the glass, accompanied by an unimpressed look. Aaron escaped before she could open her mouth back up. When he sat back down Ed gave him an odd look, mouth clamped in that way where he was trying to be sensitive about something – that something usually being a Dingle.

Aaron turned back and looked at Chas who quickly tottered off towards a customer. He deflated as he looked back at Ed. “She been at you and all?”

Ed tilted his head, peering at Aaron and shrugging. “She just wants you to be happy.”

“She’s got a funny way of showing it,” Aaron said, taking a gulp of his beer.

Ed gently prodded his foot under the table. “Come on.”

“Whatever. Listen, should we finish our drinks and go home? We’ll get a takeaway, watch a movie or summat. I’ll even let you choose.” Ed didn’t respond, too busy watching something in the direction of the bar. “Oi. You listening?”

“Umm, yeah,” Ed said absently. “We should do that.”

“What?” Aaron asked, following Ed’s gaze.

Chas and Cain were stood at the end of the bar, Chas listening closely to whatever Cain was telling her. When Cain finished, her head snapped in Aaron’s directions, her wide eyes meeting his. She quickly looked away, Aaron left feeling unsettled.

Cain looked confused for a second, but then he caught sight of Aaron and a look of realisation dawning spread across his features. He licked his bottom lip, teeth following up by scraping over it in a tell that spoke volumes.

Cain nodded at Aaron with a tight little jerk of the head. Aaron nodded back, watching Cain return to the conversation with Chas before she walked off in the direction of the backroom, Cain following a with practiced lack of urgency.

“Okay,” Ed said. “Whatever that is, it’s not good.”

“I’m going to see what’s going on,” Aaron said, out of his seat.

“Want me to come with you?” Ed asked.

“Um...no,” Aaron said quietly, unsure of whether he wanted Ed standing by him enough to expose him to more Dingle drama.

“You sure?” Aaron nodded. “Alright. But I’m going in there if you’re not out in five minutes, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “Okay. Thanks.”

Aaron’s heart tripped nervously as he made his way to the back of the pub. Of the mountain of questions he had, there was an obvious one right on top and it was making his body feel like a weakly-made sandcastle, bound to collapse at the lightest touch.

“Will you calm down? You’re acting like someone’s died,” Cain snapped at Chas just as Aaron walked in.

His mum looked worried, frayed around the edges. Cain looked careful, as if Aaron was a bomb likely to explode. Those looks on their faces, Aaron knew those looks well. They were wondering how to handle him. The hummingbird in Aaron’s chest fluttered hard.

“What’s happened?” They both remained silent, which did it, pushing Aaron’s composure away, his eyes stinging, a cascade of tremors moving down his face. “Is someone hurt?”

Chas sighed, shaking her head and looking regretful. “Oh...no, love. It’s nothing like that.”

“Then what is it?” Chas stared at him, brow furrowed with worried. “ _Mum_.”

Cain let out a breath, biting on his bottom lip for a second before he unzipped his jacket and pulled out a folded newspaper. “Here. Better read it yourself.”

“Cain _don’t._ ” Chas reached for the paper, only for Cain to hold it out of her reach.

“You’re being daft. He needs to know, Chas,” Cain told her. He looked at Aaron, holding out the paper, “Here.”

Aaron took it, unable for a moment to do anything other than just hold it, his arm locked in place. Did he even need to read it? Weren’t his hands shaking for a very specific reason? That question he had on top of his mountain of questions, it was prodding at his lips to speak. 

Cain saved him though by answering it without Aaron uttering a word. “It’s Robert. He’s been released.”


	4. Chapter 4

Aaron awoke feeling like a herd of elephants had stampeded through his skull, leaving it bruised and sore. He grimaced as he cracked his eyes open to the dim light of the room, scowling at himself lying in the middle of the bed, one bare leg sticking out from under the covers. He shifted it back under the warmth of the duvet, before pulling the duvet all the way up to under his chin. Rolling onto his side, he buried his face in Ed’s pillow, breathing in the faded smell of soap, of shampoo, a touch of deodorant. It was a comforting distraction.

But there was a throb in his head, vying for his attention.

_What happened? Don’t you remember? Don’t you want to remember?_

_Throb. Throb._ _Throb._

The night before was a blur. He remembered Ed sitting across from him laughing too hard about something. He remembered his third pint, someone telling him to take it easy. He remembered stepping inside the door of their house, his hands in Ed’s jacket pulling him down into a kiss, Ed laughing and telling him, “Slow down will ya?”

Aaron remembered shoving an amused looking Ed back onto their bed, clumsily climbing on top of him into a messily welcome kiss. He remembered pulling and tugging at clothes, his skin tingling with the memory of touch and taste. He could still hear Ed panting in his ear, coming with a long keening moan and appreciative cursing.

Aaron frowned, there was something else underneath all that he wasn’t remembering at all.

Until it hit him like a wave. He rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling before slapping a hand over his eyes. That newspaper. Now that he remembered, he couldn’t stop seeing it, half of the page taken up by Lee’s smiling face. Underneath, amidst the story of his death and the new investigation, a small picture of Robert. It was old, from when he was with Home Farm. He looked his cocky and charming best. Aaron’s mouth had twitched up into a smile at the bright look on Robert’s face. But it fell quick, his mind cruelly replaying their last moment together, Robert clinging to him, knowing he was going to cut himself off from Aaron forever, asking not to be forgotten.

 _You idiot_ , Aaron still thought, _you flipping idiot._

“Suffering?” Aaron flinched, moving his hand away to see Ed watching him from the doorway. Ed looked a little surprised as he came over to sit on the bed. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. How do you feel? You _look_ terrible.”

Aaron managed a glare that didn’t make his throbbing head collapse in on itself. “I’m fine.”

Ed nodded to the bedside table where there was a tall glass of water and a pack of Paracetamol. “Might want to pop a few, old man. Hangovers after thirty, the worst.”

Aaron arched his neck, pressing his head back into the pillow. “Shut up, will ya?”

“Fine,” Ed said, holding up his hands. “You want to sleep? Or should I get breakfast going? Nice fry up.”

Aaron made an objecting sound as his stomach churned. “Don’t know.”

“Best hangover cure,” Ed offered, brows climbing up as he waited for a yes. Aaron snorted, relenting with a small smile. Ed grinned, leaning in to press a chaste kiss to Aaron’s mouth.

When he pulled back, Aaron said, “Sorry. Didn’t mean to get so carried away last night.”

“Which part?” Ed asked. “The drinking like there’s no tomorrow, which, not great. Or the part where you dragged me up the stairs and-”

Aaron groaned, turning and shoving his face back into the pillow. “Don’t.”

Ed slid over Aaron to spoon up behind him, slipping his arm around Aaron’s waist. He rested his chin on Aaron’s shoulder, murmuring quietly, “Wasn’t all bad.”

“Thanks,” Aaron snorted.

“You know though, getting tanked, not really the best way to deal with Dingle drama,” Ed said. “If Debbie and Cain have fallen out again, not much you can do about it. You have to let them sort it.”

Aaron swallowed, feeling like a traitor, lying there in Ed’s arms, listening to him repeat back Aaron’s lie.

“Oi.” Ed gave Aaron a little shake. “Gone back to sleep?”

“No,” Aaron said, swallowing. “Listening.”

Ed let out a quiet little satisfied sigh. “Tell you what, why don’t you have another hour in bed? When you wake up, you jump in the shower, I’ll make breakfast.”

Aaron nodded mutely, too busy wondering about the whereabouts of one Robert J. Sugden.

*****

Robert jolted out of his trance at the sound of loud banging on the door.

Who knew how long he might have stood in front of the bathroom mirror otherwise, staring at the marks left by prison. His bruises had faded and the cast on his arm would come off soon, his broken wrist hopefully having healed up right. The other bruises though, the memories, he figured would take longer. That terror of being attacked, those night-time noises, that lack of control over his own life – scrubbing that off and out of him, that would take time.

He had caught sight of himself, glaring, jaw clenched. He was so angry, but he couldn’t quite figure at whom. Lee? The police for their cock up? Every bloke in that prison who had seen Robert as an easy target? Himself? It was hard to untangle all the reasons.

“Victoria?” came a shout with the banging.

Robert stepped out of the bathroom, looking down the stairs from the landing. He knew that voice well. Most people probably had the voices of their mother-in-laws burnt into their brains.

“Oh my god, I am coming!” Vic snapped, appearing at the foot of the stairs. She looked up at Robert questioningly. He nodded and moved out of view, putting himself in listening distance as Vic opened the door.“Where’s the fire?”

“In my house,” Chas said, never over the top. The door slammed, Chas’s voice coming from the living room. “Do you know anything about this?”

“It’s a newspaper? They’re mostly filled with lies?” Vic said. Robert smiled.

“Ha ha. I’m talking about _this_.” It had gone quiet, bad quiet. Robert frowned. After a moment Chas spoke, sounding remorseful. “Vic...I’m so sorry. I didn’t even think.”

“About shoving a picture of my rapist in my face?” Vic asked. “No, Chas, you didn’t.”

Robert stiffened, angling his head to hear them better, moving down the stairs. Chas, he thought, sensitive as a hot poker up the backside. Some things never changed.

“Vic, love. I’m sorry. I’m just...my head’s not in the right place,” Chas said. “I’m here about this. There, read it.”

Quiet followed until Vic spoke. “I...I hadn’t seen this.”

“No,” Chas said. “But you knew?”

“Yeah,” Vic said. “I knew they reduced his sentence to what it should have been. Since he’d served more than half, they let him out on license.”

“Vic. That’s not what I’m asking you,” Chas said. “You know what I’m asking.”

“I _know_ what you’re _not_ asking,” Vic said. “I’ll tell you anyway, shall I? Yes, he’s okay, considering the circumstances. Considering the bruises and a broken arm from being _beaten_ up. Considering he hasn’t seen his son in almost three years. _Thanks_ for asking.”

Vic’s voice was shaking and Chas didn’t respond immediately. When she did, she was quieter, softer. Nice change of tactic.

“I _am_ happy he’s out, you know?” Chas said. “Broke my heart they’d locked him up for fourteen years for what happened to...that _scum_. But Aaron is my son and I can’t not worry about what this is going to do to him.”

“You know what it’ll do to him?” Vic said. “He’ll be happy. He’ll be happy someone he loves isn't rotting away in prison.”

By the sound, or lack of, Chas didn’t seem to like that answer. After a moment, she said, “Aaron’s moved on, like Robert _wanted_ , unless you’ve forgotten the state my son was in when Robert cut him off.”

“You didn’t seem to mind at the time. You _wanted_ Aaron to move on, didn’t ya?” Vic asked.

“And he _has_ ,” Chas snapped. “He’s got a _future_ with Ed. They’ve got a _past_ with each other, and they _love_ each other. Robert turning up here-”

“Oh, I hope you’re not going where I think you’re going with his,” Vic snapped. “Because Robert is my brother and I _want_ him here. Emmerdale is his home.”

“If he comes here, he will ruin Aaron’s life, Vic,” Chas said quietly. “Aaron is going to destroy everything he’s built with Ed. Your brother has a hold over him you can’t even begin to understand.”

“You can’t really blame me for that,” Robert said, stepping into the living room.

Chas twisted around and stared him for the longest time, her eyes on his bruises, on the arm hanging by his side in its cast. He saw a hint of sadness, maybe a hint of relief. He needed to snap her out of it.

“Ted’s the one you want to blame.”

Chas’s expression soured immediately. She was shaking her head – _typical Robert._ “You’ll break his heart. You know you will.”

“He’s a big boy, Chas,” Robert said. “I’m sure he’ll get over it. Besides, this other bloke would never have gotten lucky if I didn’t get banged up. In fact, if I’d been sentenced properly, Aaron would have been waiting outside those gates for me. You know he would.”

Chas walked up to him nodding. “You’re right. He’d have been waiting. We’d have thrown you a party. We’d all have started celebrating weeks ago. Only, we all thought we’d lost ya for _fourteen_ years, maybe more. You can’t just come here now-”

“I can do what I want, Chas,” Robert said curtly. “You know I will.”

“If you loved him-”

“If you loved him you’d mind your own business,” Robert bit out. “Sadly though, interfering seems to be part of the Dingle DNA.”

Chas stared open-mouthed, letting out a bitter laugh as she nodded, having figured him out in all of ten seconds. “Didn’t take much to turn you back into that _selfish_ greedy boy you’ve always been.”

Robert laughed. “Yeah. Being banged up and looking at fourteen years behind bars is nothing. Now, if you’re about done ruining my morning, you know where the door is.”

Chas pointed a finger in his face. “This isn’t over. I’ll be keeping my eye on you. You even look at my son-”

“I plan on much more than just looking, Chas,” Robert said. “You do what you have to.”

Chas went very still and then slapped him hard enough to snap his head to the side, eliciting a gasp from Vic.

“Right, I think you better leave, Chas. _Now_ ,” Vic said, ushering Chas away from Robert and towards the door. “You’re bang out of order.”

“Tell that to your brother,” Chas yelled as she left.

Robert was flexing his jaw when Vic came back into the room to stand in front of him, looking baffled. “Robert. What are you playing at? Is that why you wanted to know if Aaron's happy? To get back with him?"

Robert rolled his eyes. "Just leave it, Vic."

"You think getting on Chas’s bad side is the best way, do you? She’ll be filling his ears before you even get a chance to speak to him! And why didn't you tell me you were thinking about getting back together-”

"Vic," Robert said calmly, stopping in her tracks. She waited. He said, "A bit of breakfast would be nice."

Vic looked unimpressed. "You know where the kitchen is."

Smiling with amusement, he went to make breakfast, pleased to know that Chas was back in The Woolpack devising ways to keep her son away from Robert. Watching steam escaping from the bubbling kettle, he mused that the best way to do something was still to get someone else to do it for him without even realising.


	5. Chapter 5

“You know, in the last match my knee was playing up, but next one, I’m going to hand you your _ass_ , mate.”

Aaron frowned, turning his attention from mid-morning telly to his boyfriend who was lying on the sofa with his head resting in Aaron’s lap, having long given up whatever it was he had been doing on his laptop.

Aaron gave him a look. “It’s five-a-side, not the World Cup. And why do you always end up playing on the other side anyway? Should be playing on _my_ side.”

Ed grinned. “Aww. You’re not still mad about me being picked before you, are ya?”

Aaron ignored the question, choosing to sulk and then having to laugh when Ed grinned just that bit wider. It was nice this, just being together. They’d both ended up having a little lie-in, Ed cooking up breakfast while Aaron showered, both of them migrating to the sofa later to supposedly look through their respective paperwork, only to end up indulging in each other’s company.

This was what life was all about wasn’t it? Just being with who you cared about. This was what he needed. He needed Ed, in _this_ house, in its newness, with their rituals that were forming day by day. He needed to be here and now, not thinking about everything that was lost and irretrievable.

A sharp knock on the front door made him flinch.

“I’ll get it,” Ed said, jumping up and jogging over to the door. Aaron turned his head to look in the direction of the front door, his heart hammering hard.

“Chas,” Ed said. “Come on in.”

Aaron watched his mum come around the sofa, smiling and pointing her clasped hands at him, his heart still tripping at the thought that... he frowned, looking back at the door and then at Chas.

“I was just at the garage. You weren’t there,” his mum said.

Aaron frowned. “Right?”

“Any reason?” Chas asked way too cheerily and as transparent as flipping air.

“Aaron worked late last night so he could go in a bit later. We thought we might spend some, uh, _alone_ time,” Ed said very slowly, his patient way of pointing out the intrusion.

Chas looked suitably embarrassed, blinking at Ed. “Ohhh. Oh, I am sorry, love. Such a dozy mare. I would have left this till later if I knew.”

“Well there is a thing called a phone,” Aaron said, receiving a flinty look from her.

Chas turned her attention to Ed. “Actually, I won’t take up too much of your time. I was hoping you and Aaron could have your tea at ours today. It’ll just be me, Paddy, Eve. It’s been ages since we’ve done that.”

“Three weeks,” Aaron said. “It’s been about three weeks.”

His mum looked at him the way mothers did with troublesome kids. “Well, I’m sorry, Aaron, if it’s offensive that I want to spend some time with my son and his boyfriend _more_ often than every three weeks.”

Aaron stood up nodding. “Right. Nothing to do with anything else.”

His mum’s mouth opened and shut for a moment. She looked ready to stomp out, which was fine because Aaron knew exactly why she was here.

“I think...” Ed said tentatively, “Aaron just doesn’t want to get involved in any of this stuff going on with Debbie and Cain. If it’s really just tea, of course we’d love to come.”

Chas looked at Aaron with a frown. He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose so he wouldn’t have to look at his mum making all kinds of presumptions. “I told Ed Debbie and Cain fell out.”

She was quiet for a second, but added two and two fairly quickly – a good Dingle trait. Smiling at Ed she said, “Oh no, love, it’s nothing like that. Actually, this is Paddy’s idea. I mean, I see you in and out of the pub all the time, but he’s been so busy. He said it would nice if we could all sit down together, have a meal.”

“Well, it sounds nice then,” Ed said. “Right, Aaron?”

Aaron nodded mutely, clenching his jaw against what he really wanted to say. His mum smiled, satisfied.

“Right then. I’ll see you both at five then. I’ll, um, I’ll let you get back to your morning,” she said with a giggle which was aimed mostly at Ed. Aaron shook his head. Robert wasn’t even back and his mum was up to her usual. She smiled at him and said, “Aaron. Don’t be like that.”

“Yeah, fine, Mum,” he said, “Whatever.”

Ed saw her out and slowly made his way back, eyeing Aaron curiously. “Bit hard on her weren’t you?”

Aaron felt a tight ball of anxiety in his stomach. It was starting to weigh him down, making it impossible for him to think. Next his lungs would go and this little house of theirs would feel no bigger than a casket.

“Hey,” Ed said softly, having moved in front of Aaron without his noticing, his hand on Aaron’s arm, a worried look in his eyes. “Look, we can cancel, alright? We’ll make it up to them by inviting them to ours.”

Aaron shook his head, annoyed at himself. “No. It’s fine. You already said yes now.”

“Plans _can_ change. It’s no biggie,” Ed said.

“Or, we’ll go over there, eat, get some Eve cuddles, you’ll fake a stomach ache and we’ll come home early,” Aaron said. “Oh and pack our bags and move away forever.”

“Wow. Dramatic,” Ed said with a laugh. He tugged Aaron close. “How about some _us_ cuddles before we go?”

Aaron scrunched up his face, echoing Ed’s, “Wow.”

“I’m serious,” Ed said, his hands toying with the hem of Aaron’s top, as he pressed his mouth to Aaron’s coaxing a kiss out of him.

_promise me_

Aaron pulled back, staring at Ed, his mind stuttering to a stop at the whisper of words that barely found the time to age.

Ed frowned. “You okay?”

Aaron nodded slowly. “Yeah, just remembered I need to go by the scrapyard before the garage. Should get a move on.”

Ed looked at his watch. “You should take another hour. Give Cain something to do besides falling out with Debbie. How is he even managing that with her back up in Scotland?”

“Skills,” Aaron said, gently extricating himself from Ed’s loose hold. “I’ll come home early and we can head off to the Woolie together. “

“How early?” Ed asked with narrowed eyes. “Early enough for a little upstairs outside?”

“I’m so embarrassed right now,” Aaron said walking away.

“A little downstairs inside,” Ed said with a mischievous grin. Aaron pulled a face at Ed. Ed laughed. “What? Are you blushing, Dingle? You’ve said worse, mate.”

“Shut up,” Aaron said snorting, grabbing his jacket and moving towards the door.

“Oi,” Ed called out. “Love you.”

Aaron stopped by the door, looking back at Ed, taking in the sight of him standing there glowing with contentment. Aaron smiled at him. “Love you too.”

Stepping outside, he took out his phone and brought up Vic’s number. His feet were itching to just walk down the street and knock on her door and ask for answers, but fear hammered in his heart and he texted her instead.

**I know about Robert.**

*****

“Can I borrow your laptop?” Robert asked as he walked into the living room.

Vic responded with a hard _shhhhh!_ She was covering Harry up with a little blanket as he lay asleep on the sofa. He looked adorable curled up around a strange blue fluffy elephant. Vic did not look adorable. She looked murderous as she stood there glaring at Robert, her arms angrily folded across her chest.

“What? That a no, is it?” Robert asked.

“ _No_. That’s a what are you up to?” she said, getting ready to attempt a third interrogation. “All those things you said to Chas. You may as well be driving Ed and Aaron to the church.”

“I thought you liked this Ed bloke,” Robert said, confused by Vic’s sudden jump onto Team Robert and Aaron.

“I do. Ed’s great, but...”

“But what?” Robert asked quietly. “Something not right with him? I thought him and Aaron went way back.”

“They do. They lived together in France for a while and everything,” Vic said.

“Don’t ruin France for me. What’s his problem?” Robert prodded.

Another glare followed. “There isn’t one. He’s perfect. He’d just about do anything for Aaron, including deck you for getting in the way. But...you and Aaron, Robert. You two...you’re meant to be together.”

“Well, at least you approve more than Chas does,” Robert said.

“Why did you say all those things? She’s got a big gob, but given time even Chas would have been on your side,” Vic said. “I mean, she’s going to do her best to make it hard for you to get back with him.”

Robert shrugged. “You know me. Love a challenge.”

Very slowly all traces of glare and disapproval faded from Vic’s face, leaving it blank and wide-eyed, her arms coming down by her sides.

“Is...is _that_ what you want?” Vic asked with a frown.

Robert straightened up, resisting the urge to step back as his body tried to find more space. He opened his mouth. To lie. Instead, foolishly, he said, "No."

"Then what?" Vic asked softly. His mouth felt welded shut. Vic gently prompted him. "Rob?"

"I...I don't," he said. "I want to grab this Ed guy and tell him to get lost. I want to go to the Mill, rebuild it brick by brick. Get my family back. I want the life I had before I chucked it away-"

"Robert-"

"No," he told her quietly. "I'm not sorry. I’d do it again. That scumbag hurt you and I hope he regretted what he did to ya for every second of the rest of his miserable life.”

Vic swatted away the tears that had welled up and spilled down her cheeks.

“The thing is. If I got everything back just to lose it all again, I...I couldn’t cope, Vic,” Robert said, shaking his head. “I don’t want... I need... he needs someone to remind him everything he’s forgiven me. Chas and Paddy will do that. They’ll remind him of Katie, of how being with me hurt him. They’ll remind him how I treated him like a dirty little secret. And if they don’t, then I’ll remind him.”

“And what if he’s just happy to see ya and wants to stay with Ed anyway, big head?” Vic asked with a watery smile.

Robert looked away from her at Harry who slept on innocently. Easier to focus on than memories on the tip of his brain, memories of love confessions and dead women.

“I know him,” Robert said. “Thinks with his heart, the idiot. Not with his head.”

Vic’s phone buzzed on the coffee table, breaking the moment. Vic wiped her face with the back of her hand, picking up the phone and reading the text. When she froze, Robert knew why.

*****

> **Did Chas tell ya?**

**Yeah. Why didn’t you say something?**

> **Complicated, let’s talk properly**

**Tomorrow morning? Cafe?**

> **Okay see you there 10?**

**Yeah, fine see you**

“Aaron?” Aaron looked up to see Paddy grinning at him from across the table. “Ya listening?”

“Oh, will you put that phone away?” Chas moaned.

“Sorry, scrap thing,” Aaron said, putting his phone on the table. There had been nothing else from Vic since the morning. Nothing else from...anywhere else.

“Nothing urgent is it?” Ed asked him, looking about subtle as a sore thumb.

“What? Urgent scrap business at six in the evening? Give over,” Paddy said, whole face scrunched up with amusement. He grinned and asked, “How is business though? Booming, I hope.”

“Yeah, it’s alright,” Aaron said with a nod.

Ed looked at him all bemused before holding up a hand to Paddy and saying, “Better than, mate. He’s got two staff on the payroll and the scrapyard is pretty rammed whenever I go up there. Can probably buy another one at this rate.”

“Blimey,” Paddy said sitting back. “Look at you. That sounds brilliant.”

“You know, if you’ve got the money you might even think of, I dunno, getting out of that grotty portacabin,” Chas said with a hopeful smile.

“I think it’s fine. And what about Jimmy? Supposed to toss him out am I? He’s running a business...” Aaron trailed off. He’d forgotten who else ran a business out of that portacabin with Jimmy once. Who might come back. He and his mum both stared at each other in silence, the unknown known hanging between them

Chas looked away, before going back to Ed, asking him, “And what about you, love? You said you were looking into a bit of work as a personal trainer too.”

“I was, yeah,” Ed said, “but to be honest I’m doing alright on the sports injury side of things. It’s something that actually makes me feel useful. Got a little insight. Hopefully it helps others too.”

“Nice one, mate,” Paddy said, smiling at Ed. “It’s good to know you’re both busy.”

“Not too busy though, I hope.” Chas was grinning proudly. Aaron watched her get up and pick grab an envelope from the sideboard before returning to the table. “So, since you’ve been working so hard and Paddy and I haven’t really given you a proper house warming gift-”

“I thought it were a toaster,” Paddy said with a laugh.

Chas side-eyed him and carried on, handing Aaron the envelope, “we thought we’d give you this.”

Aaron opened the envelope to find a booking for a four day stay at a plush country hotel. Not just any old hotel. A hotel he'd once crept out of when his lover’s fiance had turned up. Aaron handed the envelope to Ed when he asked what it was. Aaron frowned at his mum, while she sat all smiles next to a bemused Paddy.

“Wow,” Ed said. “A long weekend away. Chas...this must have cost ya. We can’t take this.”

“Don’t be silly. It’s just a little present from me and Paddy,” Chas said, beaming.

“Well, a little more from Chas because it’s the first I’ve heard of it,” Paddy said, giving Chas a confused look. She returned a look that clearly said _later._

“Oi, say something,” Ed said, prodding Aaron with the envelope, surprised and smiling.

“Ed’s right. We can’t take it. You should be spending this money on Eve,” Aaron said flatly.

Paddy smiled kindly. “It’s alright, mate. It is a lot nicer than a toaster if I’m honest.”

“See?” Chas said. “Go, have fun, relax. Get away from it all. Leave all the distractions behind.”

“Like Robert?” Aaron asked, shutting her up, leaving Paddy looking stunned and Ed in palpable silence.

“Sorry, what’s this about Robert?” Paddy asked, looking between Aaron and Chas.

“Not now, Paddy,” Chas said stubbornly.

“He’s out,” Aaron told Paddy. “The investigation’s been re-opened because someone stitched him up. This little getaway is because mum thinks he’s going turn up here just to wreck my life.”

Paddy frowned, asking Chas, “Why didn’t you say something?”

“I don’t know, Paddy,” Chas snapped. She looked at Ed and Aaron, pleading with her eyes. “I’m sorry. I just wanted you to have some time together before you see him swanning around the village like he owns it.”

Aaron shook his head. “I can’t believe you. That’s what you think of him, is it?”

“He’s back,” Chas said, cutting short anything Aaron had to say.

Aaron just stared at her, his face frozen. “What?”

“I saw him this morning. Saying all sorts,” Chas said. “He’s not the Robert who gave himself up for you, love. He’s the Robert who gets what he wants everyone else be damned.”

Aaron got up so fast his head spun. He send his empty beer bottle tipping into his plate, the sound sharp in his ears. His mouth and chin felt stiff, like he might not be able to talk, his vision fast blurring. He looked at Ed. “Can we go?”

Ed was watching him with both surprise and confusion mixed into one. All the same, he got up, nodding to Chas and Paddy as he put the envelope back down. “Thanks for tea.”

They walked out into the cold air, Aaron walking away as fast as he could, trying to get thinning air into his lungs. Ed’s footsteps crunched quick on gravel behind him.

“Aaron! Aaron!” Ed called out. Aaron almost blindly kept moving towards Keeper's where the lights behind the windows were glowing orange, like beacons in the dark. “So your mum says he’s here and you’re ready to go banging on Vic’s door, are ya?”

Ed had yelled loud, stopping Aaron in his tracks, snapping him out of his head. Ed stood there, his mouth down-turned unhappily, the lights of the village shining in his brown eyes.

Aaron shook his head, looking at the ground and the air for answers. Frowning in confusion he said, “Don’t say that.”

Ed closed the distance between them, quiet until Aaron had to meet his gaze. When he spoke it was almost in a whisper, a tremor in his voice. “Then what is this? Why does it matter he’s over there? You’re with me, aren’t ya?”

“I am,” Aaron said thickly. “But he owes me an explanation.”

“Okay. What about me? Do I get something more than what you told me? Don’t you owe me something?” Ed asked. Frustration shining bright in Ed’s eyes. Aaron nodded and only then noticed how Ed had been holding himself so stiff and taut, his body suddenly deflating as he breathed out and said, "Then come home with me. He can wait.”

Aaron looked at their house, which door’s down from Keeper’s seemed empty and dark in comparison. He nodded slowly. “Yeah. Let’s go home.”

 _I’ll wait_ , his mind threw at him _, I’ve waited before haven’t I?_


	6. Chapter 6

“Can I interest you in a scone? Freshly baked?” Aaron looked up from the thin air he had been staring into to find Rodney smiling at him. He gave him a look that hopefully conveyed where that scone could go. Rodney made a face, walking away muttering, “A no thank you would suffice.”

Aaron went back to scowling at the doorway, waiting for Vic to turn up. What if...what if Robert was coming with her? Aaron's heart trembled hard at the thought. Seeing him after almost three years, after the way they’d left it. Aaron almost felt sick with the resurgence of old grief and anger. It had been no better the night before, trying to talk to Ed about things Aaron had kept to himself, things that felt too private, too painful. 

“You told me you split after he went to prison,” Ed had said, sitting in the living room armchair, voice low. Aaron had held himself stiffly as he sat on the edge of the sofa, staring into blurred nothing. “You got divorced. We’re done, that’s what you said.”

Aaron nodded, his mouth feeling rubbery, unable to form words. He managed, “It’s true.”

“Looks like you still have some unfinished business from where I’m sitting,” Ed said softly. 

Aaron looked at Ed, angrily brushing away tears burning a hot trail down his cheeks. “We are done. After I saw him for the last time, they moved him to another prison, somewhere on the Isle of Wight. He knew they were going to, and never even said. Just gave me his wedding ring and told me to look after it. Next thing I know, I'm looking at divorce papers.”

Ed nodded, voice quiet when he said, “He split up with you.”

“Yeah,” Aaron said. Tears bloomed, hot and bulbous and he squashed them away with his fingers. “Didn't want me hanging around waiting fourteen years for him. Loves playing the hero.”

Ed shifted where he sat, running a hand over his mouth. After a moment he said, “You’re angry he finished it with you?”

“No,” Aaron said, shaking his head. “I'm angry he pretended everything was going to be okay and then...just gave up. He didn't even say anything. Just let it happen.”

Aaron blew out a shuddering breath, wiping his face with the sleeve of his sweater. Ed got up slowly, sitting down next to Aaron. He put a hand on Aaron’s knee. “I don’t wanna upset ya."

"You're not," Aaron said. "I'm just...being an idiot."

"You're not an idiot," Ed said. "I know what it's like to come home and find someone gone, without as much as a bye. Remember?"

Aaron looked at Ed, guilt hanging heavy in his gut. "I'm sorry."

"I'm not trying to guilt-trip ya. You know that's old news, yeah? What matters is now, not then," Ed said, his hand moving from Aaron's knee, so he could curl his arm around Aaron's shoulders.

Aaron nodded. "Yeah."

"So, why is Chas trying to get us away from here? Your ex have mind control powers or something?" Ed asked, the corner of his mouth lifting in a small smile.

“You know my mum,” Aaron said. "She's never going to stop thinking of me as some stupid kid."

"Feels like a bit more than that though," Ed said, peering too closely at Aaron.

Aaron shrugged. "She's seen us at our worse, that's all. Seen me when I loved him even when everyone else hated him. But...that was different. I thought things would change. I thought we’d get our happy ever after.”

“That what you looking for?” Ed asked quietly, his smile looking a little fragile.

“There’s no such thing,” Aaron said with a shake of his head. The burnt out Mill was the biggest proof of that.

Ed nodded, his gaze shifting around the living room before he asked. “So what do you want from him? This bloke you ain’t seen in three years.”

“People can leave your life, but all the feelings you have, all the memories. They don’t just go away, do they?” Aaron said. “Three years. Thirty years. If someone hurts you, it leaves a scar. You know it does.”

“I know,” Ed said. “But bad memories, feelings, with time, they fade. Don’t they?”

“You tell me,” Aaron said. “You don't still get angry about how things ended with us in France?”

Ed had a strange look on his face as he said, “Stopped being angry the second I saw you again, didn’t I? Saw you standing there, looking so different, but the same. So sure of yourself. Twice as cocky as when I met ya. I thought, _thank_ you _._ I am gonna hit that as soon as.”

Aaron laughed, shaking his head and looking away from how. Ed was grinning at him, all warmth and happiness.

Aaron smiled, his voice thick when he said, “I don’t want to break up with ya.”

Ed nodded, his eyes shining bright. “Don’t wanna break up with _you_.”

They’d kissed, tasting of tears, the silence of the house feeling too intrusive, everything looming over them, watching. Ed had gone to bed early, telling Aaron not to stay up too late. In the morning Ed gently awoke Aaron where he’d fallen asleep on the sofa, telling him, “I’m off. Be back around seven. Okay?”

Aaron nodded back blearily, appreciating Ed’s effort at normality. “Okay.”

“Go sleep upstairs before you do your back in,” Ed said, getting a smile out of Aaron. Then after looking at Aaron for the longest time he said, “Love you.”

Aaron and nodded. “I love you.”

Hours later, Aaron could still feel the parting kiss on his lips, as his heart continued tripping at the thought of Robert walking into the cafe.

*****

Someone was knocking at the door.

Robert ignored it for a while, continuing to fire off an email. However, the knocking continued. Robert looked in the direction of the door, scowling at it. If it was Aaron...he’d be thumping the door much harder with his fist for a start. This was knuckles on the door. Maybe it was the boyfriend come to assert himself with a little prod from Chas. 

“I know you’re in there! Might as well open up, I’ve got nowhere to be today.” Robert rolled his eyes at the sound of Paddy’s voice. “Hello? Well, if you’re not in there, presumably you’ve got to come back at some point, and I’ll be waiting.”

Robert yanked the door open, if only to shut him up, giving Paddy an irritated look. “What?”

“Still a charmer, I see,” Paddy said. “Mind if I come in?”

“Well, actually-” Robert said, as Paddy walked in anyway. Robert took a deep breath and exhaled, before shutting the door and joining Paddy in the living room. He shrugged and asked, “Chas send you?”

“Uh, no. No, she doesn’t know I’m here,” Paddy said, looking at the cast on Robert’s arm and the still fading bruises on his face. Paddy pointed at the cast. “What happened there then?”

“My cellmates gave me the birthday bumps,” Robert said with a shake of his head. “Why are you here, Paddy?”

“Well...I suppose I wanted to see for myself, that you’re back,” Paddy said. Grinning, he nodded towards the kitchen, “Cup of tea would be nice.”

“You’re joking, right?” Robert said. “I’m not going to sit here having a heart to heart with you over tea and biscuits, Paddy.”

“Okay. We don’t need tea and biscuits.” Paddy said, nodding. He fell quiet for a moment, before awkwardly starting up again. “It is good to see you, Robert. Fourteen years for what you did...that wasn’t right at all. I mean, what you did, not exactly brilliant either, but for what you didn’t do-”

“I’ll go put the kettle on,” Robert said, walking away from Paddy’s painful welcome back. Hopefully the kettle would explode in his face, letting him avoid the rest of the conversation. 

It was a blissful few minutes, hiding behind the sound of the bubbling kettle. Even the mundane act of spooning in way too much sugar under Paddy’s guidance was better than talking to him. Armed with a cup of tea each, they went back into the living room, Robert taking the armchair, Paddy making himself comfortable on the sofa.

“No biscuits then?” Paddy asked. Robert silently stared at him. Paddy waved a hand. “You know, doesn’t matter. This is fine.”

“Paddy,” Robert said patiently. “Whatever you want to say, Chas has already said it.”

Paddy nodded, his gaze fixed somewhere on the floor rather than Robert. “She loves him. Aaron. That’s all it is. Aaron’s been through some things. He needs a bit of stability in his life and Chas thinks that’s with Ed.”

“Well what she thinks-”

“Is not the same as what I think,” Paddy said, looking at Robert. 

Robert frowned. “What?”

“I’ll be honest with ya, you’ve never been my first choice for Aaron. Not even my last choice if I’m really honest,” Paddy said, so earnest it was actually a little insulting. “But, I want whatever makes him happy. You don’t need to plot and plan, Robert. If Aaron wants to be with ya, nothing’s going to stop him. Least of all me and his mum.”

Robert rubbed his forehead, nodding as Paddy spoke. So much on relying the guy he’d once shot to remind Aaron he could do better.

“You’re no saint,” Paddy said quietly, “but you’ve been there for him when it’s really mattered. That’s love. And love is what matters.”

“Doesn’t he love this Ted bloke?” Robert asked.

“Right, first of all, that’s not smart, just childish,” Paddy said. “And second of all, yes, I think he does. I think they both love each other very much. Can be done though, you know? Loving more than one person.”

Robert let out a laugh, genuinely amused. “What happened? You join a cult or something?”

Paddy let out a very Paddy high-pitched giggle. “Uh no. No, I didn’t. Things have happened while you were away, here, in the world. Things that make you think about what’s important. Family, for one. The people you care about. Look, what I’m saying is...if you still love Aaron, you’ll leave it to him to make whatever choice is right for him.”

Robert nodded. “And, if Ed is the right choice, but he picks me, you’re alright with it.”

“It’s not about me, is it?” Paddy said. 

“It is when it all falls apart again and you have to pick up the pieces,” Robert said. “Because it will. It always does.”

Paddy grinned at him. Laughing, he said, “Well, if you’re going in with that attitude-”

“I’m going in with the attitude that I really don’t care what happens and who gets hurt in the process,” Robert said. “And if you think your softly softly approach is going to change anything, it’s not.”

Paddy sat back, visibly disappointed. “Right. Only...I’m saying there’s no need for all that. It’s you. You could have a pair of devil’s horns and I reckon it wouldn’t stop Aaron from wanting to be with you. You just need to be patient. Give him some space.”

Robert nodded, before putting his cup of tea down. Then he reached for Paddy’s taking it and telling him, “You can go now.”

Paddy scowled at him and then at his tea as he got up, Robert ushering him to the door. “I haven’t touched that.”

“Yeah, bye,” Robert said, holding the front door open as Paddy walked through it wearing a quizzical expression all the time. Paddy held up a finger, mouth opening to say more useless things. Robert slammed the door shut, hearing a muffled, “Oh! Oh charming! That’s really flipping nice that!”

Robert sighed, resting his head against the door. So much for expecting other people to do his dirty work.

*****

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Vic said as soon as she spotted Aaron. Slowly sitting down opposite him, she smiled and said, “I’m so sorry. I had to drop Harry off at nursery and got talking to the other mums and lost track of time.”

“That’s all your sorry about is it?” Aaron nodded jerkily. Vic visibly sobered. Aaron looked away from her, feeling another tidal wave of emotions. He swallowed. “He didn’t even tell me, that he was getting out. Let alone that he was already in the village? Did you know that?”

Vic nodded. “Yeah.”

“Right,” Aaron said with a nod and shaky laugh. 

“Aaron-”

“It’s fine,” Aaron said tightly. “So I'm not even worth like a courtesy call, am I?”

“Aaron, it’s not like that,” Vic said. 

“Then what?” Aaron asked. He frowned, searching hard for a reason. “Is he...is he angry with me?”

Vic looked appalled. “No. Why would he be angry?”

“He let himself get banged up so I wouldn’t have to leave my family,” Aaron said, feeling his mouth turn down under those words. He bit his lip, regaining some composure. “He did it because of me.”

“Aaron,” Vic said, leaning forward and grabbing his hand. “He gave himself up because he knew it was the right thing to do. He wanted you to be happy, here, with the people you care about. He could never hate ya for that.”

Aaron nodded. “He said that did he?”

Vic sighed, sitting back. “Aaron, he’s only just got back. He needs a little time to get his head together. He’s pretending like he’s fine, but I know him, and he’s not. Give him time, yeah?”

“Oh, is that Robert?” Brenda said, sidling up out of nowhere. “I read about it in the paper. Glad he's getting out. Shouldn’t have locked him up in the first place if you ask me.”

“Well no one did, did they, so why don’t you do one?” Aaron said.

“Oh,” Brenda said, like no one had ever asked her to take her beak out before. “Charming.”

“Aaron,” Vic said, staring at him as Brenda walked off muttering. 

“Me mum was saying all these things last night,” Aaron said, miserably adding, “and then I had to explain in it all to Ed, things I’ve tried not to think about in ages. My head is a mess, Vic, and he couldn't even tell me he was getting out. What does he think is going to happen?”

Vic opened her mouth to speak, but Aaron wasn't having any of it. He was out of his seat and heading out of the cafe, Vic trailing behind him. “Aaron! Aaron, what are you doing?”

Aaron didn’t tell her. He let her see it for himself as he stalked over to Keeper’s and thumped his fist on the door. Vic caught up, grabbing at his arm and pulling him around.

“Aaron. You need to calm down,” Vic told him. 

“No. What I need is to find out what he's playing it,” Aaron said, turning to swing his fist at the door, only to find it open and Robert standing in front of him with a wide-eyed look.

Vic sighed, waving a hand up in front of Aaron, telling Robert. "You've got a visitor."

"Welcome back!" Brenda yelled from somewhere behind.

Robert peered passed Aaron with an irritated frown on his face as Aaron and Vic turned to look at a smiling and curious Brenda on the other side of the street, waving whilst catching the attention of other passersby who were gawping at Robert.

"Great," Robert said. "I suppose that saves me from throwing a coming out party."

With that, he walked off into the house, Vic following and telling him to look on the bright side, while Aaron stood on the threshold, realising that the second he had seen Robert's face, he'd forgotten he was angry and only felt relief.


	7. Chapter 7

Prison never happened.

It was a bad dream. 

A what-if scenario.

There was a Robert Sugden in another universe who went to prison, but not this one. No, this one got away.

This one had waited for the danger to pass. He and Aaron had stayed put in the woods, sat there together in the dark, the moon watching over them as they made promises between kisses, as Robert held onto Aaron, whispering apologies. He'd make it up to Aaron. Things would be okay once they got to France.

They did get to France. Robert had no memory of how. It was as if magic. One minute they were in the woods, and the next in a tiny apartment in a narrow building. And it was okay because they had a balcony and the doors opened onto a quiet street, and they stood there in each other's arms that first night, watching the same moon. 

Other details...there were no other details. The apartment was always filled with light, and Aaron was always smiling at Robert, his eyes sparkling an impossible blue as he watched Robert cooking, standing close, always within reach.

Prison never happened, Robert told himself, as he lay in a narrow cot. He’d tell himself he was in his bed, in that tiny apartment, Aaron just outside the door, on his way back. All Robert had to do was keep his eyes shut.

But then he got out. And now Aaron was at his door, looking at him with those impossibly blue eyes.

Robert had to think fast. Seeing Aaron had thrown him off. He’d wanted to smile, he’d wanted to lunge forward and throw his arms around Aaron. Brenda had broken the spell and he had walked away from Aaron as fast as he could.

He needed distance.

Vic rushed into the living room, picking up her laptop and her notebook. Robert frowned at her. “What you doing?”

She gave him a wide-eyed look. “I’m going to go upstairs, study. Give yous some privacy.”

“No, stay,” Robert whispered, grabbing her arm and eyeing Aaron as he slowly closing the front door. “I need you down here.”

Vic nodded. He let go of her arm and she immediately walked away calling out, “I’ll be upstairs studying. Nobody throw a wrench at anyone’s head please.”

Aaron gave her an unimpressed look as she ran up the stairs before he stiffly made his way into the living room, looking a mixture of tense and pissed off.

They stared at each other in silence for a while. Aaron looked good. Healthy. A sight for sore eyes. Robert swallowed, nodding to him. “Alright?”

Aaron smiled, shaking his head, as if Robert had something both predictable and ridiculous. “Last one to know you’re out. Feels great.”

Robert nodded back. “Sorry.”

“Yeah. You look it,” Aaron said with a laugh that was all air and no humour.

Robert shrugged. “I’m sorry.”

Aaron clamped his mouth shut, lips sucked in, another tight nod. They stood there, six feet apart, in silence, Robert unable to hold that bright blue gaze for too long.

“How are ya then?” Aaron asked quietly. “You alright? You know, besides that arm and those bruises?”

Robert snorted. “Being out is about as good as it gets.”

“Nice to hear that coming from you,” Aaron said, looking amused. Robert nodded, smiling. “When did you get out then?”

“Hasn’t been long,” Robert said. “Only been in the village a few days.”

Aaron nodded, peering at the carpet. “Staying?”

“Was thinking about it,” Robert said. “Already had an earful from your mum about that.”

A flicker of a smile passed across Aaron’s mouth. It made Robert want to take Aaron’s face in his hands, pulling him into a kiss, breathe him in, keep him close, never let go.

Only…

Something always messed up, didn’t it? Something was always waiting in the wings to pry them apart. Even now, something was probably there, watching them in the shadows, in case they dared to dream of happiness.

Robert realised Aaron was staring at him while his attention had wandered. “Why didn’t you tell me you were getting out?”

“We’re not together,” Robert said, looking away. “I'm not your problem anymore.”

“You’re not-” Aaron said, stumbling when his voice cracked. He swallowed, took a breath. “I would have wanted to know. I could have been there for you...as a friend.”

He looked so earnest, so hurt. Robert clenched his jaw, mustered up all the anger he felt at Lee, at himself, at everything. Nodding, he said, “Thanks. But...I’m doing fine without friends. Have done for a while.”

Aaron stared at him, eyes shining brightly. “I was ready, you know, to go to France. Go wherever you wanted to go.”

Robert let out a quiet laugh, rubbing his forehead, shaking his head. “That’s the problem, isn’t it? You’d’ve come with me. First argument we’d have, I’d have that on my conscience. Everything I made you give up. Eventually, it’d all fall apart. You’d resent me-”

“Robert-”

“It doesn’t matter,” Robert cut him off. “I made the right decision. It’s done. Over with. Doesn’t matter.”

Aaron looked like he might cry, as if he was struggling against it, his face flushed pink. His voice sounded like a taunt string about to snap. “And you just get to make that decision by yourself, do ya? Send...sending letters, acting like I didn’t even exist. Telling me not to forget how much you love me and then just...throwing me away, like I was nothing to ya.”

Robert stared at him, unable to say he had let go of something precious. Aaron wasn’t something to be thrown away. He was someone worth saving. Tears spilled from Aaron’s eyes, angrily and immediately swatted away.

Robert managed a shaky smile, telling Aaron, “You’re just angry we never made it to that chateau.”

Aaron laughed, the sound shaky and wet. “Yeah. Right.”

“Can you imagine, you and me in France?” Robert said softly, his smile fading to nothing. “It’d be a nightmare.”

Aaron nodded, his gaze turned inwards, his thoughts out of reach, mouth turned down as more tears fell. Robert watched him wipe them away on his sleeve before shoving his hands into his pockets again. Robert looked away from Aaron. If he stayed any longer…he’d have to pull Aaron close, and then keep him close, with nothing to offer but empty promises.

“You should go,” Robert said quietly. “I’m...expecting a call.”

Hurt rippled across Aaron’s face. “Yeah. I should be at work anyway.”

As he turned to leave, Robert opened his mouth, words shakily tumbling out against his will, wanting to say _I missed ya_ , coming out, “It’s good to see you.”

He saw the movement of Aaron’s hand going to his face before he turned to look at Robert, telling him, “Yeah. Same.”

“I’ll see you around,” Robert said, feeling the creep of tears, his resolve close to crumbling.

Aaron nodded his head jerkily, quickly wiping away the trail of tears he couldn’t stop, before turning around and leaving as Robert stood there fighting every urge to stop him.

It took Vic all of five seconds to come running down the stairs and into the living room, stopping short when she saw him. Robert looked away from her, blinking hard. Vic slowly came towards him, putting her arms around his middle, holding on tight. Robert hugged her back, pressing his face to the top of her head, telling himself over and over, it was better to have loved and lost than to keep losing over and over again.

*****

Aaron had left Keeper’s in a strange daze, feeling hollow.

He had imagined Robert’s return countless times. He’d lie there on the sofa, sleep not coming despite the booze in his blood, and he’d imagine the door opening, Robert walking in looking stunned by his own freedom. Aaron would get up from the sofa, run to him, grab him, hold on tight, angry and overjoyed at the same time.

He’d take Robert to bed, both of them reclaiming their space together. He wouldn’t let go. In the morning, they’d fight. Aaron would be so angry at him, he’d not talk to him until it became impossible to stay away. You could do that when you had someone, push them away, just to be able to hold them tight again.

Robert wouldn’t be standing on the other side of a room from Aaron, making him feel like...like he had felt when he was a secret, when he was a jealous boyfriend, a locked up thug, when he was broken and damaged. Like a problem that needed handling.

The wrench in Aaron’s slipped. In an attempt to catch it, he caught his hand on the edge of the car bonnet he’d been under for the last thirty minutes. The pain was instant and sharp, flipping the lid on his temper. He turned away from the car, taking a deep breath. It didn’t work. He knew it wouldn’t, and he ended up kicking a tall metal tool cabinet until someone was grabbing him from behind.

“Oi! What you doing?” Cain said, pulling him around. He frowned at Aaron, grabbing his bleeding hand before looking up again. “Right. Start talking.”

It had to be Cain of course, witnessing Aaron humiliating himself. He shoved Aaron into a chair, throwing him the First Aid kit to bandage up the cut on his hand, before putting the kettle on. Five minutes later he brought out two cups of tea.

“I’m fine,” Aaron told him stubbornly.

“Yeah, I can see that,” Cain said, dragging a chair to sit opposite Aaron. It was a quiet morning, they probably just looked look like they were on a tea-break. Not a casual Dingle therapy session. “Go on then.”

“It was an accident,” Aaron said.

“I’m talking about you kicking off,” Cain said. When Aaron didn’t respond, he stood up. “Ok. I’ll call Chas, shall I?”

“I went to see Robert,” Aaron bit out.

Cain slowly sat back down, eyeing Aaron closely. “I take it you didn’t kiss and make up then.”

“Funny,” Aaron said.

“How is he?”

“He’s got bruises, broken arm,” Aaron said, wondering how they had happened. Why? Who? “Pretending like he’s fine.”

“That’s what you do, innit?” Cain said. “You come out looking twice as tough, even if you did cry yourself to sleep most nights.”

“Yeah. I’d forgotten you’ve written a book on how to be a hard man,” Aaron said.

Cain made a huffy impatient sound. He sat there observing Aaron for a moment, before telling him, “Gotta hand it to him, giving himself up like that. If I were in his place, I’d have got myself to France. He’s got some guts.”

Aaron shook his head in disagreement. “He’s got no scruples more like.”

“Well, the way you’ve told it before is that he did it for you,” Cain said. “So you could have a life instead of live on the run.”

“Yeah,” Aaron nodded, looking at the bandaged on his hand. “And now he’s back, he doesn’t even want to be in the same room as me. Can’t even stand to look at me. He didn’t even ask me how I was. About Liv. The Mill. Nothing. Just wanted me to leave.”

Cain lapsed into silence, while Aaron stared at his bandage, where the blood had seeped through. After a moment, Cain leaned forward, his dark eyes serious and fixed on Aaron. “Or maybe you’re reading into it too much. Give the bloke a break. He’s only just got out.”

Aaron let out a laugh, shaking his head as he told Cain, “Me mum thinks he’s out to break me and Ed up. She’s got it all wrong. He’s done with me.”

“Right. So?” Cain asked. Aaron stared at his uncle, saw the dark challenging look. “I mean, you’re with someone else, aren’t ya? Aren’t ya?”

Aaron scowled, his head feeling noisy, filled with disruption. “It’s not about that.”

“Then what?” Cain asked. Aaron stared blankly at him. When he realised he had no answer, he got up, walking out of the garage with Cain chasing after him. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“I need to see me mum,” Aaron said, shrugging off a confused looking Cain, only to be greeted moments later by a confused looking Chas.

She had been grinning at a punter, her expression turning surprised and worried the moment she laid eyes on Aaron. “Darling, what’s wrong?”

Aaron shook his head. “Nothing. I wanted to ask you for something.”

Chas nodded, eager to help. “Of course, sweetheart. Anything. What...what is it?”

“That booking for the weekend away,” Aaron said. “That still on offer?”

Chas smiled, looking pleased. “Of course it is. Come on, come out to the back. I’ll get it for you. Fix you some lunch while I’m at it.”

*****

Vic placed a sandwich in front of Robert. He looked away from the window to the plate, making a face and shaking his head. “Not hungry.”

Vic sighed and sat down opposite him at the cluttered little table. “I’m worried about ya.”

Robert straightened up from where he’d been sitting with his chin resting on his fisted hand, elbow digging into a thick textbook on business management. “I’m fine.”

“Are you though?” Vic asked. He ignored her. After a moment she said, “You don’t need to push him away like that, you know? He cares about you. You could be his friend, you know. It doesn't have to be all or nothing."

Robert gave her a look. "Yeah, tried being friends once before. Ended up getting married again."

"Yeah, which was brilliant!" Vic said, looking at him as if he'd lost his mind.

"It was," Robert said. "Until everything fell apart. And...I don't want to do it again, Vic. I'm done ruining his life because he's stupid enough to stand by me. I'm done being stupid enough to think we have a happy ever after waiting for us, and then... _ruining_ it the moment it's in sight. I'm done. He's better off without me."

“If that’s what you want." Vic sat back, looking disappointed. "Just, do me one favour.”

“What?” Robert asked.

“Eat that sandwich, will ya?” she said. Robert mustered a smile. “Still think you’re both better together than apart though.”

“Yeah, well, that’s what I thought,” Robert mused. “But then I realised the only one’s whose actually better off when we’re together is me. He's the one who ends up a mess.”

Vic was quiet, chewing on her lip as she turned her gaze to the window. “You know sometimes I wish that I could just turn the clock back to when things were perfect. Because they were for a bit, you know, when I was with Adam. And I wonder, if by some miracle he came back tomorrow, what might happen? Because I still want to be happy, right? And if I had the chance, I might want to take it. Make another go of it. What I'm saying is, if you have a chance at happiness, Rob, you have to get over yourself, stop making all these excuses, and just go for it."

Robert smiled at her. Sighing, he nodded to the sandwich between them. “Want to share?”

She sighed, shaking her head. Picking up one triangle, she confessed, “Actually, I did make it for myself, but you looked all sad and pathetic.”

“Wow. Thanks,” Robert said with a quiet laugh.

“Tough love,” she said with a smile. “Go on. You have the other half. I’ll make us another one.”

*****

“Hello! You home?” Ed called out.

“Bedroom,” Aaron yelled back, hearing Ed’s footsteps thumping up the stairs.

“I am so done with today,” Ed said as he walked in, sounding tired. He stopped by the bed and frowned. “Um. What’s going on?”

“Packing,” Aaron said, folding up a pair of jeans and shoving it into a suitcase.

“Right,” Ed said. “I meant, why are you putting my things into a suitcase?”

“Because you take forever to pack, even though you pretty much wear the same five things over and over, _which_ I have packed for you...for our long bank holiday weekend getaway.”

Aaron turned to look at Ed, brows raised in question. Ed’s eyes did a dance of consideration before he nodded and said, “I thought you weren’t interested.”

“Well, now I am. I want to spend some time with ya. Alone,” Aaron said.

Ed smiled, tilting his head slightly. “But...we _are_ alone. Unless Cain’s hiding in the cupboard.”

“Yeah, well, I mean away from the village,” Aaron said with a shrug. “Away from my mum pecking my head. The garage. The scrapyard.”

“Nothing else?” Ed asked, taking Aaron’s hand, thumb lightly smoothing over the white bandage around it. “What happened here?”

Aaron look at his hand in Ed’s. “Cut it on the car I was working on. Head was somewhere else.”

“Somewhere else? Or on someone else?” Ed asked. Aaron kept his mouth shut. “Been to see him yet?”

Aaron pulled his hand away. “Yeah.”

“And?”

“Not much to say. He got banged up so I wouldn’t have to go on the run with him, and I don’t get to have an opinion about it. The end.” Aaron looked away, scowling hard at the bedroom carpet. Shaking his head, he muttered, “Just...brought back all these bad memories. Don’t want to think about it anymore.”

“So we’re not going to think about it,” Ed told him, taking his arm and pulling him close. “We’re gonna pack our bags, go to this hotel, eat, drink, sleep, be _very_ naked, like, _a lot_. And we’re not going to think about how your mum is basically paying for us to go away and go at it like rabbits for a few days.”

Aaron laughed. “Shut up.”

“No, ‘cause we _are_ ,” Ed said. “I still need a workout to keep this all tight.”

He lifted it up his shirt, patting his far too toned stomach, making Aaron laugh again as he pushed close, his hands sliding up under Ed’s shirt, head tilting up in invitation for a kiss, which Ed happily provided, wrapping his arms around Aaron.

They parted after a moment, staring at each other. This didn’t feel real sometimes, him and Ed back together. The way they’d argued, the way Aaron had left, it seemed impossible they’d ever have this again. But Ed...he only moved forward. The past was for other people to dwell on.

Ed smiled at him, long arms pulling Aaron in, his hands clasping behind Aaron’s back. “What?”

Aaron shook his head, filled with regret and guilt. “I’m sorry. About all this. I know I’ve been off with ya.”

“You don’t need to be sorry, Aaron,” Ed told him, looking thoughtful, serious. “You just...need to be on the level with me. ‘Cause I love you. And I know you love me too. But if you and him-”

“I don’t want to talk about him,” Aaron said, the air in his lungs feeling thin. He put his hands on Ed’s arms, curling his fingers into the fabric of Ed’s jacket sleeves, pulling him close and kissing him hard, ending the conversation to start a new one.

Ed reciprocated all teeth and shaky breath before he pulled Aaron towards their bed, falling onto his back and taking Aaron with him. Aaron pulled at Ed’s jacket while Ed shoved the suitcase off the bed and onto the floor.

They made fast work of shedding their clothes, Aaron eager to feel skin on skin, to feel the brief struggle of limbs as they both tried to one up each other. Ed conceded defeat and fell on his back with a laugh and grin, making no attempt to struggle against the grip on his wrists where Aaron had held them down.

“It's like that is it?” he murmured, his gaze flicking to Aaron’s mouth.

Aaron nodded slowly, all the disruption, all the noise in his head fading. Brushing his mouth against Ed’s, he answered, “Yeah. It is.”


	8. Chapter 8

_Robert. Oi. Rob._

There was a light kiss pressed against his skin, just under his ear. A gentle prod followed. Robert smiled sleepily. “What?”

“You have to go,” Aaron whispered, spooned up behind Robert, his hand stroking up and down Robert’s arm, warm and soothing him right back to sleep.

Robert sunk deeper under the covers with a little moan of pleasure. “Five more minutes.”

Aaron moved, sliding on top of Robert. “Me mum’ll be banging on the door any second. I told her we were going to be all traditional and not see each other before the wedding.”

Robert opened his eyes, grabbing Aaron around the waist and rolling him onto his back, Aaron huffing out a surprised laugh, the duvet in a state around them. Robert grinned at him, his husband/fiance. “You’re not superstitious are ya?”

Aaron shrugged, looking thoughtful. “I am when it comes to you. Who knows what kind of trouble you might get yourself into.”

He poked Robert in the side, surprising him before shoving him onto his back, straddling his hips and leaning in to press a kiss to Robert’s mouth, Robert arching up into the kiss with a needy moan.

“Robert? Robert!”

Robert frowned, opened his eyes and turned over to face the door of his box room to find Vic standing there, holding Harry who was grinning at Robert.

“I’m just taking Harry to nursery, then I’ve got some stuff to do at the restaurant, _even_ though it is my day off. I was thinking maybe we could have a late lunch in the Woolie when I’m finished up,” Vic said.

Robert pulled a face. “If you’re too busy I can cook.”

“Okay. Do you mind going out and picking up a few things then?” Vic asked.

“Can’t Harry do it? Lazy bones,” Robert said, smiling at Harry.

Harry laughed, looking scandalised. “I can’t go! I’m small!”

“Well, so is your mum,” Robert said, making Harry burst into peals of laughter, making it hard for Vic to hold onto him.

“Oh, thanks a lot,” Vic said. “Robert. I’m serious, either its lunch in the Woolie or you go do a bit of shopping. You can’t stay indoors all day.”

“That’s just loser talk,” Robert said.

“I’ll be there about half-two,” Vic said. “Don’t let me down, Rob. Say bye-bye to Uncle Robert, Harry.”

“Bye, Uncle Robert!” Harry said, pronouncing it more in the region of Uncle Wobwert, which suited Robert absolutely fine.

Robert waved at him. “Bye buddy.”

Vic grinned at Robert and whisked Harry away, leaving Robert to his little bed, in this little room. He looked up at the ceiling and pulled free another good memory. There really was no point in going outside just yet.

*****

“Wow,” Ed said they both got out of Aaron’s car. Barden Park was as impressive as Aaron remembered. “Can’t believe your mum booked us a room here. Must have cost her a packet.”

Aaron nodded. “Yeah. Definitely more than the toaster Paddy got us for the house warming.”

“It’s not a bad toaster, you know,” Ed told him seriously enough it made Aaron laugh.

It was a strange feeling walking into the hotel, like revisiting an old dream. Ed checked them in and picked up the room key while Aaron stood there looking around, feeling twitchy, feeling stupid, like someone might catch him out.

Ed’s chatter was almost indecipherable through the noise in Aaron’s head as they climbed the stairs and made their way to the room, following a too similar path, a dreadful feeling knocking around inside Aaron’s chest.

 _It can’t be_ , he thought, _please don’t..._

Only, there they both were standing in front of a door that looked like all the other room doors, but Aaron knew was a door he’d opened once before. All the rooms might have looked identical, but this room was different, because Aaron had been here with Robert.

Ed opened the door, walking in and whistling, impressed, Aaron numbly floating behind, his limbs feeling strange and light. Ed looked out of the window first, checked out the bathroom, the TV, the cabinet and fridge underneath and then fell back on the bed with a bounce, looking all too happy and relaxed.

Stupid room, Aaron thought as he looked around. The TV looked better, a newer model. The paint job was perfect, so maybe fresh. But everything was unchanged otherwise. The colours of the furnishings, the furniture itself. Those flipping vases on top of the TV cabinet, which Aaron had thought were a bit much the first time.

 _It feels the same_ he kept thinking.

Aaron looked at the window, slowly approaching it, fearfully almost, as if the ghosts of the past might break through the glass and grab at him, ask him why he never stopped Robert from doing wrong, ask him what was so special about Robert that the word _wrong_ slowly lost any credibility. Nothing happened though.

Nothing but the memory that this was the place...everything changed here. He'd seen Chrissie and Katie, and for a brief second was so angry. Why couldn't he have Robert for just this one day? Why was his time with Robert likely to be snatched at a moment's notice? Why couldn't he and Robert...

_Why can't he just be with me?_

The thought was still as clear as day, that wish he'd sent out from the depth of his heart, to have Robert for himself, followed swiftly by the shattering realisation that he'd fallen in love. How he'd wanted that door to open and for Chrissie to walk in and end it all.

Ed threw his arms around Aaron, colliding into his back with a thump, grabbing him tight, almost making him jump out of his skin and feel as if Ed had walked in on his thoughts.

“We gotta give Chas a thank you gift or something,” Ed said, rocking Aaron in his hold a little, contentment rolling off him in warm waves. “This place is like, it’s way too much.”

Aaron nodded slowly. “Maybe...maybe we can get a refund or something.”

Ed laughed. “Um, okay. I meant like a spa treatment or something. Besides, we probably wouldn’t get full money back. Anyway, thought you were looking forward to this.”

Aaron nodded. “Yeah, ‘course. I just meant...if you think it’s too much.”

Ed let him go, turning him around and taking Aaron’s hands in his. Smiling, he said, “You know what, on this occasion I’m going to let Chas do this for us. I’m glad we came up here. I get to have you all to myself.”

Aaron mustered an unsteady smile, letting Ed tug him close, both of them falling into a kiss, Aaron’s mouth feeling reluctant and stiff.

_Aaron, Aaron, Aaron_

…a familiar voice chided him in his mind, leaving Aaron feeling unanchored, his hands shakily clinging onto Ed in a lie of an embrace. Ed pulled back, offering Aaron a tilted smile, an invitation, as he backed away towards the bed, pulling Aaron along. Once there, Ed leaned in, kissing a trail along Aaron’s jaw and slipping off his jacket as Aaron eyed the bed, his stupid brain convinced he was about to see Robert there.

As Ed’s fingers reached for Aaron’s waistband, Aaron thought back to all those nights spent with strangers whose names he’d forgotten, trying to desecrate his body which had felt as if it had changed in Robert’s hands. He’d failed in changing it back, destroying the memory of Robert’s touch. Robert had remained skin deep even after the haze of pain and anger cleared.

Now as Ed pushed him back against the pillows and kissed his way down Aaron’s body, Aaron could only think of what didn’t happen in this room. There were moments that were meant to take place here, that hung unrealised. It was too easy to think of, an easy jumbling of other times with Robert, pasted onto this room, onto Ed as he lay between Aaron’s thighs, taking him into the wet heat of his mouth.

Aaron arched back, his hand flying up to clutch at the headboard, eyes squeezed shut.

 _Ed_ , he thought, _Ed._

 _Aaron_ , the room breathed into his ear with Robert’s voice. Aaron shook his head against it, made a noise of protest, but when he opened his eyes, the room pressed down on him, shoving him back through the years, away from the present, back into Robert’s arms, showing him the gleam in his eyes from whenever he looked at Aaron, always hungry, always wanting. Aaron felt himself caught up in a net at the bottom of sea green waters, his body bucking hard as he came, his teeth painfully biting into his lip.

Aaron lay drifting for a while, no longer in the net, but now just floating in the middle of those warm sea green waters. A sharp shiver brought him back to the surface, to Ed crawling up his body, taking his time to kiss and lick his way to Aaron's mouth, giving Aaron a taste of himself, shimmying himself between Aaron's legs, hard and insistent.

Aaron blinked at him lazily, murmuring, "Want something?"

Ed nodded, his gaze flicking from Aaron's eyes to his mouth. Aaron smiled, mouth parting for another kiss. When they pulled apart, Ed smiled and said, "Just you."

Aaron slowly turned over, sighing into the pillow as Ed kissed his neck, his shoulders. Ed's fingers took a slow route of exploration for what felt like an eternity, Ed murmuring into his skin, "Love you."

Soon Ed was all around him, in him, dragging all his senses back into the present as he moved sweet and slow until it almost felt like there was too much of him. Aaron gasped out his name, which finally broke Ed's restraint, his thrusts speeding up and knocking the wooden headboard into the wall, a _knock-knock-knock_ ing that made Aaron squeeze his eyes shut tight. 

"Aaron," Ed gasped, his voice cracking as he haphazardly slammed into Aaron a few times and came.

Ed landed on Aaron with a heavy thump, his fingers idly squeezing Aaron's arms as Aaron lay with his forehead pressed into the pillow he was still clutching, shakily getting his breath back. He felt a war of emotions waging inside him, unable to unpick who was the cause, _what_ was the cause, until Ed kissed his shoulder, slow and tender, pulling him from his thoughts.

Ed carefully moved off, leaving Aaron feeling nervously light, as if he might just float away. He turned his face out of the pillow and to the side, blinking at Ed lying there on his back with a satisfied smile on his face. Aaron reached out, stroking his arm, prompting Ed to turn his smile on Aaron, cover him in that warm brown gaze of his. Ed leaned over and kissed Aaron on his nose before getting up and disappearing to the bathroom for a few minutes.

Aaron moved under the covers, glaring at the three stupid vases stood on the TV cabinet, feeling more maudlin than he had a right to be, until Ed came back and joined him, telling him, "Come here."

 _Here_ was Ed's arm extended out towards Aaron, wrapping around his shoulders and pulling him close until their bodies touched from head to toe. Had chance played out differently, Robert might have held him here too. He didn't want to in the beginning of their hook-ups. He'd tried hard to draw a line between sex and anything that felt too touchy-feely.

But it was never Aaron who woke up draped over Robert. It was _him_ , pressed up against Aaron, his limbs in Aaron's space. It was him breaking down his own barriers and making Aaron want more. If Chrissie and Katie hadn't turned up, Robert would have been his charming best, he would have been tender. He would have pretended everything was perfect and easily convinced Aaron of their happiness, no matter how fleeting.

Aaron had fallen in love with him at his lying best.

“What you thinking about?” Ed murmured against the crown of Aaron's head.

Everything that was lost? Gone? Ended? Everything that could have been but never was. Aaron tightened his arm around Ed’s middle, rubbing his stubbled chin against Ed’s chest, before pressing a kiss to his skin, telling him, "Nothing."

*****

Vic was late.

It had been hard enough getting out of the house and making his way to the pub as it was, but his sister wasn’t even there. Nice.

Stepping inside, he looked around for familiar faces. There weren’t many people around, one or two turning to give him a curious look, people he didn’t know. Otherwise the place was luckily without anyone who was likely to come up to him and congratulate him on not spending his life in prison.

“Well, look who the cat dragged in,” Chas said, walking towards the middle of the bar, complete with cute baby balanced on her hip.

The little girl in Chas’s arms had a mop of dark hair and sparkling blues eyes, wearing a pink summery dress and cardigan, with matching shoes and white tights. Robert smiled at her, giving her a little wave.

“Bit young to be working here, isn’t she?” Robert said.

“This is Eve. Last time you saw her, she was in my tummy. Eve? This is Robert,” Chas said, smiling at Eve. Looking at him, she told her, “and you want to keep a keen eye on this one.”

“Hi Eve,” Robert said, leaning on the bar. She was watching him carefully, if a little shyly. “You look just like your mum. Which is good because Daddy Paddy’s got no hair, has he?”

Eve giggled and hid her face in Chas’s shoulder. Chas looked at her, full of warmth, so happy. He couldn't help but smile. Chas looked back at him with a strange expression on her face.

She sighed and said, “Look, the other day-”

“It’s fine,” Robert said, settling on a bar-stool. He shrugged. “I get it. You want him to be happy and...that means away from me.”

Chas stared at him quietly, before rolling her eyes and sighing. "I'm not interested in your games, Robert."

“I’m not playing games, I've leveling with you,” he said, stopping himself from muttering _like mother, like son_. “Turns out there’s too much of a margin of error in manipulating people because they’re actually too stupid to be manipulated. So...I _agree_ with you, he’s better off with this Eddie bloke.”

“Firstly, I hope you’re not calling me stupid. Secondly, It’s _Ed_ , and you’re not funny,” Chas said. “If you agree with me then what was all that mouthing off for?”

“I was giving you a head start to be your interfering best,” Robert said, receiving an offended scowl. “You want to be careful of Paddy though. He came over and said I should just chill out since we’ll probably get back together anyway.”

“He did what?” Chas said, her mouth turning into a thin line.

“Uh oh,” Robert said, smiling at Eve. “Looks like Daddy’s going to be in trouble.”

Eve grinned and seemed to find the idea as funny as Robert.

Chas was giving Robert the once over, her expression shifting from suspicion to something a little less harsh. "This isn't about you, you know?"

Robert made a face. "Feels like it might be."

"He was a _mess_ ," Chas said. "I know you changed for him. I know what you'd do for him. But when you were gone, he couldn't see his way past losing you. When you cut off all contact with him, he was just...you have no idea."

"You know why I did it, Chas," Robert said.

"And you told me to take care of him," Chas said. "And that's what I'm doing, by telling you to please _please..._ let him move on. Ed's made him happy again. Aaron’s thinking about the future, they’ve just moved in together. I just want him to have a happy and normal life. That’s all."

“Well, you might want to stop Paddy from giving your son any pep talks then," Robert said. "You don't need to worry about me."

“That’s it, is it? You’re just going to step back," Chas said, clearly not believing it. 

“It's got to be easier than going to prison,” Robert said, sobering her up fast. “Just try not to go overboard with it. You know what he’s like. You push, and he’ll push back.”

“Or not,” Chas said, jutting her chin out, rather impressed with herself. “I booked a weekend away for him and Ed. He said no at first, but changed his mind. Barden Park. Dead fancy.”

Robert's mind stuttered to a stop for a moment, before he found his tongue and said, "Good for you."

Chas had her eyes on him, sharp and clever, trying to read him. "You know, he didn't want to go at first. Wonder what changed his mind."

"You and Paddy breathing down his neck would be my first guess," Robert said with a smile.

Chas opened her mouth to object, but the door opened and brought in a loud chant of-

“Robert! Oi! Oi! Oi!” Robert got up seeing Jimmy walking in with his arms raised aloft, Nicola behind him and in serious danger of being elbowed in the face when those arms came down.

“Jimmy,” Robert said with a nod and a grin.

“Come here, mate,” Jimmy said, pulling him into a crushing embrace, shaking him for good measure. Over his shoulder, Robert could see Vic looking rather smug with herself.

“Welcome back,” Nicola said, pecking his cheek, Jimmy still hanging there with an arm around Robert’s shoulders. “it’s been dead boring without ya.”

“I’ll get some drinks in. First pint’s on me, mate,” Jimmy said, patting Robert on the back. Chas nodded to Jimmy, click-clacking off to yell for help, Nicole joining Jimmy at the bar.

Vic walked up to Robert, smiling. “People were asking about ya.”

Robert nodded. “You mean, Jimmy.”

Vic laughed. “No, not just Jimmy. Come on, let’s grab a table. Moira said she was going to pop in, and Diane’s on her way too. Not to mention a whole bunch of Dingles. Well...except for-”

“I know,” Robert said, following Vic to the back corner which had an abundance of empty seats and two free tables. “He’s off on some dirty weekend with his boyfriend.”

“Not that you mind, eh?” Vic said with a sweet smile as she sat down next to Robert. Cain sauntered into view just as Robert finished glaring at her.

“Alright?” he said with little jerk of the head.

Robert nodded. “Yeah. You?”

“Yeah. Good,” Cain said. “Get you a drink?”

“Jimmy’s on it,” Robert said.

“Right,” Cain said. “Next one’s on me then.”

“Cheers,” Robert said.

“Oh thanks a lot,” Vic said as Cain turned to go to the bar. "What am I? Chopped liver?"

“We’ll he just got out of prison, didn’t he?” Cain offered as an explanation. Vic gave him a bland look. He rolled his eyes and sighed. “Fine.”

“White wine, please,” Vic said with a big smile, Cain walking off looking as burdened as ever.

“Wow,” Robert said. “That was positively warm and fluffy. Weird.”

“He rates ya,” Vic said with a shrug. She looked at Robert and grinned. “The approval of Cain Dingle. What does that feel like?”

Robert pretended to think about it, grimacing. “Not something I'll get used to.”

“Pity Aaron couldn't be here though,” Vic said. "He would have come, you know?"

Robert let out a heavy sigh. “Vic. Give it a rest okay?”

She opened her mouth to definitely not give it a rest, but Robert’s pocket was thankfully buzzing inside his jacket.

“Look at that jacket will ya?” Vic said, tugging on said jacket as he stared at the text on his phone. “We need to go shopping. Get you out of that boring sweater and jean combo you’ve been wearing. Who is it? Your solicitor?”

Robert shook his head. “No. It’s...it’s Rebecca. She’s bringing Seb by this weekend. I said I was free, I didn’t realise...”

Vic grabbed his arm and shook it. “That’s brilliant! Right? Robert!”

Robert looked at the next message that popped up, a photograph of Seb and Rebecca grinning brightly. Seb had grown into his mum's smile, and had his dad's eyes, with just a hint of colour in his hair from the mother Robert couldn’t even remember.

He smiled at Vic, a smile he finally felt all the way to his heart.


	9. Chapter 9

Aaron awoke feeling awful.

First of all, his body felt like something disgusting stuck on the bottom of a tractor. Second, his head felt like he’d spent his night getting it kicked in. His gut felt no better, his muscles sore as if he’d been running without warming up. The taste in his mouth tied everything together and what memories had managed to stick, began to paint a picture.

He and Ed had spent most of their day lounging in bed, lazily fooling around. Somehow Ed managed to pull Aaron out of thoughts of what could have been to the present, to what could be. After taking a shower, which might have taken less time if they hadn’t shared it, they made their way to the hotel lounge for a drink before dinner.

Ed looked good, like a trendy footballer on holiday, wearing white chinos and shirt with a slate blue blazer and what he explained were _boat_ shoes. He grinned and told Aaron, “I might have repacked. Wanted to clean up for my boyfriend.”

Aaron had grinned at that, leaning into Ed and kissing him, nodding with approval. “You don’t really have to try hard for that, you know?”

They got lost in each other for minutes again, Ed’s hands on Aaron’s black shirt, on the verge of pulling it free from the waistband of black fitted trousers that belonged with a jacket he’d left at home. Aaron had gently pushed him back.

“We’ve got time for that later,” he’d murmured, trying not to dwell on how much he wanted to leave this room which seemed to be watching his every move.

The hotel turned out to be amazing. It almost felt like being in another time with all the polished wood and thick carpeting, expensive tiling and rugs where the carpet finished. The lounge had a piano, a man in a suit playing a gentle little tune. Aaron might never have seen any of this with Robert. They wouldn’t have left that room. As he and Ed sat down at the bar, Aaron realised, he wouldn’t have cared at all if he had Robert had never seen any of this if had meant more time with Robert.

His guilty conscience was prodding at him again - _what else would you give up?_

Ed looked beautiful sitting there with the collar of his shirt open, exposing a V of warm skin, his grin as bright as his shirt as he made small talk with the barman. Aaron loved him, _really_ _loved_ him, and yet...what was he thinking? Why couldn't he get his mind out of the past?

Aaron downed that first drink in one gulp, Ed staring at him. “Whoa. Slow down, Dingle. Want you conscious for the rest of the night. I’ve got plans.”

Aaron had grinned at him, motioning to the barman for another, telling Ed, “Don’t worry. I’m all yours.”

Aaron tried not to groan at the memory of that, keeping his face buried in his pillow. Ed probably did worry, and was right to do so, because after a point, Aaron only remembered snippets of the evening. Ed’s _I think you’ve had enough_ ringing sharp in his ears even now. He remembered the clatter of something falling to the ground, the feel of Ed holding him up, both of them making their way back, the hotel spinning around Aaron’s head.

He couldn’t remember much after that, nothing that wasn’t vague. He remembered staring at the ceiling, feeling Ed tugging his shoes off. He’d felt a pang of loss so deep and heavy, he thought he might sink through the bed. _Cursed,_ he had thought _, maybe I’m cursed._ Ed had said something to him, he could remember the frown on his face as he sat there looking down at Aaron. The rest was just a jumble of remembering dashing to the bathroom in the middle of the night, throwing up until his stomach was empty, a pitying hand on his back, on his neck, comfort he didn’t deserve.

The door opened and closed with careful quiet. Aaron moved his face enough to aim one eye at Ed, watching him take his earphones out, dressed in black trackies and a grey t-shirt that was damp with sweat. Aaron slowly turned onto his back.

“You’re awake,” Ed said quietly, expression too controlled for Aaron to know how pissed off he was. He took a few heavy steps towards the bed, hands going to his hips. “How are you feeling?”

“Terrible,” Aaron said quietly.

Ed made a face that suggested he wasn’t surprised. He walked over to the bed, sitting down heavily on the edge as Aaron scooted up to sit against the pillows, head still feeling unsteady.

“Making a habit of this,” Ed said, gazing thoughtfully at Aaron.

“Just got...carried away.” Aaron aimed his gaze at his fingers picking at the blanket on the duvet.

“You said some stuff.” Aaron looked up, gut twisting with worry. “Everything ends up ruined, you said. That you're cursed.”

Aaron opened his mouth to protest, scowling and shaking his head against it. But the words were stuck in his throat and he ended up staring at Ed.

“You said you don’t blame Liv for not wanting to come home,” Ed said. “That you’re, apparently, _the worst_ brother.”

Aaron scratched his eyebrow, taking comfort behind his hand for a moment, not looking at Ed. Ed took his hand, holding it in both of his, watching him patiently. “Why don’t you go see her? Get some alone time with Liv. Talk things through. Bet she'd hate that you think that about yourself."

“So embarrassing this.”Aaron hung his head, sighing. Ed laughed, quiet and kind. Aaron finally looked him in the eye. “I’m sorry. I ruined last night.”

"We still have today and most of tomorrow," Ed said with a shrug. "Just maybe...dial back on the Aaron who used to clam up on me when something was on his mind, downing cans of beer instead of just telling me what was up.”

“Yeah, ‘cause you’re an over-sharer,” Aaron said with a snort.

“No, you’re right, I’m not,” Ed said, “but...I’ve never thrown up on your favourite shoes, which is something.”

“I...I didn’t, did I?” Aaron stared at Ed, receiving a bright grin. Aaron sighed with relief. “Ugh, you..I felt really bad for a second.”

“Well, you almost got me. That's bad enough,” Ed said with a grin. “Look. Go have a shower. I’ll order up some breakfast.”

“So not hungry,” Aaron said with grimace.

“You threw up twice your body weight. Go on, have a shower. You need any paracetamol?” Aaron nodded with a painful little jerk of his head. Ed nodded back, about to get up. “I’ll dig it out of my bag.”

Aaron reached out, grabbing him by his arm, Ed frowning at him. Aaron hugged him awkwardly from the side, putting his head on Ed’s shoulder, Ed’s hand appearing on Aaron’s back, body leaning into Aaron’s.

“I’ve never seen someone throw up so much,” Ed murmured. Aaron laughed against his shoulder. “Not kissing ya till you brush your teeth.”

Aaron shoved him away playfully. “You know what, get lost.”

Ed pulled him back and leaned in, pressing a gentle kiss to Aaron’s jaw, the ghosts of the past telling Aaron, he didn’t deserve this, and he’d ruin it like he always did.

*****

Robert had a rude awakening when something like a small sack of potatoes was dumped onto his stomach, followed by Vic yelling, “Robert, work emergency, I’ve got to go, you need to wake up.”

Robert opened his eyes, scowling as he lifted his head and saw Harry sitting on him giggling. When he turned his head, Vic was performing some kind of gymnastic move to put on her shoes and jacket at the same time.

Robert sat up slowly, scooping Harry under one arm. “Vic...I’ve got stuff to do.”

“Like what?” she said, before catching sight of her sleeve and realising her jacket was inside out.

“Well, sleep off this hangover for a start,” Robert said, rubbing his forehead.

“Maybe you and Jimmy shouldn't have drunk the bar dry after everyone left then,” Vic said with a glare. “I’ve gotta go.”

“Can’t Diane come over?” Harry happily wriggled and giggled in Robert’s hold. “I was thinking about going to Hotten, maybe getting something for tomorrow, you know a present for Seb maybe,”

“I won't be long. So we can go together.” Vic bounded over to Harry, covering him in kisses. “Bye, baby.”

“Vic!” Robert yelled, watching her disappear out of the room.

“She gone!” Harry helpfully told him. Robert looked at Harry who was looking back with wide-eyed confusion over their predicament.

“I suppose you’ll want breakfast,” Robert said. Harry nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah? What do you want?”

Harry thought it over seriously before yelling, “Sauce!”

Robert looked towards the doorway, yelling, "Vic!"

Somehow he managed to navigate getting ready whilst keeping an eye on Harry, before going downstairs and making breakfast for both of them, Harry happily engrossed with the television and his weird blue fluffy elephant thing. Breakfast itself was smooth, Harry animated the entire time and at least 70% decipherable, commending Robert on his height, making him laugh at least every ten seconds. An hour later they moved on to the floor in front of the sofa, Robert with his legs stretched out, the telly on, Harry darting from toys, to telly, to Robert, a bundle of energy.

Seb was only just reaching this point when Robert had left, missing out on those first conversations strung together with newfound words and out of reach concepts. He missed so much. Robert tried not to think about it, flicking through the channels, but Harry bounded over and dropped in Robert's lap, holding tight to the blue elephant as he became absorbed on the screen in front. Robert smiled, nudging the crown of Harry's head with his chin. This was still something, wasn't it? This precious little boy. And tomorrow Robert would see Seb and maybe attempt putting back together at least one broken part of his life.

As for Aaron, he was better off at a distance. Not that Robert felt that distance yet. The day before, he couldn't escape overhearing people asking in hushed whispers about Aaron. _Where's Aaron? Is Aaron coming? Does Aaron know? Does Ed know?_ Robert sat there drinking, watching people having their discreet conversations with Chas, her eyes flicking with concern to Robert every now and then. They all knew after all that it didn't take much on Robert's part to send Aaron into a spiral. 

Chas gleefully told Moira about the weekend at Barden Park, unable to explain the occasion for such a gift, hand-waving the logic with a simple, _I just wanted to do something nice for them._ Moira had nodded, looking unconvinced, and Robert had tossed back another drink, unable to figure out how Chas Dingle had played the role of cruel fate by sending Aaron and his boyfriend to that place. Not that it mattered. It wasn't exactly a monument to their love. Just another episode in Robert's long history of failing Aaron.

He'd thought himself suave, booking that place to romance Aaron. They'd be alone, but most importantly, they'd be free to be themselves. Robert would take as much of Aaron as he could, and he would try to give Aaron as much of himself as possible. They could be together and not think about the time limit on that togetherness. Aaron deserved some of that luxury, Robert had told himself, he deserved more than a barn, or a fumble wherever was convenient. He deserved so much more than the scraps that Robert had given him.

In fact...he deserved to be there with someone who wasn't Robert.

"Helloooo," Harry said, twisting around to press the blue elephant against Robert's face. "He likes you."

Robert smiled, tilting his head into the soft fur. "Yeah? I like him too."

"Okay, you can have him. But only for...for now," Harry said with great consideration, pressing the elephant against Robert's chest and clumsily guiding his arm around the toy to keep it close and safe. Harry pointed at the toy. "Stay with Uncle Robert. I'll be back. Okay?"

With that, Harry was off towards the toy-box, Robert sitting back and appreciating any and all momentary gifts as he looked down at the elephant with a little smile. It was a lot more than he deserved.

*****

The next time Aaron awoke he felt a lot more human. He’d taken some painkillers for his head, managed to stay upright in the shower, and eaten a little breakfast without wanting to throw it back up. He’d suggested he and Ed go out for a walk, look around the grounds of the hotel, but Ed had suggested _in a bit_ and let Aaron drift off long enough that it was early afternoon when he was waking up.

He’d woken up, a little confused, reaching under his pillow for his phone and seeing the time, along with messages from his mum and from Paddy. He shoved the phone back under the pillow, turning over to see Ed sitting there with legs stretched out, crossed at the ankles, tablet on his lap, attention on the TV where a football game was playing on mute.

“You let me fall asleep,” Aaron accused.

Ed looked at him, brows rising in surprise. “Hiya. How you feeling? You look better.”

Aaron blinked up at Ed who looked all soft and happy with the afternoon light hitting him and making it seem there was a glow about him.

Ed smiled at him, putting his tablet aside and shifting down until he was propped up on an elbow, leaning over Aaron. “Okay?”

“Yeah,” Aaron murmured.

“I had a thought,” Ed said, voice low, like he was telling Aaron a secret, meant only for his ears. Aaron nodded, listening. “I was thinking, not like soon or anything, but maybe in a few months, like September maybe, we could go to Paris for a few days.”

“Why? You missing France?” Aaron asked, trying not to remember how homesick he had felt over there, how trapped he felt those times he wanted to see his family and knew he couldn't because he could end up in prison.

Ed seemed to consider the question before answering. “No. I miss being there with you though. Remember when we first went to France? It was just me and you all the time.”

“When you weren’t training or playing, yeah,” Aaron said, with a smile.

Ed rolled his eyes. “We gonna have that old fight then?”

“I'm not having a go,” Aaron said. “But yeah, I do remember actually. I was skinnier. Your hair was longer. Hangovers didn’t feel like dying.”

Ed grinned, laughing at him. He leaned in, balancing his weight on both elbows, murmuring close to Aaron’s mouth, “I like you better now.”

Aaron smiled, tipping his head up and catching a slow soft kiss. “I like you.”

“You do?” Ed said, mimicking Aaron’s nodding and smiling. “Well, lucky me.”

“Lucky me,” Aaron said quietly, feeling his smile fade as he looked into Ed’s earnest gaze. “Let’s go to Paris.”

“Yeah?” Ed asked happily.

Aaron nodded, smiling at the blinding grin on Ed's face. "Yeah."


	10. Chapter 10

Locked together, arms wrapped around each other, they were in bed, Ed rocking his hips against Aaron, both of them moving languidly in slow indulgence, tired from a long night, but still wanting, using up the dregs of their energy. Aaron let his eyes drift shut, parting his mouth for a kiss, followed by another, smiling, and another.

He reached down to clap his hands on Ed's backside, Ed responding by grinding his hips a little more firmly, the extra pressure making Aaron gasp, his breathing turning into loud panting. Ed kept up the tempo, pressing his own panting mouth to Aaron's neck, moaning as he got closer to release, his hips as erratic as Aaron's trying to buck up into his movements.

Aaron came first with a jolt and shudder, his chest expelling a sound as if it had been punched out of him. Ed kept going, moving against Aaron, chasing friction until his body went taut over Aaron's, fingers digging into his arms. He came cursing wetly into Aaron's neck, before sighing heavily with contentment.

They stayed intertwined for while, Ed's head heavy on Aaron's chest. He sounded sleepy when he said, "Home soon."

"Yeah," Aaron muttered. "Pity I wasted most of yesterday."

Ed smiled up at him. "Night was alright though."

Aaron smiled back, keeping to himself that if he never came back to Barden Park again, it would be too soon. "Gonna be knackered when we get back."

"It's alright. Bank Holiday. We'll go home and spend the afternoon in bed," Ed said. Looking serious he added, "To sleep, of course."

"Right," Aaron said with a snort.

Ed sighed, turning his attention back to Aaron's chest, kissing his sternum. "We should do this more."

"Yeah. Totally," Aaron said, eager to go home.

*****

Rebecca turned up after ten, wearing a black summer dress with a print of red and yellow flowers, a big summer hat, and some kind of weird shaggy-haired jacket, Seb standing next to her on the doorstep, colorful in a yellow sweater with blue jeans, under a too big red jacket.

Seb may as well have been twenty-one instead of five going on six. To Robert it seemed he had grown so much that Robert couldn't possibly catch up with the boy he had become from the baby he used to be. He was inches higher for a start, the chubbiness of his face having given away to slightly more defined features.

He had a sweet little toothy smile that was definitely from Rebecca, as was the shape of his eyes, innocent and round. His nose was much more pointed than a Sugden nose and blond mop of hair was in a strawberry shade, definitely courtesy of Pat Sugden. All the same as before, but just more pronounced in a way that hit Robert square in the chest. He couldn't stop smiling.

Rebecca cleared her throat, watching Robert with bemusement. "Can we come in?"

"Yeah. Of course. Sorry," Robert said, stepping back. "Come in."

"Come on, Seb," she said, taking his hand and leading him in as he craned his neck to give Robert a curious wide-eyed look.

They went in, zeroing in on Harry who gave them both curious and suspicious looks, proper Sugden that he was. Vic greeted them from her seat next to Harry, meeting Rebecca with a hug, and an even tighter one for Seb. Seb then gravitated towards Harry and his various toys, grinning at Harry's conversational styling.

Robert joined Vic and Rebecca a little tentatively, not into their conversation as much as watching Seb with Harry, until Rebecca's gaze caught his.

She offered him a small smile. "You look good. Better than if it had been fourteen years I expect."

Vic rolled her eyes at that. "Well. He's out, that's all that matters. Means Seb can see his dad. Eh? Isn't that right, Seb?"

Seb nodded hard, not lifting his shy gaze away from the toys he was handing Harry. Robert tentatively said, "You know, last time I saw you, Seb, you were about this high."

Robert held his hand out, over the head of the boy who lived in the past now, invisible to Seb as he sat there, not quite directly looking at Robert, jerking his head in a sort of nod.

"Did your mum tell you why I had to go away?" Robert asked carefully.

"I explained, um, that you went to prison," Rebecca said quietly. "Seb knows it was because you hit a very bad man who hurt Auntie Vic. And he also knows it was the wrong thing to do. That you made a mistake because you were very angry. Isn't that right, Seb?"

Seb nodded slowly, looking between her and Robert, helping out by adding, "Mummy said you're a damned fool because you usually get away with everything."

Robert looked at Rebecca, giving her a hard blink. She shrugged. "Not a lie, is it?"

"What else has your mummy been telling you?" Vic asked, giving Rebecca a look that seemed straight out of Diane Sugden's book of judgement.

"We had a little chat about Aaron," Rebecca said, pulling Seb a little closer. Robert gave her a look. She rolled her eyes and said, "He is literally in every photo of you and Seb. Your son had questions."

Robert looked at Seb. "Do you still have questions? Seb?"

"I dunno," Seb said with a shrug.

Robert moved from the armchair to crouch in front of Seb, putting a hand on his shoulder. "It's okay if you do. We both missed out on a lot of stuff together, didn't we?"

Seb responded with half a shrug, his shoulder moving up and touching his ear as his head angled down. "Mummy said I couldn't see Daddy Aaron because I was really sad that you went away. Is he angry with me?"

Rebecca seemed as surprised by the question as Robert was. Robert squeezed Seb's shoulder and smiled. "No. He's not angry with you. He could never be angry with you. But I messed things up pretty badly. I went to prison and left him all on his own. Then I divorced him, because I didn't want him waiting on his own for me. It meant he couldn't see you either."

Seb gave Robert a double nod. "When Annie's mum and dad divorced, he couldn't see Annie because he wasn't her real dad. That's not really fair though because Annie misses him."

Rebecca looked away, sitting back, looking guilt-ridden. Robert agreed with Seb, "No. It's not. But sometimes things don't work the way you want them to. Doesn't mean things can't change though. I thought I'd never see you again, and look, here you are."

"I'm here!" Harry yelled, belligerently. Vic grinned, pulling him close, Rebecca laughing and reaching past Vic to give him a gentle poke.

Robert grinned at Harry, watching him dissolving into a fit of giggles. Looking at Seb, he said, "Still remember when you were like that. You used to love grabbing my nose. Thought it was funny. Don't do that anymore do you?"

Seb grinned, laughing out a, "No!"

"Are you sure?" Robert put on a suspicious look, Seb shaking most of the top of his body in answer. Robert nodded. "Okay. Good to know."

Seb grinned, looking back at Rebecca for some kind of reassurance. She smiled at him and just like that, gone was the shyness with which Seb had come into the house.

 _He's here,_ Robert thought, his heart overflowing, _my boy's here._

*****

The car window was rolled half down and there was a gentle breeze brushing warm against Aaron's face as he blinked at the scenery sliding by. The trees seemed greener than green and there was a smattering of happy yellow across the fields.

They'd left Barden Park early enough that the traffic was still flowing, perhaps light on travelers returning to cities from their Bank Holiday weekend away. Everything felt easy and fluid and Aaron felt like he could breath, now they were out of the hotel, out of that room. He sighed, relaxing into his seat.

It could have been the perfect weekend away, he thought, but no, someone up there had wanted a laugh at his expense. He tried not to think of who that might be.

Ed's hand clapped onto his knee, giving it a gentle squeeze and shake. "You alright?"

Aaron looked at Ed who had his gaze fixed on the road, looking relaxed, happy. _You're lucky_ , a voice at the back of his mind said. Ed was as near to perfect as a bloke could be. _And you'll ruin it like you ruin everything._

"Yeah," Aaron said thoughtfully. "Be nice to get away like this again."

" _Paris_ ," Ed said, loud and enthusiastic. "Romantic week away."

"Gonna romance me, are ya?" Aaron asked with a grin.

Ed laughed. "Don't think so, Dingle. Time you romanced _me_ a little. I'm traditional me. Sometimes, I'd like my boyfriend to go all out and treat me like a lady."

Aaron laughed. "Shut up, will ya?"

"You know what I mean," Ed said. "Love it when you get all cleaned up. All hands. When you all soft on me. It's nice. When you let that part of yourself out."

"Yeah?" Aaron said, watching Ed, wishing he could pull him into a kiss right now.

"Yeah," Ed said with a smile. "Don't get me wrong. I don't mind rough and tumble Dingle either. He's like, really intense and focused, and I am _definitely_ into that."

"You're an idiot," Aaron said, shaking his head, eyes on the road ahead, Ed's quiet laugh pleasant in his ears. Quietly, he said, "You know what I like about you?"

Ed was silent for a moment. He said, "What?"

"Everything," Aaron said with a nod. "I like everything about you."

 _You deserve better than me_ , he didn't add, enjoying instead the smile lighting up Ed's face.

*****

They'd run out of nice biscuits according to Vic, which was funny because biscuits was the one thing that never seemed to run out at Keeper's. But the fake dilemma did give Robert a reason to go out and take Seb with him.

Rebecca looked worried about that, but Vic pointed at Robert's cast and said. "I wouldn't worry. He's armless."

Both Rebecca and Robert stared at her. Harry laughed so hard he fell sideways on the sofa, which made Seb double over and laugh.

Rebecca was smiling in their direction, watching Seb with a warm look. Sighing, she looked at Robert and said, "Fine. But if you're not back in ten-"

"Fifteen," Robert said. "I promise."

Rebecca sagged, folding her arms and sighing. "Okay. But...maybe get cake instead of biscuits?"

"Oh yeah, cake sounds good," Vic agreed.

Harry agreed, telling them, "I want cakes!"

Robert ended up getting both cake and biscuits, letting Seb choose, enjoying listening to his doubtlessly borrowed reasoning. Robert had a chat with David too, engaging in a little more normality, before David cottoned onto the fact that the little boy with him was Seb.

"Oh, mate, you've grown," David said brightly. Seb nodded hard. David grinned at Robert and said, "Looks like you might have and all. You always been this tall?"

Seb grinned, watching Robert for a response. Robert put his money on the counter and said. "Pretty much. You look like you're a little shorter though. Not shrinking, are ya?"

"You what?" David said, looking appalled as Robert and Seb left grinning together. "You're joking, right? I have _not_ shrunk!"

Robert created a slow meandering route to take them home, listening to Seb talk about school and Ben and Annie and Mr Banks who seemed to be his nemesis for the time being. Robert was unable to stop grinning the entire time.

They'd made it back to the gate at Keeper's when Seb said with a worried look, "Are you going to go back to prison?"

 _I don't know_ , Robert almost said, realising that he was very much still walking around with the fear that freedom was temporary. That one day someone would clap him on the shoulder and he'd turn around to see a couple of police officers waiting to take him back.

"I don't plan on it," Robert answered.

Seb peered at the cast on Robert's arm. Robert waited patiently with a little smile on his face. Finally Seb said, "When Ben broke his arm, I drew a picture on there, and it was of me and him. And a train. Annie drawed some flowers."

Robert grinned. "How about you liven this thing up when we go inside?"

Seb grinned, nodding enthusiastically. His little forehead crinkled and he asked, "Will I see Daddy Aaron?"

"Oh...uh." Robert stalled. His mouth flapped uselessly for a second, no words coming out. Finally, he sighed and said, "I don't know. Is that...something you wanted to do?"

Seb shrugged, not really looking at Robert. "I dunno. My friend Joel has two dads."

Robert laughed, nodding. "Okay."

"I might," Seb said with a shrug. Frowning, he nodded hard and said, "I saw a film, and we were all there. He looks like _good_ people."

Robert grinned, shaking his head. "He is. He's the best. But...we're divorced. It means he doesn't get to be called your dad anymore. It makes things complicated."

"That sounds dumb," Seb said. "Mummy said he knows how to make cars. Do you think he would make one for me?"

"Tell you what," Robert said. "I'll talk to him. Tell him I know a guy who needs a mechanic and wants to talk to him."

Seb grinned. Angling his head at Robert, he said, "Are you going to come to see us in Liverpool?"

"I'd like to," Robert said with a nod. "I'd like it if you could come stay here too sometimes. Hang out with your old dad. What do you think?"

"I'll think about it," Seb said, looking every inch a critical White.

"You do that," Robert said with a nod.

"Everything alright?" Vic asked, having quietly sneaked outside without Robert hearing. She was looking at them both with the glee of a seasoned eavesdropper.

"Yeah. We were just talking. You know, man to man," Robert said, turning to wink at Seb who grinned and nodded at Vic. "You up for some cake?"

"Yeah!" Seb yelled, moving towards the gate in a series of over-exaggerated jumps, Vic opening the gate to usher him into the house.

She looked at Robert once Seb was inside. Smiling at him, she said, "You okay?"

Robert took a deep breath and smiled. "Yeah."

Vic grinned, tugging on Robert's arm. "Come on. Let's have some of that cake."

*****

They arrived in Emmerdale just before two, the village looking Sunday sleepy quiet. Ed parked up outside Dale View and said, "Why don't we quickly put the bags inside and go see Chas? Tell her we had a good time."

"Yeah, but let's not stay too long," Aaron said. "Back to work tomorrow. Want to just veg out on the sofa for a bit"

"Sounds good to me," Ed said, getting out of the car and walking straight to the boot. Aaron followed, standing aside as Ed took both their cases and said, "I'll get them inside, you lock up the car yeah?"

Aaron let Ed slide past, quickly making his way to the house. Aaron meanwhile shut the boot of the car and checked the doors were locked. It was when he turned away that he noticed the scene outside Vic's place.

Vic was there, holding Harry and talking to a very familiar face, both women animated and smiling. Robert was talking to a little boy. Aaron didn't have to be told who the boy was. The tint of his hair, the features of his face, they all spelled out the name Sebastian White. Rebecca turned to Seb and said something, Seb shyly stepping forward and reaching out for Robert.

Robert crouched down and gave his son a hug. A long and tight hug and Aaron couldn't help but smile at that sight. When Robert stood back up, he looked...maybe as devastated as Aaron felt. There were years lost of holding Seb, seeing him grow.

Rebecca and Vic hugged, Rebecca kissing Harry and waving at him. She turned to Robert, her expression sober. He nodded at her and she leaned in to quickly press a kiss to his cheek. Funny, Aaron thought, even after all this time, all that had happened, he felt the tiniest paper-cut of jealousy.

Rebecca and Seb climbed into the back of a cab. Aaron took a step forward, abruptly stopping when he realised he wasn't a part of this goodbye. He wasn't family. All he could do was stand there and watch Robert and Vic waving them off. As the car disappeared into the distance, Vic took Harry indoors, Robert still standing there, looking at an empty space.

When he turned to go inside, he finally noticed Aaron, freezing where he stood. They were only houses apart. It was easy to see the shine of Robert's eyes. They both stared at each from a distance, just staring at each on either side of an invisible wall neither could climb.

Aaron sniffed, wiping his face free of tears he hadn't even noticed falling, turning his back on Robert to find Ed behind him. Ed's eyes flicked over Aaron's shoulder to Robert and back to Aaron. "You alright?"

Aaron nodded, his voice hoarse when he said, "Yeah. Let's go to the pub."

Ed looked across the street before looking back at Aaron and suggesting. "Let's talk first. Okay?"

It wasn't okay, but Ed deserved more than Aaron knocking back a dozen pints all evening. Aaron nodded. "Okay."

Ed looked over Aaron's shoulder once more, brow furrowing in confusion before he turned and headed back inside. Aaron followed, stopping at the gate to glance back once more. Robert was gone, leaving behind an empty space.


	11. Chapter 11

In prison, Robert would lay in his bunk staring up at the ceiling, blocking out the unnerving noises of the night by thinking of a colour to pull back the curtain on moments that were like still-life paintings come to life at the flicker of a thought.

A flame hot blue took him into an old house on an ill-fated day. Kate died on that day. He'd never meant for it to happen. The floor wasn't supposed to give. He pushed her, wanting to bully her out of her intentions. She was supposed to stumble back afraid. Not go through that floor. He hated this. Hated that before he could look at one part of this memory, he had to look at her lifeless body first.

Flame hot blue.

_I love you. And I know you love me too._

It should have ended there. Maybe somewhere it did end there. Maybe Robert heard those words and said, ' _yeah, yeah I do_ '. Maybe somewhere out there he gave in to the fear that being with Chrissie could only ever make him rich, but never happy. Being with Aaron...he'd never need anything else. Aaron would always be enough. More than. What would that life have been like? Where might it have taken them if he'd been brave enough?

Dark watery blue.

_Robert, I love you, okay? I love you. Please just go._

He would have stayed with Aaron. He would have let the water fill his lungs, let the life slip out of him, if it meant leaving Aaron. How had that been easier than leaving Chrissie? How had the prospect of the end of life become easier than the end of a lie? Aaron, he thought. Aaron had done that to him. He'd taken up all those hollow spaces inside Robert that money had failed to fill. Dying for Aaron seemed easy in comparison to living without him.

Pale moonlit blue.

_Will you just come home with me?_

Robert lay in his bunk one night, tears sliding down his temples into his hair. They'd both come so close to having it all. For all his gruffness, all the ways he pushed Robert away when he was angry, Aaron had made clear that he could _see_ Robert, see the way Robert loved him, see him trying to be better even if no one else could. They'd gone home and that was meant to be the beginning of their happy ever after.

Today though...the look on Aaron's face. It had brought back another memory, this time in bleached mournful blues.

_We were supposed to do this together!_

He hadn't see Aaron's face when he cried out those words. Just the look in his eyes before Robert was carted away by the police. He'd sat in his cell all night, just thinking of that look. There it was again today. The same sorrow in Aaron's eyes as he stood there, a hurt so visible that Robert felt it like a blade slicing through his own lungs. It had made his heart trip and speed up in some strange panic.

"He was just standing there," Robert said quietly, staring off into space, Vic perched on the arm of the sofa, looking at him slumped in the armchair. His hand was trembling a little as he chewed on the edge of his thumbnail, his heart still beating strange, too fast and too light. "He must have...he must have seen Seb and Rebecca."

Vic's mouth opened and then closed without a word. So it was bad. Bad enough that Vic had nothing comforting to offer.

Robert closed his eyes, shaking his head. "He'll be in a state about this."

"You weren't to know they'd turn up just in time to see Seb," Vic said. "Look, go talk to him. Just explain you didn't have enough time to tell him. Maybe...maybe Aaron could see him next time Seb's over."

Robert stared at her. "What?"

"Well, why not?" Vic asked. "I mean, Seb did ask about him and it's not like Rebecca's hidden the fact that Aaron was his dad. I mean, okay, things are different, but-"

"No," Robert said, getting up. He rubbed his forehead right over the ache throbbing over his eyes. "I can't dangle Seb as a conditional son who depends on whether I'm in prison or not."

Vic frowned at him. "But you're not in prison, are ya? And I doubt you'll be going back."

She seemed so sure. But he was the one who woke up in the night thinking he was still in a small cell, listening to the footsteps of guards walking the corridors, the sounds of inmates who chose the night to lose their mind and cry out their frustrations until the guards yelled them into silence. Vic didn't see the shadow that followed him, of a prison looming high behind his shoulder, waiting to drag him back inside.

"Rob?" she asked quietly.

"I...I need to get some air," he said unsteadily, moving towards the door with Vic calling out after him as he stepped outside, walking away until he could feel the cool air hitting his lungs and calming his heart.

*****

Aaron stared into his mug of tea, hand wrapped tight around it, the ceramic hot to the touch, the heat sharp and grounding. Ed sat across from him on the other side of the dining table with his coffee-filled cup, looking at it, silent and stern.

A wave of déjà vu rolled through Aaron, leaving him feeling unsettled. This small round table may as well have been identical to the one in their small apartment. Had they meant to buy something that reminded them of the home they used to have? One look in the direction of their kitchen said yes. Aaron looked across at the sofa and the coffee table. Those would have looked at home in the Mill.

Aaron frowned at his tea, a memory knocking at the door of his mind. A coffee cup smashing on the floor. A brief quiet before the next storm.

"You don't understand," Aaron had accused Ed, looking at the white shards of a broken cup.

"I understand you want to go back to help your mate and get banged up while you're over there," Ed snapped. "For something _he_ did!"

Aaron turned away, frustrated and angry. Adam was going to end up on the inside. He wouldn't be able to hack it. He _needed_ Aaron.

Ed walked around Aaron, bringing them face to face again, his voice low and restrained. "He is not your responsibility, Aaron. You already gave up your home and family so he wouldn't have to."

Aaron stared at Ed before yelling, "I came here because I thought you _wanted_ me here!"

"I do!" Ed yelled back. "That's the problem, Aaron! I don't want you to go!"

Ed's eyes were shining. He shook his head, grimacing and looking away. Aaron shifted to put himself back in Ed's line of sight, softly telling him, "I'll be back. I promise ya. Ed...he needs me."

" _I_ need you," Ed said unsteadily, a baffled look on his face.

Aaron shook his head. "If he goes down, he won't be able to handle it. I can't let that happen. I _can't_."

"And if you get banged up?" Ed asked.

"I won't," Aaron said. He took Ed's hands in his. "I need you on my side here. Please. Try to understand. He's like a brother to me."

Ed nodded, pulling his hands away. "Yeah. Only because that's all he's offering."

Aaron stepped back, feeling hit square in the chest even if Ed hadn't touched him. He darted towards the front door, grabbing his jacket on the way out.

"Aaron!" Ed said, chasing after him, grabbing his arm. "Aaron, don't. I didn't mean that."

Aaron ripped his arm out of Ed's grasp, nodding at him, tearfully telling him, "I think you did, mate."

Off he'd gone to sulk the entire evening away, while Ed waited on the doorstep of their building with apologetic eyes and miserable look on his face.

"Sorry," Aaron said quietly, for this, for the past. For everything. Ed looked up, surprised. Aaron explained, "For ruining a perfectly good day."

"You didn't," Ed said, watching him closely. "I just want to know what did. You and him...you looked like you were on a totally different planet."

"Seb," Aaron said quietly, back to watching the colour of his tea, feeling the heat seep into his palm.

"Seb," Ed echoed.

When Aaron looked up, Ed was frowning, his eyes on the living room window, as if the answers were written there. He'd seen photographs of Seb in albums that hadn't burnt with the Mill, at Vic's, at the Woolie, but to him Seb was no more than a stranger.

Ed nodded. "Robert's little boy."

Yeah... _Robert's_ little boy. Aaron nodded. That was an accurate description after all.

"I saw him, outside. He was with his mum. They were obviously here to see Robert." Aaron swallowed, trying to control the whirlpool of emotions in his head, in his chest. "I've...I haven't seen him since Robert went to prison. His mum thought it would be a bad idea, confusing. Then there was the divorce."

Aaron propped his elbow on the table, his body feeling too heavy to hold itself up. He shook his head, pushing his fingers through his hair. Ed was still watching him, unnervingly quiet. Aaron was beginning to feel hot, trapped.

"I'm just some stranger to him. Probably wouldn't even know me if he saw me." The words tumbled out breathlessly, unsteady. He wiped the tears in his eyes with the cuffs of his sweater sleeves, absorbing them before they could fall. "Sorry."

Ed got up, walking around the table to a closer chair, pulling it along with him so he was near Aaron. He sat down, reaching for Aaron's shoulder with one hand, the other hand on Aaron's knee.

"Aaron," he said quietly. "I get it. You were his dad. I get that."

Aaron looked at him, nodding. "It's just hard. Seeing him again. I didn't even get to talk to him. And why would I? We're not...we're _nothing_ to each other."

"Come here," Ed said, pulling him close and holding onto him.

Aaron swallowed the wrenching feeling in his throat, squeezing his eyes shut into dark orange blindness, refusing to think of Robert standing there in the street and looking at Aaron as if he was the one who'd just had his heart cut in two.

*****

"Go on then. Sounded urgent on the phone."

Robert tried not to fidget where he stood, Chas in front with her arms folded across her chest. They were both in the middle of the back room, standing there like a duel was about to take place.

"Um...Seb was here," Robert said.

"What?" Chas looked delighted for all the time it took for the ramifications of Seb's visit to sink in. After a moment she said, "What's happened? It's Aaron, isn't it?"

"He saw Seb and Rebecca leaving Keeper's. Just as he and Ed got back," Robert said. "He didn't know they were visiting. Looked really upset. You need to go over there, Chas."

Chas stared at him, shaking her head. "And tell him _what_? Do you have any idea of what he went through losing access to Seb? For him, that's his little boy he's just seen go off with out a word or a hug."

"What was I supposed to do?" Robert snapped. "Knock on his door and ask him if he wants to play happy families with his ex-stepson? Do you know what it was like seeing my boy after all this time? What it felt like knowing he barely remembers me? You think I don't know what your son is going through. Trust me, Chas. I _know_."

Chas looked surprised by the outburst, mouth clamping shut.

Robert swallowed, quietly telling her. "I don't want to hurt him more than I already have. I need your help, okay?"

Chas gave him a wide-eyed look. After a moment, she nodded. "I'll go talk to him."

Robert felt all the energy he had left leaving him, walking around the head of the sofa and sinking into the corner, head in hand. Chas was slow to move, finally pulling up a dining chair to sit in front of him.

Robert looked up at her, shaking his head. "I wouldn't have let it happen. If I had any power, I wouldn't have stopped him from seeing Seb. You know that, right?"

"I do," Chas said, "but you did have the power to not do something so reckless you ended up in prison. I'm just glad that in your usual slippery fashion, you've managed to slip out of this mess and all."

Chas offered up a slight smile. Great, he thought, Chas Dingle was pitying him. Robert shook his head miserably. "Everything's still a mess from where I'm sitting."

Chas leaned forward, grabbing his knee and peering into his eyes. "You're Robert Sugden. If there's anyone who's good at getting back on his feet again, it's you. Done it enough times."

She leaned back, Robert nodding, trying to keep his face stiff, feeling the tremors in his chin and lips, pushing them away by rubbing his face.

"You do need to talk to him though," Chas said, sounding resigned. "As much as I'd like you both to just keep out of each other's way, you need to be honest with him, about where he stands with Seb. I don't want you promising something you can't give him. He's come such a long way, Rob. He's got a chance to be happy again. A chance to...have his own family."

"I know," Robert said once he found enough breath for the two simple words, swallowing down Chas's bitter pill. Outside Charity was baying for Chas. Robert took that as his cue, getting up. "Sorry. Better let you go."

Chas caught his hand as he turned to leave. Robert looked at her, confused, even more so when she stepped forward and hugged him. Robert stood there limp in her arms for a moment, heart heavy with loss and regret. She gave him a squeeze and stepped back, wearing that no nonsense look of hers, her hand still on his arm.

"Just because I want Aaron and Ed to have the biggest and gayest wedding imaginable," she said with a small smile, "doesn't mean I'm not happy you're out. That... _scum_ was vile. I'd have done the same in your place. I almost did once, remember? But you were there to stop me from making things worse. I just wish someone had been there to stop you."

Robert nodded jerkily. "I know."

Chas blew out a breath, patting his arm. "Right. I better get out there before Charity comes in here and gives me an earful. You going to be alright?"

"Yeah, of course," Robert said. "You know me."

"I do actually," she said with a snort. "It's why I'm asking. Come on. You can have a drink on me."

"Uh, no. Thanks," Robert said. "I...I need to go make a phone call."

She gave him a long look of appraisal, before nodding and tottering off with, "Okay. Suit yourself."

Robert stood there in the empty room for a while, looking for answers, finding only memories that taunted him with what was lost.

*****

"What you thinking?" Ed asked.

Aaron glanced to the side where Ed was sitting next to him on the doorstep, both of them looking out into their tiny garden. He folded his arms over his drawn up knees, resting his chin atop his arms, just staring at Ed, shaking his head.

"Must be thinking about something," Ed said.

Aaron frowned. "Are you not sick of this? How things have been recently?"

Ed nodded, never afraid to shy away from the truth. "Yeah. But I'm in love with you, aren't I?"

"Why?" Aaron asked with a frown. "After the way I left things-"

"That was then," Ed said with a shrug. "We've had that conversation. This is now. And...now...we need to think about where this is going. We need think about whether you can live with your ex-husband on your doorstep, your step-son visiting him on weekends. We need to think about us, how we fit into all this. I need to know how _I_ fit into all this."

Aaron looked at him, searching the depths of that too calm brown gaze. A calm that Aaron had felt since he and Ed had gotten back together, a calm he thought was contentment. But he wondered now if it was simply an expectation of inevitable betrayal.

Aaron had walked out on him once. Ed was waiting for him to do it again.

"I'm going to unpack our stuff," Ed said. "How about we leave seeing Chas tonight? I'll pick us up a curry or something and we'll stay in."

Aaron nodded in answer, accepting the gentle kiss that caught half his mouth before Ed got up and disappeared inside. Aaron frowned up at the sky which was now beginning to darken. He thought back to France, sitting down next to Ed on the doorstep of their building, both of them hurting, both of them angry.

"I just want to know where I stand," Ed had said in quiet defeat.

Aaron stared at him, as if Ed had gone mad. "I _love_ you."

Ed nodded, heartbreak clearly reflected in his glassy eyes. "I know you do. But do you love me more than him?"

Aaron had been so angry, convincing himself for the longest time that Ed's question had been reason enough to leave.

Looking away from the sky, Aaron closed his eyes in embarrassment, resting his head on top of his folded arms. Sighing, he wished he'd picked Ed back then and never come back here.


	12. Chapter 12

Robert felt tired. He was existing on nightly broken sleep. He was walking around feeling like an exposed live wire, every odd noise sending him into sparks of nervousness. Every time he breathed his freedom in gratefully, he felt a tremor of fear that he might lose it any second. And now as he came to a stop in front of Dale View, another thin layer of nerves announced itself in a strange heart-sinking feeling. He couldn't think of what to say to Aaron. What promises and apologies could a man make when he had nothing to offer? He wearily continued making his way to the door and knocked.

Someone who was definitely not Aaron shouted from the other side, "I'll get it!"

Robert stood up straight, bolstering himself to meet Ed. The door opened, first with a quick jerk and then slowing down. Ed looked at him with fleeting surprise, which gave way to a calm unreadable expression.

Robert nodded to him, keeping his hands in his pockets. He doubted Aaron's boyfriend wanted to shake hands with his ex-husband. He was pretty sure he didn't want to congratulate someone on acquiring his ex-husband. "Hi. You must be Ed."

The door was opened a little wider. Robert received a nod. “Yeah. Robert, right?”

"Right," Robert said. "I was hoping to catch your boyfriend actually. But I can come back if it's not a good time."

Ed nodded, a strange little smile on his face. "Nah. He's probably expecting you."

“Thanks,” Robert said, following Ed inside and looking around.

The house was the same size as Vic’s but some smart choices gave it an airier look, the kitchen modern, the living room in warm greys, both spaces divided by a slim counter rather than walled away from each other. While Robert cast his eye over the decor, Ed disappeared up the stairs. Robert could hear the quiet murmur of voices in the room above, but couldn't really make out the conversation itself.

After a minute Ed came back down, nodding to Robert. "He'll be down in a sec."

"Thanks," Robert said. They stood in awkward silence for a moment, before Robert said, "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

That same little smile flickered around Ed's mouth, his eyes on Robert. After a few seconds he turned towards the dining table, picking up from the back of a chair what must have been his jacket.

"Nah. I was just on my way out," Ed said.

“Not on my account, I hope," Robert said. "I just came here to explain about Seb. He's um, Seb's my son."

Ed nodded, offering Robert a bemused smile. "It's fine. Besides, sticking around to watch my boyfriend tear his ex a new one, not really my kind of entertainment."

Robert stared at Ed and then let out a quiet laugh. "Fair enough."

Ed, still bemused, offered a wry smile and made his way out. With Ed gone, Robert took a closer look at the living room and noticed part of the space seemed to look like a strange facsimile of the Mill's living room, similar pieces in similar shades, without the hefty price tags Aaron had moaned about. He'd said to Robert at the time, _'You can be stylish without being stupid, you know?'_ and then laughed when Robert said, _'Well, maybe I want to be stupid too'._

He snapped out of the happy memory at the sound of Aaron's footsteps down the walled off stairs. A moment later he walked around the corner of the wall standing by the kitchen counter for a moment, just looking at Robert. He looked the way he did when he was trying hard to keep his calm. That never lasted long.

Robert took a deep breath, nodding to him. He pointed towards the door Ed had gone through. “He seems nice.”

Aaron nodded, looking flushed and somewhat fragile. "That what you come over to tell me, yeah?"

"Um...no," Robert said quietly.

He looked around the living room, at the shining modern kitchen on the other side of the counter that divided the space, the blue-greys of the living room mixed in with warm wood. He couldn't stop feeling a deep ache in his chest at the sight of them. A yearning that was...messing with his head, his heart. This was a bad idea. He should have waited before coming here to _their_ space.

"Robert?" Robert looked at Aaron, surprised, wondering how long he'd zoned out for. Aaron was looking at him with curiosity, eyes soft with worry.

Robert nodded and said, "I'm sorry. About earlier...about Seb. You shouldn't have found out like that."

Aaron's eyes filled quick, his hand moving up to destroy the evidence before it could fall down his face. He mustered a smile, sniffing wetly as he walked a little further into the room. "Yeah? How should I have found out? A letter? A message on me mum's phone?"

Robert closed his eyes, shaking his head. "That's not fair."

"Fair," Aaron laughed, the sound jagged with pain.

"There's no point in rehashing the same conversation over and over," Robert said, stiffening where he stood.

Aaron let out a sound, breath expelled hard as if his chest had collapsed. "No point? No point talking about how I lost _everything_ that mattered to me. Seb was _our_ little boy. But I had no right to see him. You know how _pathetic_ it made me feel? Then...I see him out there, and he’s all grown up, and I'm just...I'm _nothing_ to him. _You_ did that to me when you sent me those papers. You left me and you _turned_ me into _nothing._ ”

Aaron stopped, his chest shuddering so hard Robert could see he couldn’t speak. Aaron wiped away the tears on his face, eyes wetly glaring at Robert.

Robert nodded, biting down on the inside of his mouth, his heart beating frantic in his chest. Clenching his jaw, he tried to bite back the words. Really tried. "I didn't make you sign those papers though, did I? You did that all by yourself."

Aaron looked stunned, mouth opening soundlessly. When he finally spoke, he managed no more than, "What?"

"I sent the papers," Robert said, "so you could move on with your life. But I never made you sign them. All I did was offer you a way out. _You_ took it."

"What was I supposed to do?" Aaron asked, sounded winded. "You wouldn't let me see you, or talk to you. What was I supposed to do?"

Robert shrugged, finding nothing to offer in the way of consolation. "I don't know. All I know is...on top of my freedom, I lost everything that meant anything. At least you got to move on. In fact, you didn't do badly at all did you? That Ed, he's a catch."

Aaron took a step back, a blank look on his face. His jaw seemed to work stiffly before he could speak, the slow creep of devastation appearing slowly across his features.

"We done here?" Aaron asked quietly.

Robert had an apology already growing in his throat, wanting out. Aaron was barely holding on, mouth clamped down on quaking lips. Robert nodded, telling him with forced calm, "Yeah. We're done."

Aaron's mouth turned down, eyes flashing with the glisten of new tears. He nodded jerkily, tears spilling over. Robert turned away from the sight, leaving without looking back.

*****

Robert was gone.

Ed still wasn't back.

Liv was...not close enough.

Seb, he was even further away.

So Aaron was left with himself, the person he liked spending time with the least. The living room was receiving the last of the waning light from outside, casting everything in dark shadows as he sat at the kitchen table staring at nothing.

Robert was as big a liar as he'd ever been. Aaron had waited. He _had._ Signing those papers had been no mean feat. He'd swam through a river of drink and meaningless encounters with men whose faces he didn't even remember so he could sign those papers. All he had left of those moments was a shameful claustrophobia that smashed into his mind when he least expected it.

_I didn't make you sign those papers_

Like then. It was a like a fist to the head. Aaron shut his eyes, scowling. There was a bloke he'd taken to his and Robert's bed, and he couldn't stop thinking about it. That letter had been sitting on the kitchen table, whilst Aaron was upstairs necking another can so he could have sex with some random. Aaron blew out a breath, closing his eyes again. A trickle of heated tears rolled down his cheek and he wiped it them roughly.

He _had_ waited. He _had_. Robert had cut him off, cut him out. Aaron had signed those papers because it was what Robert wanted. Wasn't it? Aaron fisted his hands, pushing them against his eyes, a ragged sound escaping his chest.

Ed's key made a sound in the lock. Aaron looked up, realised the state of himself, sitting there in the dark. Even as Ed was opening the door he disappeared up the stairs and into the bathroom. After a moment he heard Ed call out, "Aaron? Aaron!"

Aaron opened the bathroom door. "Upstairs. About to take a shower."

"Why are all the lights off?" Ed asked, as the glow of the lights coming on appeared up the stairs. "I've got food. Don't take too long, yeah?"

"I won't," Aaron called back, shutting the door and stepping back.

The mirror above the sink showed him his flushed face and pink eyes, tears still shining where he hadn't quite gotten rid of them. He backed away and sat down on the edge of the bath.

He had waited, he thought again. He _had_. He would have waited forever if Robert hadn't pushed him away the way he did. He would have moved closer. He would have visited every opportunity. Spoken to him on the phone every day. He would spent fourteen years together even if they were apart. He would have waited forever.

He _did_ wait.

He had waited as long as he could before the feeling of being thrown away could overwhelm him for good.

*****

The Mill looked like a black gravestone against the evening's dimming sky, the sunset behind it a fiery orange. There it was, over the buried corpse of the life Robert once had.

"Been wanting to talk to you since Vic said you were back. Just...didn't know what to say."

"Welcome home, Robert. Missed you loads, Robert," Robert said with a shrug. "You sound as handsome as ever, Robert."

There was a quiet throaty laugh on the other end of the phone line that tapered off into silence. After a while, Liv said, "You been to see Aaron then?"

"We had a chat," Robert said with a nod. "He's angry about...you know, everything."

"You didn't make it easy," Liv said quietly. "He struggled. I'd never seen him like that. I hated it. Having to be the strong one while he just went off the rails. Then Cain moved in, and suddenly there were people in and out of the Mill all the time. It wasn't even like my home anymore. Aaron didn't even notice. He was practically living at the scrapyard. And then...the fire happened. Everything just went from bad to worse when you left."

Robert shook his head, remembering what it took to make the Mill into a home. Maybe it was just destined to be destroyed by fire until nothing was left to rebuild. "What happened? The place is a wreck."

"I don't know," she said quietly. "All I remember is, Aaron was out early again that morning. Cain was there, cheery as ever, before he went off to work. I was feeling tired, head-achy. Weird. Then it's a blank. Next thing I remember is lying on the kitchen floor and there was smoke everywhere. I knew I'd had a fit. Aaron got me out though. Ran in there like an idiot and saved me."

Robert smiled slightly. "Yeah. He is an idiot."

"Oi, shut up," she said with a laugh.

Robert grinned. "So, what's the deal now? How long are you guys keeping it all boarded up?"

"Robert...Aaron sold it. I mean, the land anyway. He had to. The insurance didn't pay out," Liv said after a too long pause. Robert went quiet, stepping back from the gates and wire fencing. "Rob?"

"Yeah," Robert said. "That's, um, that's...makes financial sense."

"Yeah, well, there's also Ed. I don't think he would have been keen on moving into the house his boyfriend shared with his ex-husband."

"Said that did he?" Robert asked, glancing back in the direction of Dale View.

"I dunno. Sounded like it. We were staying at the Woolpack, me and Aaron, after the fire. One night when Ed stayed over, I could hear them talking downstairs. Aaron was thinking about taking out a loan to fix up the Mill. So we could have a proper home again."

Robert nodding, ignoring the sharp cut of jealousy at the idea of Aaron making their home with someone else.

"Ed said they could have a proper home. ' _Me and you_ ' he said ' _if things work out_ '." Robert could hear her take a deep breath before she said, "Aaron asked him about me, ' _what about Liv?_ ' and Ed said, ' _course she can live with us, but she's not going to be with us forever, so we don't need some big fancy house do we?_ '."

Robert was quiet. What could he say? That there was a time when he looked forward to a future where he had Aaron to himself? That Liv being family just kind of crept on him and after a while, the thought of a family that didn't include her was incomplete, whether she was with them or not.

"He was right though," Liv said. "I never thought of it that way. While I was worrying Aaron might leave me, I didn't think about me, that I might want to leave. Aaron still didn't say anything to me. All he said was we'll probably have to downsize. _We_. Me and him. Wish you'd both gone to France. I wish I hadn't come after you-"

"Liv. I went to prison because it was my choice," Robert said. "Because I was sick of being someone who runs away from his mistakes. I wanted to do the right thing. I don't want you to blame yourself for this. This was all me."

Liv sniffed. "It was better when you were a selfish git. You've got way too soft."

Robert smiled. "Liv. You know your brother always has a place for you, don't you?"

"Yeah. I know. I know he does," Liv said. "It's just...good if he thinks about himself for a change. I can take care of myself."

"Yeah?" Robert asked. "How are you doing, with the seizures?"

"Haven't had one in ages," Liv said. "And if it happens...it happens. Can't wish it away."

"No," Robert said. "That's a pretty useless strategy."

"How's Seb?" Liv asked. "Vic said he was gonna come over a visit."

"Yeah, saw him today," Robert said. "Unfortunately, so did your brother, just as Seb and Rebecca were leaving. He looked gutted. I may as well have just cut his heart out of his chest and handed it to him by the looks of things."

"You didn't tell him Seb was visiting?" Liv asked, sounding about as annoyed as Chas had.

"I didn't exactly have time. He was too busy on a romantic weekend with his boyfriend," Robert said with a roll of his eyes.

Liv was quiet for a moment. Then she laughed and said, "You jealous?"

"Shut up," Robert objected.

She laughed. "You are. Oh my god. That is hilarious. You're not gonna to do anything over the top and embarrassing are ya?"

Robert shook his head smiling. "Ha ha. Hey, that Ed, he was a rugby player, wasn't he? Does that make your brother...what's the guy version of a WAG?"

Liv laughed. "HAB?"

"Yeah." Robert laughed along. Liv let out a very old and familiar giggle, childish and happy. Robert smiled at the sound of it. "So. You coming to visit or what?"

"My brother's ex-husband? That makes sense," Liv said.

Robert nodded, grinning. "True."

"Maybe I'll make an exception," she said quietly. "Next time I'm over to see Aaron."

"Good," Robert said. "You should do that. He misses you. Thinks you're angry with him."

"He tell you that, did he?" Liv asked.

"No. Vic did. She's terrible at keeping private conversations private. Don't ever tell her anything," Robert said, hearing another laugh from Liv. "He does though. Thinks you don't want to see him."

"It's not him," Liv said.

"I know that," Robert said. "But he doesn't."

"Rob?" Liv said after a moment of quiet.

"Yeah?"

"I missed ya," she said quietly.

"I missed you," Robert said quietly. He blew out a breath. "Listen, I've got to go. Think about how to clean up the new mess I just made with your brother."

"Why do you keep doing that?" Liv asked.

Robert frowned. "What?"

" _Your brother_ , you keep saying," Liv said. "Like he's nothing to you."

Robert felt something give, all the way from his chest to his stomach, like a pillar that had been holding him up cracking loudly, threatening to crumble.

"Nothing? No," Robert murmured. "He's not nothing. He's just...he's not mine anymore."

"Rob-"

"I gotta go," Robert said. "I'll see you, Liv."

He cut the call, pocketing his phone and looking past the gates at the Mill, seeing it through his mind's eye as it used to be. Somewhere up there, someone was laughing at him for trying so hard to make something of his life, reminding him that he was fated to lose all that he loved.


	13. Chapter 13

Ed was moving around, trying to be quiet. It didn't really matter since Aaron was awake and had been most of the night. Curled on his side with his back to the room, he lay there blinking at the curtained off window. His mind was still stuck in the day before. He closed his eyes, scowling against it all, trying to take a deep breath to make it go away. But he couldn't stop thinking about what Robert had said, about Robert sitting in a prison cell, newly divorced and entirely alone.

Aaron couldn't stop his memories of being in prison, locked up and trapped, thinking only of going home to Robert. It had hurt being apart from Robert, but he had known that at the end of those few months, they'd be together again. Robert had nothing other than the confirmation that he and Aaron were done. Aaron swallowed, tears trickling sideways and straight into his pillow.

Ed carried on with his morning routine in the bathroom, shrouded in a new quiet that wasn't just about being considerate. He was angry, Aaron thought. Ed didn't do shouting or punching. He did simmering, he did distance. Like last night. Ed was sitting next to Aaron on the sofa, but they could have been miles apart.

"You okay?" he'd asked as Aaron appeared after taking a shower. Aaron nodded, mustering a smile. Ed offered a smile in return, nodding to the set table.

They ate making stilted conversation about nothing in particular. Aaron's mind was stuck in the past, sometimes in Paris with Ed, sometimes the Mill with Robert. The future seemed unimaginable.

"You and Robert sort things then?" Ed asked. The question sounded strange, but Aaron couldn't quite pinpoint why. _You and Robert_ , he thought. There _was_ no him and Robert.

Aaron said, "Just ended up arguing as usual."

Ed offered a nod and they continued eating in silence after that. Aaron offered to clean away the containers, wrappers and beer bottles, while Ed slumped down on the sofa, sitting there lost in the glare of the TV, his gaze fixed somewhere far beyond.

Aaron joined him and they sat together side by side, the evening passing them by. Aaron glanced at Ed, who was so close and yet so far away. He covered Ed's hand with his own until Ed gave him a questioning look. Aaron leaned in and they kissed.

Ed seemed into it, kissing Aaron back with his usual enthusiasm. But then as Aaron moved forward, his body pressing against Ed's in a telling move, one that said they should move things upstairs. Ed pressed a hand against Aaron's chest, pulling away. He frowned, licking his bottom lip.

"Um...I was thinking about an early night. Feel pretty shattered." Aaron nodded, clamping his mouth shut and leaning back, trying to fix his gaze on anywhere but Ed. Looking guilty, Ed added, "It's been a long day."

Aaron smiled, shaking his head. "You don't need to explain. You're allowed to say no."

Thankfully, Ed smiled back. The mood had shifted though and half an hour later Ed had gone to bed for his early night, Aaron telling him he'd be up soon. Only, it came to three in the morning, and Aaron had been sitting there on the sofa, looking around the living room and remembering Robert standing there looking so lost for a moment.

Aaron climbed into bed an hour later with a heavy sigh and an aching head. Ed continued sleeping peacefully next to him, before waking up two hours later. Now he was done getting dressed, still too quiet.

Aaron waited for a gentle pat on the arm, a tap on the shoulder, a quiet whisper of, "I'm off, I'll see you later. Love you."

It didn't come. Ed left so silently, Aaron didn't even hear the front door shut.

*****

Robert sighed, eyes closed, the wall hard against his back. His bottle of whiskey was a third empty. But the blur of alcohol did nothing to calm the storm of emotions he was feeling. Everything was above him, pressing down, making it hard to think. To breathe.

There was Seb and the chance to be a proper dad. What if he couldn’t do it? What if he messed it up? That was what he did after all, destroy anything in his life that happened to be good. Destroy other people’s lives along with his own.

Robert looked up at the tilted ceiling where a chunk had fallen away to leave the rest hanging precariously and a large hole into the room above. It seemed fair, the destruction of his life, after what had happened to Katie and Andy. This all seemed fair. But also...not. He picked up the bottle and took another swig, bitter tears obeying his will and staying where they were collecting at the corners of his eyes.

He thought of Vic and Harry. He’d let down Vic already, now there was Harry too. One more person to let down. One day this freedom-trick would be over, and he would be back in the noise and chaos of prison.

Robert blew out a breath, putting his hand over his chest where it ached. It took a moment of quietening his mind, a moment of blocking out sounds and images that weren’t in the present, but ghosts of the past.

Another breath.

And another.

And he could open his eyes again, letting his head tilt back and hitting the wall with a thud.

He looked up at the hole in the ceiling and had another drink.

*****

Aaron patted down his jacket to make sure he had his keys and phone, before glancing in the direction of the kitchen. Back door and windows shut. Hob off. Lights off. Everything seemed okay, but he couldn't help doubling back to the kitchen to check the toaster and kettle weren't plugged in and the hob was actually off.

Paranoia satisfied, he headed back out, yanking the front door open to find Chas standing there with her fist raised to knock on the door. He blinked at her. "Mum."

"Love," she said with one of her sheepish grins. "Hi. Not on your way out, are ya? I thought we could have a cuppa. I meant to come over last night, but it got really busy."

Aaron sighed. "Actually-"

"I mean if you you don't have fifteen minutes for your mum, that's fine," Chas said, making a face and shrugging,

Aaron rolled his eyes and stood back to let her in, shutting the door a little too hard. Chas went straight to the kitchen, lights on, kettle filled, plugged and switched on, before she turned around and offered Aaron a big smile.

Aaron gave her a look, snorting. "I'm fine."

Her smile fell away and finally the worry that had been stretching it all wrong was the only thing left on display. She tilted her head at him, offering a smile which was all sympathy now. "He was your little boy, love. How can you be fine?"

Aaron nodded slowly, and just like that the tears were falling. Chas rushed towards him, enveloping him tightly, her hand cupping the back of his head.

"Oh, love. I _know_."

Aaron sniffed against her shoulder, before pulling back and shaking his head. "No. It's fine, really. He looked good. Happy. So I don't get to be his dad, but as long as he's happy, that's all that matters."

Chas's eyes filled with tears as she stared at him. Shaking her head she said, "He'd be lucky to have you. He'd have the _best_ dad possible."

The kettle boiled and they moved to the dining table with their cups of tea, Aaron's scrapyard errands forgotten, jacket off and draped over the back of his chair.

"Did you talk to Robert?" Chas asked.

Aaron shrugged. "Not much to talk about, is there? It all just goes back Robert doing what he thinks was right. I'm not even allowed to be upset about it because he did it for me. He gave me a way out and I took it, while he had nothing."

"Is that...is that what he said?" Chas asked.

"Might as well have," Aaron said. "He's right and all. He sent those papers. I didn't have to do a thing with them. I could have shredded them. Sent them back with _coward_ written in massive letters on each page. But I signed them. I took the way out."

Chas shook her head. "Aaron, you had no choice. He cut you off. Fine, I understand why he did it, and you know, kudos to him for thinking about someone other than himself for a change. But however you look at it, he created the circumstances that made you sign those papers. You did nothing wrong, love. Do you remember sitting in the Woolpack after you decked Luke? Asking me to call Robert? Telling me how he'd just thrown you away like you were nothing? Remember?"

Aaron breathed in, biting down on his lip as he answered with a nod.

"He _knew_. He knew what it was going to do to you and went ahead and did it," Chas said. "So, the way I see it, he might as well have held your hand when you signed those papers."

 _But he didn't,_ Aaron thought _, he didn't._

*****

The phone was ringing again. Robert sighed and looked at it. Vic. Again. He poked the screen and answered with a terse, "What?"

"Robert! Where are ya?" Vic snapped.

"I told you I was going to stay over at a mate's," Robert said tiredly.

"Right. Only, you don't _have_ any mates," Vic said, an astute observer as ever.

"Well, maybe I went out looking for new mates," Robert said. "I just got out of prison, Vic. In case you're not aware, it wasn't exactly the best dating pool."

"Wait...you're saying you went out on the pull?"

"Yeah, might have," Robert said with a shrug.

"Rubbish," Vic said flatly. "If you think I'm going to buy that you must really think I'm an idiot."

Robert sighed heavily. "Vic. Look...I just need some time to myself, okay? I'll be home in a bit. Just...stop worrying."

"I can't," Vic said, sounding tearful. "Rob, I only just got you back. I can't lose ya again. Please...wherever you are, just come home."

"Yeah...yeah alright," Robert said. "Of course I will."

Vic sniffed. "Really?"

"Yeah. Yeah, of course," Robert said.

"Love you," Vic said quietly.

"Love you too," Robert said, feeling his voice shake for some unknown reason. He ended the call before Vic could say anything else, turning his phone completely off.

 _Come home,_ she had said. Robert took swig from his bottle and thought, _I am home. This was home._

**_*_ **

"So how is Ed taking all this?" Chas said as Aaron locked the door to the house.

"Like Ed," Aaron said, shoving his keys into his pocket and offering Chas a shrug.

"Did you tell him about Seb?" Chas asked.

Aaron nodded. "Yeah. He said he understood. But...he was all quiet last night. Went to bed early, and then left early this morning without a word."

Chas pulled a face, smiling in sympathy. "This can't be easy for him, love."

"I know," Aaron said with a sigh as they walked up the path, Aaron closing the gate behind him. "Look, I better get to the scrapyard. I'll see you later, Mum."

"Why don't you have your tea in the pub, tonight, eh?" Chas asked, giving his hand a squeeze. "You and Ed. Get some cuddles off Eve while you're there."

Aaron couldn't help but smile at the mention of Eve. "I'll see what Ed thinks."

Chas beamed at him, giving him a peck on the cheek before turning and heading towards the Woolpack.

"She looks happy."

Aaron turned to see Vic making her way towards him, looking a little tired and glum. Aaron frowned at her. "You alright?"

She let out a sigh. "Not really, no."

Aaron had a good idea why. Vic wasn't launching into what was wrong without any prodding, so what was wrong had to be Robert. "I don't know what he's told you-"

"Nothing," Vic said with a clenched look about her. "Because he hasn't come home yet. I called him and he said he was out on the pull."

Aaron's heart seemed to swing away from his chest and into the pit of his stomach for a moment. He shrugged it off. "Good for him."

"Oh grow up, will ya?" Vic said. "'Course he's not out on the pull. He's out there somewhere moping on his own. What happened yesterday? Did you say summat?"

Aaron shook his head, his jaw working against angry feelings that never seemed to go away. "No. Nothing I haven't tried to say to him already."

"Like?"

"The way he ended things. That it was _wrong._ Unfair. He doesn't want to hear it though. He was happy enough to throw it in my face though that I signed those papers and decided to move on."

"Why do you need him to hear it?" Vic asked quietly. Aaron swallowed, biting down on his lip. Vic shook her head. "Why does it matter so much?"

"He doesn't get it. He doesn't realise I would have gone anywhere, done anything for him," Aaron said, trapped in the same swirling confusion of years ago. "If he knew, we'd be together now, wouldn't we?"

"What if he knew and did it anyway?" Vic asked him gently. Aaron shook his head, the sting of tears sharp in his eyes. "What if he did it because he loves you and not because he doesn't know how much you love him?"

"Then... I can't forgive myself," Aaron said, the hand of guilt clutching his throat tight. "Can I? I could have waited anyway, but I didn't. I just...I just let go of him."

Vic shook her head. "You both had fourteen years of not seeing each other hanging over you. You weren't to know he'd be out so soon."

"Fourteen years, fourteen months," Aaron said. "What does it matter? Either way, there was no one there waiting for him when he got out. I should have been there for him and I wasn't."

Vic was quiet for a moment, just watching Aaron. Smiling, she said, "Well, he's out now. That's what matters. And he'll be fine. Once he gets home and I've had a good shout at him, he'll be fine. This is Robert we're talking about. He's strong."

"Yeah," Aaron said quietly, old arguments rattling around in his head, as loud as if they had happened yesterday. "Um, look, I gotta go, Vic. I'll see you later, yeah?"

"Right," Vic said with a hard blink as Aaron walked past her. "See ya then!"

Aaron headed towards the Mill, not questioning even for a second whether he was headed in the right direction.


	14. Chapter 14

Robert looked around at the state of the Mill. The place was gutted, smelling of damp and dirt, dust and fire, debris trickling in corners, burnt wood cracking, the sound of rodents scurrying. The only thing that still seemed sturdy was the staircase. 

Robert reached out for the railing, smiling to himself. He’d slipped on those steps plenty of times and kept it to himself. Aaron on the other hand, moaned every time he felt attacked personally attached.

“You’ll be sorry when that thing kills me,” Aaron had complained, standing in the kitchen looking dead serious. “Why can’t we have a normal staircase?”

“You have any idea how much space we’d lose?” Robert said, walking towards Aaron, smiling at that mardy expression on Aaron’s face.

Aaron scowled, holding up a hand and taking a step back. “Whoa. What’s this?”

Robert shrugged. “Liv’s out. We’re in. You look fit. What do you think it is?”

“Hang on,” Aaron said with a shake of his head, frowning and opening his mouth to continue his complaining.

Robert had grinned, stepping forward and grabbing Aaron by his hips, pulling him into a long indulgent kiss, long enough that Aaron went from standing there stiff with surprise to sliding his hands up Robert’s arms and leaning into him with clear interest.

Robert pulled back, grinning. “Why don’t we take this upstairs? If you’re worried about the stairs trying to kill you, I can always carry you in a fireman’s lift.”

Aaron’s cheeks pinked hard and fast, making that offended face he pulled even more delightful. “Shut up you.”

“Why don’t you make me?” Robert’s challenge was a soft invitation. He knew full well that Aaron could take his breath away with little effort. 

Up they’d gone, up these sturdy stairs. Robert could hear their laughter echoing in his ears as he looked up at the gaping ceiling. For a moment he imagined Katie standing there looking down, laughing. _You deserve this_ , she seemed to say, _you deserve this ruin._

“Robert?” Robert twisted around at the sound of Aaron’s voice. 

Aaron was looking at him with curiosity and something else. It was when his gaze flicked to the bottle on the floor that Robert noticed the edge of worry. 

He looked at the gutted living room and then back at Robert, quietly asking him, “What are you doing here? You shouldn’t be in here. It’s not safe.”

But here they both were finally. The two of them in their home. 

Robert frowned. “What are you doing here?”

Aaron was looking up at the gaping ceiling, before his attention turned to the ruined kitchen. Robert could see from his face that it hurt to see their home like this, it seemed to have shaken him. 

“Um...Vic was worried about ya,” Aaron said roughly. He swallowed, nodding. “I was passing and...saw the big Robert sized hole in the fence outside.”

Robert let out a surprised laugh. “Yeah?”

Aaron smiled, tentative and soft. “Yeah.”

Coward that he was, Robert looked away from Aaron’s smile, looking instead at the ruined sofa in front of him. You could still tell it had been a nice piece before fire and water transformed it into a messy chunk of nothing, mostly hidden under a pile of ceiling from above. Robert shook his head at the state of the place.

Aaron took a few more steps into the room, broken bits of the Mill crunching under his boots. He had his fists balled up in the pockets of his jacket, his shoulders hunched a little. The way his eyes moved around the room looked as though he was seeing things Robert couldn’t. 

“You alright?” Robert asked. 

Aaron hunched his shoulders tighter, turning towards Robert, nodding stiffly. “Yeah. Just...haven’t been back since...Looks worse than I remember.”

“Sorry,” Robert said quietly.

Aaron let out a nervous huff of air that was meant to be a laugh. “What for? You didn’t set fire to the place, did ya?”

“No, but I wish…” Robert started, trailing off and keeping back the words _I’d been there for you._

“What?” Aaron asked quietly, the corner of his mouth twisted sadly. “What do you wish?”

Robert’s gaze roaming across the burnt out corpse of their life together. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Matters to me,” Aaron said, his eyes shining, boring into Robert’s soul.

“I wish I’d been here,” Robert said quietly, wanting to feel, if only momentarily, the satisfaction of giving Aaron _something_. Smiling, he added, “You know me. Check the hob twenty times to make sure it’s off.”

Aaron laughed, the twinkle in his eye turning bright quickly, before being swatted away by his hand as he nodded. Aaron glanced at the whiskey bottle on the floor, still more than half-full, before looking back at Robert. “You gonna tell me what you’re doing here?”

“I just...wanted to remember,” Robert murmured. “I thought when I walk through that door, everything would just look the same. Maybe somehow everything would go back to how it was. Before I messed it all up. Like... _magic_.”

Aaron looked stricken by that answer, mouth opening slightly, but no words coming out. The look of him, it made Robert keenly aware, once again, that he had a knack for causing Aaron pain, even when he didn’t mean to. 

“What I said to you before,” Robert said, feeling guilt sticking hard in his throat. “About you signing those papers-”

“It doesn’t matter,” Aaron said with a sharp shake of his head, eyes glistening at the mere mention.

“Matters to me,” Robert said, feeling dangerously loose-lipped. “You know, you could have signed those papers after five months, five years, fifty years and it still would have felt like the world ending.”

“Robert-” Aaron started. 

Robert shook his head, stopping Aaron. “I meant what I said when I wrote to you, about giving you a clean break. I _wanted_ you to have a life. And I’m sorry I hurt you. In _all_ the ways I hurt you.”

Aaron made a sound, a strange little exhalation escaping him, his mouth turned down, quivering. Grimacing, he shook his head. “I should have waited. I should have...”

“Please. Don’t,” Robert said quietly. “I did what I thought was right. You did what you had to do. It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s in the past and I...I don’t want to think about the past anymore.”

Aaron nodded, sniffing and wiping away tears with the back of his hand. "You could have told me you were getting out though I could have been there for you...as a friend."

Robert nodded, looking away from Aaron’s penetrating gaze. "I know."

"So?" Aaron asked. "You got out and decided none of it mattered? Everything we had, all for nothing was it?"

"You know that's not what I think," Robert said firmly.

"Do I?" Aaron asked. His mouth turned down unhappily, his voice turning plaintive as he said, "Robert, you won't even talk to me."

"What would I talk to you about, eh?" Robert asked softly. "How I messed up our life? How sorry I am? You _know_ all that."

"Yeah, well, you could _listen_ ," Aaron said with a nod. "Because then I could tell you that you were _wrong_. Wrong to leave me behind. Wrong to give yourself up. I don’t care about your reasons. I would have gone _anywhere_ with you. You would have been enough. I’ve never needed more than just you, Robert. I _chose_ you."

Robert tried not to drown in Aaron’s watery earnest gaze, feeling a heavy slosh of sadness inside his chest. "I didn't want you to give up your life because of something I did. We can talk about it until the cows home, but it'll always be the same. I walked away because I love you, and I don't regret that choice. Not for a second."

Aaron nodded miserably. Wiping his eyes, Aaron said, “I _know_. But...but I still couldn’t stop thinking that maybe...maybe you didn’t love me the way I thought you did. I couldn’t see you. I couldn’t talk to you. I just kept thinking...you wouldn’t let go if you really loved me.”

“I could never stop loving you,” Robert said, pained that the thought had even entered Aaron’s head. “I never did. Not for a second since the first time I saw you. That’s not how I wanted you to feel. Just wanted you to be free to have the life you deserve. To be happy.”

Aaron nodded, replying thickly, “I know.”

Robert took a step towards Aaron, prompting him to look up. “I told you. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. To never forget how much I love you. Remember?”

Aaron nodded sadly, looking away from Robert. “I tried. But you weren’t there and...all I had were those thoughts in my head telling me I was stupid to ever think I’d get to keep ya. That I should have known one day you’d leave.”

“You’re wrong. I’d never leave you if I...” Robert stopped, cursing himself the second the words were out of his mouth, surprising Aaron too if the look in his eyes was anything to go by. Robert looked away. “I should get back. Before Vic sends out a search party.”

Aaron looked startled by the suggestion, stepping back as Robert began to make a move towards the door. Aaron called out, “Robert.”

Robert turned around and looked at Aaron who stood there looking adrift. “Yeah?”

It seemed Aaron had nothing to say as he just stood here looking at Robert. Finally, he angled his head towards the forgotten bottle of drink on the floor. “You can stay for one drink can’t ya?”

Robert took in the sight of Aaron, stood there in his standard black, just the right amount of stubble, and a small thicket of hair that made Robert’s fingers itch. _Walk away_ , Robert told himself, _walk away and let him have his life.  
_

“One drink,” Robert said, his heart objecting, _I want to stay_.

*

They ended up sitting side-by-side on the floor, leaning against the wall. It was a great vantage point from where to see the damage caused by the fire. Aaron felt fixated on it, the way fire and water had morphed their once beautiful home into this burnt out shell. 

He’d gone through the quick and dirty version of the story. He’d come home early from work purely by chance and seen the place going up in smoke. Aaron had run inside and found Liv passed out on the kitchen floor, getting her out just before the place really went up. That was that. 

Or at least, that was all Robert needed to know. 

Aaron picked up the bottle and took a generous swig, before plonking it back on the floor. “Gaming chairs went up fast. Dunno why I thought they were anti-flammable.”

From the corner of his eye, he noticed Robert’s head slowly turn. Aaron looked at him to find an incredulous expression on Robert’s face as he said, “Not when the whole place is on fire.”

Aaron spluttered out a laugh, letting his head tilt back and rest against the wall. He sobered immediately at the sight of the hole in the ceiling. “Can’t imagine someone fixing this place and living it in. Don’t seem right.”

“You could have just kept it,” Robert said. Aaron frowned at him and Robert elaborated, “I spoke to Liv. She said you sold up.”

“When did you talk to Liv?” Aaron asked, waiting for a pang of jealousy that his sister had spoken to Robert so recently, surprised when it never came. 

“Yesterday,” Robert said. “Said she misses you.”

“Yeah?” Aaron asked, receiving a nod. Aaron nodded back. “I miss her too.”

“You should probably call her and tell her that. The moody silent thing isn’t helping either of you,” Robert said. Aaron just stared at him, wondering where this all fit in, his ex telling him to call his own sister. Robert smiled at him and said, “She told me how you ran in here and saved her life. Can’t believe you let my Vespa lamp burn though.”

Aaron grinned and said, “Place wouldn’t have burned down if I hadn’t set fire to the lamp to begin with.”

“Wow, thanks,” Robert said, smiling all the same, before going all silent on Aaron. Though, he was definitely working his way up to something. Aaron could tell from the way his mouth seemed poised to talk as well as prepared to shut. “So...Ed seems alright.”

Aaron groaned, slapping a hand over his eyes. “I’m not talking to my ex-husband about my boyfriend.”

Robert let out a huffy little laugh. “I wasn’t going to ask for particulars. Just...saying he seems like a good bloke.”

Aaron pulled a face, Robert continuing to look amused by it. Sighing, Aaron finally said, “He is. He’s...he’s a great bloke.”

Robert jerked his head in a nod and picked up their now communal bottle, taking a gulp before holding it out for Aaron. Aaron shook his head and Robert replaced it on the floor. 

“Vic said you got together after the fire. I know he used to play rugby, he’s not a fireman too, is he?”

Aaron smiled. “ _No_. We met at the hospital. Liv was laid up for a week after the fire and he was visiting his uncle. He saw me laying into a coffee machine. Calmed me down. Bought me a KitKat.”

Robert grinned, a silent laugh making his frame jolt slightly, eyebrows climbing up into his hair. “Clearly knows the way to a bloke’s heart.”

Aaron rolled his eyes. “Funny.”

Robert was smiling so brightly at him, Aaron felt a little lost in the glare of his gaze, unable to look away. Robert’s words were a quiet murmur as he said, “He’s a lucky guy.”

Aaron wasn’t sure if Ed would agree, shrugging off the comment with, “So am I. After the way I left things with him in France, I never thought we’d even be friends again.”

“Because you came back to help Adam,” Robert said with a nod. They’d never discussed it at length, but Robert knew enough. Aaron nodded back. Robert smiled. “He’s smart. Knows he’s onto a good thing.”

Aaron looked away from Robert, pulling a face and shrugging. Aaron couldn’t see it, he couldn’t place himself in Ed’s mind and figure out why he was still here. Why he gave Aaron another chance. Aaron sighed and picked up the bottle, taking a generous swig, grimacing at the bitter burn as it went down, before handing the bottle to Robert who held it up in a toast before taking a swig himself. 

He put the bottle down by their feet, and gave Aaron a look. "Seb asked about you.”

Aaron looked at him, feeling a heart-swooping jolt of surprise. "Yeah?"

“You’re in at least a hundred photos with him, so yeah,” Robert said with a smile. “He wanted to know if you were going to visit. Maybe...maybe it’s something we could...something we can talk about, I mean, it’s not like you don’t spend half your time over at Vic’s looking after Harry anyway, from what she’s told me.”

Aaron nodded, swallowing against the tightening of his throat. “Maybe.”

“I should have told you,” Robert said with a nod, “about him visiting. I’m sorry I didn’t.”

“I get it, it’s fine-” Aaron said roughly.

“You were his dad,” Robert said. “His favourite dad.”

Aaron clamped his lips shut, nodding. He waited until his throat didn’t feel tight, weak, before telling Robert. “I saw him. Looks a bit more like you, only, you know, better behaved.”

Robert grinned, his eyes shining. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said, peering at Robert, pairing in his mind the image of Seb and all those pictures he’d see of Robert as a kid, all the similarities hitting him square in the chest. 

“He was saying all sorts,” Robert said, glowing with pride. “Here, look, drew all this on my cast.”

Robert showed Aaron his cast and the felt-tip scribbles on it that vaguely looked like figures. Aaron laughed at the sight of them, the feeling in his chest spreading like warm water.

“That little one’s Vic,” Robert said, pointing to a red figure. “And that blue one, the same size as Vic by the way, that’s Harry.”

Aaron laughed. “Brilliant.”

“Yeah. The really tall yellow guy, as you can guess is me.” Aaron grinned as Robert turned his arm slightly to point out a smaller yellow figure. “That’s Becs, obviously, big hat. Oh and that’s a train because trains are, quote, _brilliant._ ”

Aaron frowned, trying not to smile. “You think he might be hinting at what you can get him next time he’s over?”

“You know, I think he might,” Robert said.

They both ended up grinning like fools at each other until the grins faded, but the gazes remained locked. Aaron didn’t want to look away, or for Robert to look away either. 

Resting the back of his head against the wall and blinking heavily at Robert, Aaron said, "Do you ever think about what things might be like if we were still together?”

Robert seemed to think it over before nodding. “Now and then.”

“Do you think we’d still be here?” Aaron said, looking up at the ruined ceiling and the ruined bedroom beyond. 

Robert glanced at the same spot, before looking around the rest of the place, smiling a little. “Yeah. Still be here, telling Liv to stop leaving her things lying around. Having a go at you for falling asleep on the sofa instead of just going to bed when you’re tired.”

Aaron grinned at Robert. “Or you turning the heat up too high, and then sulking by wearing your jacket indoors if I just happened to ask you to turn it down a little.”

Robert looked a little shocked. “It’s open plan, it gets cold quickly! Not my fault Dingles don’t do temperature.”

“Such a big baby,” Aaron said with a shake of his head, laughing.

“I’m not,” Robert complained, grinning.

Aaron laughed, deep from his chest, deep from that place which hadn’t felt laughter like this in a long time. And Robert? He seemed to sound like the old Robert for a moment, seemed to look like him too, unburdened and happy. Aaron hoped, prayed to whoever listened to these things, that Robert might stay that way.

“I missed ya,” Aaron said quietly, his eyes fixed on Robert. He looked tired, clothes crumpled, hair limp and untamed. Aaron couldn’t stop drinking in the sight of him.

Robert’s gaze flicked up and down Aaron’s face. Exhaling slowly, he said, “I missed you.”

Somewhere out there in the unknown, Aaron thought _this_ could have been a moment where they both kissed and started over. This time it would be different. This time it would be perfect. With that same magic which made Robert think a burnt down house could still look the same as it once was, they’d get their dream of a bigger family, kids running around this very living room, the Sugden-Dingles living a mundane but happy life.

But Robert was looking at Aaron from miles away, as if he was on some other unreachable plane, and Aaron couldn’t stop thinking about that look in Ed’s eyes all those years ago, that sad realisation that Aaron would leave, no matter how much he promised things would be okay. Even now, Aaron couldn’t tell him enough times how much he loved Ed for Ed to believe him. 

Aaron looked away from Robert and a moment later, Robert’s gaze moved to something else.

They sat in silence for a bit, letting the Mill make its own strange dying sounds around them, before Aaron finally stood up with a sigh. “Come on. Time to get out of here before the rest of it falls on our heads.”

Robert tilted his head up, just watching Aaron for a moment, before slowly standing, looking around the Mill with a glassy-eyed gaze. Aaron wondered if he saw it too, the old Mill, the way it was when it was theirs. 

“You alright?” Aaron asked quietly, when Robert just seemed to disappear into his own head.

Robert smiled at Aaron, the smile not quite connecting with his eyes which told a whole different story about the state of his mind. Nodding, he said, “Time to go.”

Robert walked on ahead, Aaron following, looking back only once, remembering how he had stood there in the middle of that living room once and handed Robert his key and how certain he had been that he and Robert finally had their happy ever after.

Aaron mustered a smile at the memory, no matter how much it hurt, before he gently closed the door on it, letting ghosts of the past carry on inside the Mill, where they couldn’t be hurt by the future.


	15. Chapter 15

Robert grimaced as they walked away from the Mill, the noon sun sharp in his eyes and slicing straight through his head. He was walking carefully next to Aaron, feeling light-headed and tired, not to mention drink-fueled maudlin. Next to him, Aaron kept shooting him careful little looks, worry-wart that he was. 

“You been there all night then?” Aaron looked hilariously restrained when Robert knew he was trying not to pull a Chas-face of disappointment. Robert nodded. “Clever.”

“You going to start on me?” Robert asked with a small smile, holding up a hand to block the glare of the sun. 

“Don’t need to,” Aaron said. “Vic’ll be enough for you.”

“Thanks,” Robert said, enjoying the little pleased smile on Aaron’s face. They came to a stop outside Dale View. “Hope I didn't keep you from work. I know you’ve got the scrapyard and the garage now. Proper little businessman these days.”

“Hardly,” Aaron said, taking his phone out of his pocket and checking it. Sighing, he said, “Think I’ll head off to the scrapyard after lunch though. And a strong coffee.”

“Day drinking, not such a great idea,” Robert said. He angled his heavy head towards Vic’s. “Better go face the music.”

Aaron nodded, offering a small smile. He still looked flushed, his eyes pink, but he seemed lighter somehow. Or maybe that was just Robert. There had been a gut-twisting weight in his chest, heavy and grey and it seemed to have shifted slightly if not disappeared altogether. 

“I’ll see you,” Robert said quietly. 

“Will you?” Aaron asked, his voice a little rough. That little smile though, it was still lingering, soft and warm. 

Robert clamped his mouth shut as he thought his answer over carefully. Finally he decided on, “Yeah.”

Aaron shifted his gaze to the ground. Robert noticed a flicker of a smile before he looked back up and said, “Maybe next time you feel like sitting in a burnt down house and drinking on your own.”

“Maybe,” Robert said quietly.

“You don’t need to do this alone, Robert.” Robert frowned, pondering _this_. Aaron sucked on his bottom lip, his gaze briefly shifting from Robert. With a decisive nod he said, “Getting out. Being back here after...after everything. I know it’s not easy-”

“I’m fine,” Robert said, a little more curt and quick than he intended, Aaron looking at him first with surprise and then with something like resignation. “ _Seriously_.”

“So…” Aaron said, pretending to ponder as Robert sighed, rolling his eyes. “You were just enjoying the scenery last night, were you?”

The question came with a little quirk of the corner of Aaron’s mouth, his version of some kind of _you-can’t-fool-me_. 

Robert shrugged. “It used to be my home. I needed to see it, to move on.”

“With a little drink,” Aaron said, nodding. 

“Celebrating my freedom,” Robert said. This time Aaron rolled his eyes. Robert smiled. “You don’t need to worry about me. I’m not your problem anymore.”

Aaron said nothing, chewing on the inside of his lip as he tilted his head slightly, just looking at Robert. He reached out towards the gate to his house, pushing it slightly. Not one to let anything go, he said, “Well, I know you. Better than you think.”

Robert stared at him. He’d forgotten what it was to have someone who knew him the way Aaron knew him, cared the way he cared. He barely believed himself when he answered with a useless, “I’m fine.”

Aaron sighed, nodding, his eyes flicking up and down as he looked at Robert. “Try to get some sleep, yeah?”

Robert’s head jerked in a nod that never really made it. He suddenly felt bone tired, his gaze drifting somewhere past Aaron as he thought of sleepless nights and intrusive dreams, the way his back itched wherever he went with that feeling of being watched, of being followed. The way whispers and noises dragged his mind back into inescapable concrete corners. 

“Rob?” Robert snapped out of his thoughts to see Aaron watching him with a concerned frown. “You okay?”

“Tired.” Robert offered a smile that felt all wrong. “Think I’ll follow your advice actually.”

Aaron smiled. “Be a first.”

Robert snorted, shaking his head. Taking a long look at Aaron, Robert said, “I’ll let you get on.”

Aaron nodded back. “See you later.”

“See you,” Robert told him, filling with regret even at the mere act of turning and walking away from Aaron.

He dragged his feet all the way to Keeper’s, the sleepless night and the whiskey doing its work. Once the door was shut, he just stood there leaning against it, the future hanging heavy in front of him again. He couldn’t see where he was going. There was almost too much life to live ahead of him without...all those things he’d lost. 

“Finally!” Vic yelled from the living room. “You had me dead worried! What are you playing at?”

She stopped in her tracks when she saw him. He didn’t know if she could smell only the booze, or if she could smell the Mill on him too. His head was full of the smell of long gone smoke. He knew he looked a state, his hair lank from the number of times he had run his fingers through it. Not that he’d taken much care of it since leaving prison. 

“Robert,” Vic said quietly. “Where were you?”

“The Mill,” he said, his voice thick in his throat. “It’s all gone, Vic. Everything’s gone.”

“Robert,” Vic said, moving towards him and hugging him tight. He held onto her. At least he had her and Harry, at least he still had something to hold onto. 

*****

Aaron walked in feeling exhausted. His head was aching with alcohol and lack of sleep and the smell of the Mill was all over him, the taste of smoke at the back of his throat turning his stomach. He looked around the living room, a trick of the mind making him see flames where there shouldn’t have been. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, squeezing the bridge of his nose. 

When he felt a little steadier, Aaron pulled out his phone. There were two messages from his mum, one asking him to remember to come over for tea and another with a little video of Eve gleefully smacking paint-covered hands onto a sheet of paper and then giggling at the effect. Aaron grinned, immediately feeling unburdened. _So cute_ , he texted back, receiving all too quickly a string of hearts in reply, which made him smile.

Aaron took off his jacket, casting off with it the illusion that he was going anywhere near work today. He’d just have to be happy in the knowledge that if the scrapyard imploded, someone would phone to let him know. He went to the kitchen, downing a glass of water before putting the kettle on. Aaron tried not to let his mind wander as he waited for the water to boil, but wander it did, through the past, through the present, through fire, through water. Through everything he didn’t want to think about.

The kettle boiled and clicked off. Aaron ignored it, looking instead through his contacts list on his phone, thumb hovering before it finally pressed down on the screen. Only seconds later, Liv answered with a surprised, “Aaron. Is everything okay?”

Aaron smiled. “Yeah, I just wanted to call you.”

“Oh,” Liv said. Her voice went distant for a moment as she spoke to someone.

“You not busy, are ya?” Aaron asked.

“No, just off to lunch with my friends. I’ll catch up with them,” she said. 

They exchanged mundane pleasantries for a bit, Aaron asking about university, Liv asking about Aaron’s work, about the house. Then came a gentle lull in conversation. 

Aaron broke it with, “So, you talked to Robert then.”

“Um...yeah. Yeah, he called me yesterday,” Liv said. “Told me about Seb visiting. He felt really bad about upsetting ya.”

“Yeah?” Aaron said absently. 

“Yeah,” Liv said. Aaron felt a deep pang of regret. Robert had nothing to feel bad about. Nothing at all, Aaron thought with such depth and strength that it surprised him into silence, which Liv broke by asking, “Aaron...are you alright?”

Aaron pulled a face, feeling his chin tighten and quiver. “Yeah. I just...I really miss ya.”

“I miss you too,” Liv said quietly. 

“Yeah?” Aaron said smiling at that. “I thought...I thought you were angry at me or-”

“ _No_ ,” Liv said, sounding appalled, which was somewhat comforting. “Of course not.”

Aaron nodded, letting out a small wet laugh of relief. “Haven’t seen you in ages. It just made me think, maybe I did something. Maybe I let you down.”

“Aaron,” Liv said, her voice almost a whisper. “You didn’t. You didn’t let me down. I just...you know, need to figure my life out. And it’s hard doing that in the village, seeing the Mill, remembering how things used to be, the home we had. You, me, Seb. Robert. It’s really _hard_. And...I just need some space. 

"I...I get it. I do understand, you know?” Aaron said, prodding the corner of his eye with his fingers. “What we had, you, me, Robert and Seb, it was special. I know it hurts not to have it anymore, but...you and me, we still have each other, don't we?"

"Yeah. Yeah, we do." Aaron nodded, feeling the clench of emotions around his throat and all the way into his gut. "It was nice hearing from Robert though. And weird. It felt like all those times he’d turn up and tell me not to worry about something, that it would be okay. Making his stupid jokes. I felt so happy it made me sad.”

Aaron took a deep breath that shook in his chest. Aaron knew to well what she meant. Robert was the fixer of things. No matter how good he was at destroying his own life. He was the one who always took charge and said, _right, we’re going to sort this_. He was so easy to believe. Aaron would have been surprised by what Liv said if he hadn't felt it himself on so many occasions that Robert just somehow knew how to make things better.

“You still there?” Liv asked softly.

“Hmm. What else did you talk about?” Aaron asked. “Did he say anything about how he’s doing?”

“No,” Liv said. “Pretty sure he’d rather not talk about it. Did he say anything to you?”

“He said he’s fine,” Aaron said. “Robert-speak for _leave me alone_. I found him camped out in the Mill this morning. He’d been there all night. His version of fine.”

“What was he doing there?”

“Said he needed to see the place to let go,” Aaron said, which undeniably stabbed Aaron in the middle of his chest.

“He was asking about the fire when I talked to him,” Liv said. 

Aaron tensed. “What did you say?”

“That you saved my life. Don’t worry, left out the part where you ran into the Mill because of him,” Liv said, sounding amused. “Actually, I kind of owe him.”

Aaron was quiet, trying not to think back to that day. Trying to ignore the acrid smell of smoke in his nose. 

“How's Ed doing with all this?” Liv asked when Aaron remained quiet. "You know, Robert being back and all."

“Better than me if his ex-husband turned up out of prison,” Aaron said blandly. He scowled, shaking his head, “I don’t know what I’d without him.”

“Get married a third time?” Liv said with a snort.

Aaron rolled his eyes. “Funny.”

“What? It’s true. If Ed wasn’t around, you and Robert would probably be engaged by now,” Liv said. “Chas would probably force you to have the ceremony in the beer garden.”

“Well, that’s not going to happen, is it?” Aaron said. “I’m with Ed and as for Robert, he can barely stand to be in the same room as me for more than two minutes.”

“Don’t make me say it, Aaron,” Liv said. “I’d just feel stupid stating the obvious.”

“Right,” Aaron said with a nod. “What do you suggest then? Maybe I can call Ed and say, sorry, mate, change of plan, I’ve decided to hook up with my ex. Then I can nip over to see Robert and tell him, here, why don’t we give it another go? Even though we’ve done this enough times to know that me and him will always end badly.”

“Aaron-”

“ _Liv_ ,” Aaron said, taking a deep breath. “I can’t do it to him again. _I can’t_.”

“Do what?” Liv asked quietly. 

Aaron swallowed, assaulted by memories of Ed looking at him with disappointment, knowing Aaron would leave him for Adam, heartbreak written across his face. Memories of Robert standing before Aaron, telling him he’d rather never have Aaron again if it meant losing him. It was obvious to him what was meant to be, and what wasn’t. What was meant to be was already in place. What wasn’t meant to be, it would always crash and burn eventually. 

“Do you know what Ed told me?” Aaron said quietly. “He said when he saw me in the hospital he forgot how angry he’d been at me for walking out on him. All he remembered was how much he’d loved me. How much he _still_ loved me.”

“Aaron, that doesn’t mean-”

“I was falling apart, Liv,” Aaron grated out. “I kept thinking, if I hadn’t run into the Mill, if I hadn’t seen you, I would have lost ya too. He put me back together. He was there when I really needed someone. And I love him. I _need_ him. Me and Robert? We’re not good for each other. We’re not...we’re not some love story.”

“You ran into a burning house for a man who wasn’t there,” Liv said quietly. “What is that?”

"Messed up,” Aaron said, thinking back to that moment of madness. 

“You’d still be together if it weren’t for what happened,” Liv said. “Be arguing about dishes in the sink, shoes on the floor. Running around after a little rugrat.”

“But it happened,” Aaron said quietly. “Can’t change that.”

“No, you can’t change what happened. Only what happens next.” Aaron shook his head, smiling. Liv must have heard him chuckle and said, “What?”

“You,” he said. “Right little clever-clogs these days.”

“These days? Thanks a lot,” she said with a snort. Aaron frowned at the curious thought _just like Robert_. But then, he’d been her brother too once, hadn’t he? She could do worse than be just a little like him. 

In the distance it sounded like someone was calling Liv. Aaron asked her. “Do you have to go?”

Liv was quiet for a moment, before responding, “Nah. They can wait. No lectures this afternoon anyway. So, did you see that video of Eve Chas sent? How cute was that?”

*****

“Robert? _Robert._ ” Robert pulled down the woolly blanket he’d been using to cover himself from head to chest, his body awkwardly curled on Vic’s sofa. He frowned at her, sighing heavily. “Why don’t you go sleep upstairs? You’re about a foot too long for this sofa.”

Robert didn’t tell her that going upstairs to sleep in a box room about the same size as his prison cell in the middle of the afternoon felt like the most depressing idea imaginable. 

“I’m done sleeping,” he said, shifting onto his back.

Vic angled her head as she looked down at him. “You’ve barely slept at all. You look terrible.”

“Thanks, sis,” he snorted.

“I’m serious,” she said. “What were you doing there all night, you idiot?”

He shrugged. “Just needed to see it for myself. Someone’s probably going to refurbish it into some boring rustic country cottage. I can imagine it now. What a waste.”

Vic smiled. “Well, you could always decorate it if you have enough money lying around.”

“It’s not for sale,” Robert said. Vic stared at him with wide-eyed surprise.

“Um, and how would you know that?” Vic asked unnecessarily. “Forget that, do you actually have that kind of money?”

“Due a big payout as it happens,” Robert said. “Not to mention the haulage business has been doing well. I might actually sell my stake in it to Jimmy. He seemed pretty keen on the idea.”

“And do what?” Vic asked. 

“Don’t know,” Robert said with a shrug. “Maybe you and I could go into business. You can put that course of yours to use. We could open a little restaurant. Something up market.”

Vic grinned at him. “Don’t know. Sounds a bit boring for you.”

Robert stared up at the ceiling and sighed. “Due a bit of boring.”

Vic gave him a sympathetic look before sitting down at the dining table which was littered with her books and notes. She picked up a pen, clicking it over and over as she peered at a textbook. “Well, you don’t have to think about it just yet. You’ve got time.”

“I suppose,” Robert said quietly, musing what the future might look like, and once again coming up empty. He had time. Almost too much time.

“So...you going to tell me what you and Aaron talked about?” Vic asked, clearly not that focused on whatever was looking at in her book.

Robert peered at her, mulling over all the things that were said and not said. “Same old. He’s annoyed. I’m sorry. Nothing much changes.”

Vic looked at him, long and hard. “He loves you. You love him back. Pretty much the least surprising non-turn of events, I’d say.”

Robert snorted, grabbing a cushion wedged between his hip and the sofa, hugging it as he mulled over Vic’s least surprising observation. 

“Met Ed yesterday,” Robert muttered. “Loves himself a bit. Walking around like...some Greek god.” 

Vic had an insufferably big grin on her face. Robert rolled his eyes as she said, “I think you mean, _Nubian_ god. He's a beautiful man. You could cut glass on them cheekbones.”

“Really? Why don’t you just marry him then?” Robert said. “Seems to have a thing for short gobby types.”

Vic’s mouth fell open, with delight rather than shock. Robert sank down further into the sofa, covering his eyes with his hand.

“I spy with my little eye, something beginning with green-eyed monster,” Vic said.

“Pretty sure you messed _that_ up,” Robert told her. “Good luck with your exams.”

“Um, _rude_. Also? There’s no point deciding Aaron’s better off with someone else and then getting stroppy about it, you know.” Vic got up, grabbing Robert’s hand so he could see her standing over him. “You can still be his friend, you know? What do you think is going to happen? He’s going to get down on one knee and propose? That irresistible are ya?”

“Which one of us has been married three times?” Robert said. Vic scowled at him, unable to present a response. “I rest my case.”

Vic grabbed the cushion he’d been holding and smacked him in the face with it, before returning to her studying.

“Mature,” Robert said, sticking the cushion under his head. Sighing, he said, “I’ve gotta give it to him though. If I was him, I probably would have got me out of the way by now.”

Robert looked at Vic to find her grinning and looking far too pleased. 

He shook his head. “What?”

“Nothing," she said with a shrug. "Except...well, since you got here this is the first time it’s felt like I’m talking to the old Robert.”

Normal was what she meant. That was what Aaron had made him feel, even whilst sitting in the burnt out shell of the home they once shared. That was what Aaron made him feel in a million imagined conversations in the confines of his cell. He’d sit there and stare at a blank wall, imagine Aaron by his side.

 _I miss you_ , he’d think. 

If he kept his eyes trained ahead until the wall became a blur, he could feel on his cheek the warmth of Aaron’s breath, he could hear the gravel in his voice.

_I love ya. I mean it. I love you._

“Rob?” Vic’s voice burst the bubble of Robert's musings. He looked at her and saw he’d made her sad again. “You keep doing that. Disappearing into your head.”

“Just...enjoying the space,” Robert said absently, remembering to smile. 

“Robert...you know you can talk to me, don’t ya?” Vic said, looking worried, her work forgotten. “About anything.”

Robert sat up, nodding. “Okay. Let’s talk.”

Vic looked surprised, turning to face him properly. “Okay. Go on.”

“Tell me something about Harry," Robert said. "Something funny."

Vic sighed, deflating a little. Then giving him a sly look and smile, she said, “Actually, there is this one story, but it’s also a little disgusting. But Diane was there and her reaction was _everything_.”

Robert grinned. “I’m listening.”


	16. Chapter 16

**G A M E O V E R**

Aaron wasn’t sure how long he’d been staring at the screen, the controller loosely cradled in his hands, gaze fixed ahead. He'd managed a bit of lackluster gaming after firing off a few texts to Cain and calling the scrapyard. Presently his mind was miles away, over at Wylies farm, stuck in the past, Robert standing before him, all dressed up for his wedding, but nowhere near his bride. 

_I love you.  
_

Those words still tasted bitter in his mouth, laced with fear and anxiety.

_And I know you love me too._

Aaron had never been more certain of anything in his life. How strange it had been then, that the more he loved Robert and the more Robert said he loved Aaron, that certainty became brittle and fragile, cracking and breaking as the months went on.

 _I want you to love me and no one else_ , Aaron had desperately told Robert. He was so afraid of losing Robert, and then lost him anyway. He’d thought about it over and over in Ireland, devastated and heartbroken, that he’d always known he’d lose Robert and it had happened. He’d known and he hadn’t been able to stop it. 

But that mess never stopped him from ending it with Alex, did it? He’d marched up to Keeper’s Cottage, deciding all that mattered about the past was how Robert had been there for him, not how he had let Aaron down. If a bloke you loved saved your life twice, maybe he was owed more than a few chances to get things right. 

“I don’t want to hurt you, Aaron,” Robert said as they lay in bed, reconciled and fearfully happy.

“You won’t,” Aaron had replied, believing Robert with all his soul. Even so, Aaron told him, “Or maybe...maybe you will. Maybe we’ll just keep messing up until we can’t anymore. But we’ll try not to. We’ll talk things over instead of, I dunno, doing things behind each other’s backs, or bottling things up. Just...let’s just be honest with each other. Do you think we can do that?”

Robert had smiled and said, “Yeah. I think we can manage that.”

And that should have been that.

They could get through anything as long as they had each other. _Anything_. Only, Aaron had found himself on the side of a road watching Robert being taken from him, leaving him alone, leaving him without the one person who knew how to make everything better. 

Aaron squeezed his eyes shut against the memory of Robert’s voice down the phone line. Aaron had been in pieces. He couldn’t bear to think of it even now, even with the time that had passed. That moment, knowing Robert was lost to him, it made his stomach roll. Aaron clenched his jaw, shaking his head. 

Everything was fine now, he told himself. It was okay. Robert wasn’t in prison and... _god_ , the relief was like a clean breeze blowing through Aaron’s lungs. He blew out a breath, sinking down on the sofa, reminding himself that Robert had twelve years of freedom ahead of him now. A chance to be happy. 

Even if it was with someone else. Which was...fine. It was fine.

Aaron had been certain after all that he could never be happy with anyone else. _Ed's different,_ something scratched at the back of his mind. Was he? If there hadn’t been Ed, surely someone else might have found a place in Aaron’s heart...

Aaron glared at the TV, watching the thick red letters spelling out _GAME OVER_ still flashing and asking him to make a move. 

The front door opened and shut, Aaron twisting around to see Ed walking in. He stopped under Aaron’s gaze for a second before putting down his rucksack and continuing slowly towards the couch. He didn’t sit down, just looming there and frowning at the TV.

“You’re home early,” he said. 

Aaron straightened out of his cross-legged perch on the sofa. “Uh, yeah. I decided to sack off work. Head was banging.”

Ed nodded. “Not surprised, you went to bed pretty late. How is it now?”

“Better,” Aaron said with a nod. 

Ed smiled, nodding towards the TV. “I can tell.”

Aaron rolled his eyes, putting the controller aside and telling Ed, “Actually, it gave me a chance to catch up with Liv.”

Ed looked surprised, sitting down next to Aaron. “Yeah? How is she?”

“Good,” Aaron said. “Said she missed me. I told her I missed her too. You know, soppy stuff.”

“That’s good,” Ed said, looking pleased, reaching out and squeezing Aaron’s knee. “So, are we going to see her anytime soon then?”

Aaron made a face, covering Ed’s hand with his own, their hands shifting until their fingers slotted together. “I think it’s still a little tough on her, what happened with the Mill. But...she sounded happy, you know, with her studies, her friends.”

Ed looked pleased. “I told you, you just need to talk to her. What made you finally do it?”

Aaron offered up an unsteady smile. “I just thought it was time. You’ve probably had enough of me moping about the place, not doing anything about it. Must be fed up. You _look_ fed up.”

“No,” Ed said, but with a breath of hesitance as if there was something he was holding back.

"But?" Aaron asked.

"But nothing," Ed said, shaking his head. "I...I've just been thinking about stuff.”

Aaron frowned. “Like what?”

Ed looked reluctant, shaking his head. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it does,” Aaron said. Ed still looked reluctant. " _Hey_. It matters to me."

Ed looked at him, the dark warmth of his eyes turned full on Aaron. His voice was soft as his gaze when he said, "Us. I've been thinking about us. A lot."

"Right," Aaron said. "What...what about us?"

“Where we're going. Where we've been. About...when you left. Been thinking about that a bit. How I hit rock bottom. How long it took to move on. Or at least, I thought I did until you called me up that time out of the blue, asking me if you could come stay with me. I should have slammed the phone down on you. But...I realised that I _wanted_ to see you more than how angry I was. When you texted and said things had changed, you didn't have to get away after all, I was so gutted.”

Aaron nodded, swallowing hard, guilt curdling his insides.

“Then I saw you at the hospital,” Ed said quietly. “Standing there, looking a wreck. It felt so unfair. I should have been angry, but all I could do was look at you, wishing... I walked away, you know? I walked away because...I knew it was a bad idea not to.”

Aaron frowned. “You saw me before...?”

Ed nodded. “I heard Chas in the coffee shop. Followed her and found you. I wanted to talk to you so badly. But, there was this little voice in my head that said, _'don’t_ , _because that bloke stomped on your heart, mate'_.”

Aaron shook his head, looking away, “I’m sorry.”

“Aaron,” Ed said quietly. “I’m not asking for any apologies. We’ve done all that. Besides, I knew what I was doing when I stopped you from smashing up that vending machine. I knew what I was doing when I sat talking to you. I kept telling myself I was just comforting someone I used to care about, but…”

Ed sighed, looking frustrated. Aaron asked him, “But what?”

“I never stopped loving you, did I?” Ed said quietly. He shook his head, his gaze becoming bright. “When I saw you again, I thought maybe...maybe this is meant to be. Does that sound mad?”

Aaron stared at Ed, thank back to their first kiss, the way Ed had lit a spark of hope in Aaron's heart after Jackson. He’d moved so softly through Aaron’s walls, managing to coax him out beyond them. He’d made Aaron feel wanted, confident in his own body, confident with his own desires, not like some floundering fledgling trying to get something right. That time in France, where he had nothing to prove to anyone, Ed had somehow unknowingly taught Aaron to alright with being himself by doing no more than loving him.

He remembered seeing Ed after the fire, the way his heart seemed to stop. Aaron’s fist had smashed against unyielding glass, someone grabbing his shoulder and pulling him around hard. Aaron’s fist was raised and ready to strike, stopping only when he saw Ed standing before him, looking so different, yet somehow looking the same. 

“Go on then,” Ed said, nodding to the raised fist. “If it’ll stop you taking it out on hospital property.”

Aaron lowered his hand, felt all the energy drain from him, his vision swimming with tears. It seemed unreal that Ed was standing before him. Aaron went to Ed without resistance, pulled into a hug, Ed telling him, “Come on then, give us a hug, Dingle.”

“What are you doing here?” Aaron had asked him later, under the scrutiny of nearby cleaning lady. Ed smiled in her direction and told Aaron, “Long story.”

"Well, I'm not exactly busy," Aaron replied sullenly.

Ed turned to look Aaron, his gaze falling on the fresh bandage around Aaron's arm, new scars forming on top of old ones as they spoke. Ed nodded towards it. "What d'you do to yourself?"

" _I_ didn't do anything," Aaron snapped. "There was a fire-"

Aaron couldn't go on, because Liv was still in ICU and the Mill was probably ashes by now. And Robert...he needed Robert so much it hurt.

Ed slowly pushed Aaron's cup of tea towards him, prodding the untouched chocolate near it, quietly telling Aaron, "Go on, drink that. You'll feel better. Then we'll make our way back to the ward. Okay?"

“You don’t have to do that,” Aaron said, frowning at Ed for the kindness he didn't deserve.

“Just protecting all the vending machines between here and there,” Ed said with a small smile. 

Aaron had smiled too, feeling momentarily anchored. He still spent that night worrying about Liv and thinking of Robert. But had thought about Ed too. Why Ed was here, why now? How was it even possible? He and Robert fought so hard to find their way to each other, and here Ed was when he should have been somewhere else. 

Aaron shifted where he sat, facing Ed properly. “It's not mad at all. This...us, all just sort of happened. We didn’t even have to try. So maybe someone else _was_ pulling the strings. Maybe you're right. Doesn't surprise me, you do that a lot, you know, being right.”

Ed grinned, nodding in agreement. He looked at their joined hands, “No comment.”

Aaron stood up, holding onto Ed's hand as he did. Ed smiled when Aaron gave his hand a tug, taking the hint and standing too.

“We’ve got time before tea,” Aaron said quietly. He angled his head towards the stairs. “Let me show you how much I missed you today.”

*****

Harry was sitting inside a circle of his toys and books, methodically putting them into some kind of Harry order, whilst keeping up an ongoing narration that was only partially understandable. Robert was supposed to be keeping an eye on him from the sofa, his attention divided between Harry, the TV, Vic pottering about the kitchen getting tea ready and continuing a conversation with Robert that Robert had lost track of a while back.

Robert angled his head as he watched Harry, smiling. As much as he didn't want to delve into regret, there was no way to not think of Seb with Harry right there. Robert wondered how long it would sting, all the time missed. Not just time missed with Seb, time missed being a parent alongside Aaron, both of them being fathers to a son together. They would never get that time back. 

And what about the kid that never happened? He and Aaron had celebrated her being in their lives for those few days where she was a possibility. It could have been yesterday, Robert suggesting the surrogacy get restarted. Aaron had looked skeptical, but about twenty minutes later he lay in bed next to Robert, panting and flushed, smiling a little smile in some quiet bubble of contentment. 

Robert had sighed, drinking him as he tucked one arm under his head, and used the other to reach out and push his fingers through Aaron’s hair. “Happy?”

Aaron nodded, sobering just a little. “Yeah. Weird, innit? We’ve got this...big thing hanging over us and-”

“You can still be happy,” Robert said with a smile.

Aaron rolled onto his side, shaking his head. He propped himself up on an elbow, reaching out and cupping Robert’s face. “You still know how to make me happy.”

Robert’s heart sank at that remark, because he was going to take it all away. It seemed inevitable no matter how much he tried to ignore it. Robert turned his face into Aaron's palm, pressing a kiss there.

Looking back at Aaron he said, “Well, gotta make up for time we might not get.”

“Don’t,” Aaron said, eyes tearing up in no time. _Soft lad_ , Robert though. “We’ll...we’ll figure it out when we get there, yeah? Let’s...just be happy for five minutes?”

Robert cursed himself, shifting and holding out his arms for Aaron. “Yeah, ‘course. Hey...come here.”

Aaron covered him and held him tight and Robert had for a second thought about lying in a prison cot, no one to hold, no one to hold him. So he held Aaron tighter, squeezed his eyes shut and thought of a future, a year or two maybe down the line, him and Aaron, a little rugrat running about, Seb being all over protective of his new brother or sister, Liv grinning at the new addition to their family.

He closed his eyes and he willed it so hard. No one listened to his prayers. It wasn't a huge surprise. When had praying ever worked?

“You alright?” Robert looked at Vic, staring at him from the end of the sofa. She frowned and said, “You still look really peaky. Serves you right for staying up all night drinking.”

Harry took this as his cue to bring Robert a purple two-handled cup. “Are you... _f_ thirsty?”

Robert took the cup, scooping Harry up with his good arm and plonking him down on the sofa. He took a sip of some awful grape-water and hummed. “Not anymore. Thanks, buddy. Nice of someone to offer. Unlike mummy who just likes a little moan.”

“Nice,” Vic said as Harry grinned his toothy little grin and immediately slipped off the sofa, running back to his circle of mayhem, leaving Robert with the cup. 

Robert held up the cup for Vic. “Couldn’t get us a top up, could you?”

“Uh, _no_ ,” Vic said. “But you could maybe lay the table and help out with tea.”

“I’m watching, Harry,” Robert said with a shrug, taking another sip just for good measure. Vic snatched the cup away and pointed at the dining table. 

Robert rolled his eyes and got up, clearing away her thick textbooks and shutting her little laptop, assaulted by a memory of doing the same for Liv when she’d go off mid-study to talk to Gabby on the phone, Aaron muttering about badly timed phone calls in the background. That life, that existence had surprised him with its fullness, having been a someone who always thought the ultimate happiness would arrive when he’d never have to worry about money. 

He’d been so wrong. Ultimate happiness cost nothing and yet couldn’t be bought with all the money in the world. 

*****

They’d arrived at the Woolpack not only on time, but with matching smiles. Ed seemed much more chipper and it made Aaron breathe a little easier. Especially since he knew his mum would be watching them like a hawk, trying to figure Aaron out on the scale that went from functional to falling apart. He could do without all that. He just wanted a night of food and drink, Ed by his side, family around him and no thinking about anything else.

“So, Chas told me about Seb,” Paddy said discreetly, sat next to Aaron, popping that peace bubble fairly quick. Aaron watched Chas and Ed on the sofa, Eve playing between them as they chatted. “You alright?”

Aaron shrugged. “Can’t change much by not being alright.”

“Right. That is one way of looking at it,” Paddy said with a frown.

Aaron sighed. “Paddy. Yeah, it hurts, how things are, but...there's not much I can do. So, I’m just trying to move on here. Get on with me life. That alright with you?"

Paddy held up a hand in surrender. “Just worried about you, mate, that’s all.”

Aaron smiled. “I know. But I’m fine. Really, I am.”

Chas, not one to leave well enough alone, joined Paddy and Aaron at the dining table. Smiling widely she said, “What are you two whispering about then?”

"We were just watching Eve teaching Ed to read," Aaron said loudly for Ed to hear.

"Yeah, and then later I can pass it on to you," Ed said with a grin as Eve grabbed his hand, urging him to turn the page of the book in his lap.

"Oh, look at her will you," Chas said with a smile, telling Ed, "She loves you, she does. Me and Paddy are like chopped liver when you're around."

"That right, Eve? You like our Ed, do ya?" Aaron asked.

Eve looked up and offered a hard nod with her little grin. Looking at Ed she said in her softly spoken voice, “I like it when you read.”

Aaron looked at his mum, finding her sat with her hands clasped together and held against her chest. “Seriously, you both need to get your act together. I need a wedding and I need a couple of grandchildren, sooner rather than later, so Eve can have some little playmates.”

“ _Mum_ ,” Aaron said, appalled. Ed looked a little gobsmacked and laughed.

“ _What?_ ” Chas said. “You’ve both moved in together, so what are you waiting for?”

“Well, him, actually,” Ed said dryly but without any real heat. Aaron looked at him, rolling his eyes. 

His mum made a little high-pitched sound. “See? Look at you two. _And_ if you’re married you can get started finding a surrogate and who knows, in a year you could have your own little Eve.”

Aaron laughed, looking at Paddy with a _is she alright_ scowl. Paddy grinned. “Blimey.”

Ed looked a little taken aback despite the smile on his face. “Well, we haven’t really talked about kids. Sounds a bit intense, if I'm honest.”

Ed turned another page, distracted by Eve’s gentle questions, Aaron staring at him in silence. He stopped when he felt Paddy prod his arm. He turned to look at his mum who had _that_ look of worry, the one that made her do stupid things. 

Smiling awkwardly, she said, “Well, maybe not yet. In a few years, eh? I mean, obviously you’ll want one or two at some point."

Aaron glared at her before looking Ed who was watching him with a smile, telling Chas, "Um, I think we're kind of alright the way we are. I know I have everything I want.”

Aaron mustered a smile, nodding stiffly before finishing his bottle of beer, Paddy chattering on about something before awkward silence could take root. Aaron tried to avoid the glances his mum kept throwing him when she cleared away the table, Ed and Paddy talking about something that couldn’t quite penetrate Aaron’s head. As they left, Chas hugged him tight, telling him she’d call him in the morning, which was fine because his phone would be turned off. He couldn’t get out quick enough, burning up for some cool air.

“You okay? You've gone all quiet," Ed asked once they were out and walking.

Aaron nodded. "Yeah. Just thinking about me mum going on. You...didn't mind all that, did you? That stuff about babies."

Ed smiled. "People with babies think everyone should have babies. I get it. My sister's the same."

"Yeah?" Aaron said. "What do you tell her?"

Ed shrugged. "The truth. Not everyone wants kids and I can't see how having kids would make my life better than it is. Like I said, I have everything I want."

Aaron mustered a smile, nodding, willing his insides to stop twisting themselves into grief-stricken knots.

Ed reached out, stroking a hand up and down Aaron's back. "You sure you're okay?"

“Just need to catch up on my sleep properly," Aaron said.

Ed slipped an arm around Aaron’s shoulders and they carried on home, Aaron’s gaze distracted by the warmly lit windows of Keeper’s Cottage. 


	17. Chapter 17

Aaron could hear a constant high-pitched wailing. It was coming from inside the house. Aaron sat up, looking back at the lump under the covers. Slipping out of bed, he quietly made his way down the stairs, cold metal under his feet. Aaron frowned as he stood at the foot of the stairs. There was a lamplight flickering from somewhere behind them, dim and yellow, not spreading too far, just enough that Aaron could see into the kitchen. 

He looked at a small basked on the kitchen table, the sound of a baby crying coming from within it. Aaron went towards it, the air feeling heavy, as if he had to push through it to move. When he finally reached out to touch, the bundle inside it unraveled upwards, a long twirling ribbon that wound its way up to where instead of a ceiling was a shimmering surface. 

Aaron moved back, kicking his legs and floating up off the floor. The whole place was filled with water that was shimmering green, light pouring into it from somewhere above. Aaron twisted around and saw the Mill, drowned but not burnt. Everything was the same, but sunken. His heart lurched at the sight.

A mouth pressed against his lips, hands holding his face.

Aaron thrashed in the water, looking around and finding no one, explosions of orange hitting the surface of the water. He looked up, watching fire skim the water, trying to find a way in. 

Another kiss was pressed to his mouth. 

A flame curled into the water, bright white and orange, water turning to steam, turning steam to smoke. Aaron dropped to the floor, coughing hard, his lungs feeling as if he couldn’t drag in any air. He felt like he was burning up.

_I’m not leaving without you!_

Aaron looked up, seeing the shadow of a figure in the smoke and fire. He coughed, the smoke like water in his lungs. “Robert! You’ve gotta get out!”

Robert frowned at Aaron and then down at his chest, blood spreading across his chest, darkening the colour of his prison sweater. Robert touched his chest, staring at his bloodied hand, before he looked at Aaron with a dead gaze and fell backwards into the smoke and the fire. 

“Aaron? _Aaron_.”

Aaron scrambled back from the hand on his shoulder, breathing hard, trying to make sense of the dark. His head full of fog, he spluttered, “The fire. We have to-”

“Aaron. You’re dreaming. It’s not real. I’m going to turn the lamp on yeah?” Someone shuffled in the dark and the bedside lamp threw enough light into the room to drag Aaron slowly into clarity. 

Ed was sitting there looking at him with an intense curiosity. “Okay?”

Aaron nodded, realising it wasn’t the Mill he was at, and it wasn’t Robert waking him up. Grimacing, he said, “Sorry. I thought...it was all happening again.”

Ed nodded slowly. “Want to talk about it?”

Aaron made a face. “No. I...I just need a minute.”

He escaped into the bathroom, locking the door behind him, running the tap and splashing his face with cold water. He couldn't shift the smell of smoke in his nose. What a mess of a dream. Standing back from the sink, he pushed his sleeve up and lifted his arm. He ran his thumb across the smooth shiny scar on the inside of it, seeing in his mind’s eye the older and deeper wound underneath. Another gift from the fire, the purging of the last scar Gordon gave him. 

Aaron pulled his sleeve down and went back to the bedroom, Ed watching him with careful silence. As Aaron got in bed, he asked, “You alright?”

“Yeah,” Aaron nodded, punching his pillow into shape before lying down. “Just a stupid dream.”

“Looked bad,” Ed said quietly. 

Aaron muttered that they should try getting some sleep. Ed turned the light off, the room becoming dark and heavy with strange silence. They both proceeded to sleep badly for the next two hours, when the alarm went off Aaron was already awake and felt glad to get out of bed, getting breakfast on the table by the time Ed came down. 

The night before was still doing Aaron’s head in though. He couldn’t figure out if it would have been better for his mum to keep her gob shut and for him and Ed to carry on blissfully ignorant. Now...everything was a messy ball of anxiety sitting heavily on his chest. 

Ed was quiet, but there was no telling if it was Ed quiet, or the night before quiet. He was sitting there scrolling through something on his iPad as he drank his coffee and ate his healthy bowl of what Aaron thought tasted like sawdust. 

“So, um, what time you leaving today?” Aaron said, breaking the silence.

“Train’s at two,” Ed said, eyes still on his iPad. “Get there for five’o’clock drinks and meet up.”

“Two-day jolly. Alright for some,” Aaron said, dropping his toast on his plate, appetite non-existent. 

“It’s a two day course that costs a grand, Aaron,” Ed said evenly. “Nothing jolly about that.”

“You get to stay in a posh hotel for two nights,” Aaron said. “It’s _a bit_ jolly.”

Ed looked up and smiled, very slowly emphasising, “A grand.”

Aaron smiled, picking up his mug and taking a gulp of tea. When he put the mug down, Ed was still looking at him from somewhere far far behind his eyes, almost as if from behind a dark curtain of secrecy.

Aaron cleared his throat, taking a bite of his toast for something to do. “Penny for them, then.”

“What?” Ed asked, frowning.

“Look like you’ve got something on your mind,” Aaron said.

“I was gonna say the same thing. You’ve been off since last night,” Ed said.

Aaron shifted uncomfortably, his right hand closing around his left, the scratch of his nails feeling calming. “Yeah. It was...weird. Mum bringing up babies and all. And...I didn’t realise you felt the way you did. You’re so good with Eve, with Harry. With your niece, with your nephew. I thought, you know, natural dad.”

Ed smiled at Aaron. Nodding, he said, “Well, more like natural uncle.”

Aaron smiled back, giving a nod of his own. “It’s not that bad, you know, being a dad. I was a step-dad for a while and, well, while it lasted it was...it was actually really good.”

“You didn’t have much of a choice there, did you?” Ed asked with a frown. “I mean, that’s nothing like where your mum was headed with surrogacy and all that. I know people who have gone through it and it’s not easy, Aaron.”

Aaron opened his mouth and promptly shut it, evading Ed’s gaze. Finally, he said, “I know. Robert and I were trying, before he went to prison. We’d gotten as far as finding a surrogate. When she found out he might be going down for manslaughter, she didn’t want any part of it.”

Ed stared at Aaron, silent for much _much_ too long. Then he laughed and said, “I’m such an idiot. That’s why Chas mentioned surrogacy. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Everything moved so fast,” Aaron said. “For months all I could think of was the Mill and then somewhere in the middle of that we were back together and time just moved so fast and...it was good. I wanted to move away from the past. I just...made the mistake of assuming we were coming from the same place when it comes to kids and it meant not having to talk about...stuff that hurt, stuff I wanted out of my head.”

Ed bit his lip, staring into his breakfast bowl. “I wish you’d said something.”

“Well, I have now,” Aaron said, his voice gone weak, his chest shuddering. He mustered a small smile. “Now you know.”

Ed looked up, his expression contorting in an effort not to betray his true feelings. The slight quiver of his chin gave him away though. Shaking his head, he said, “It doesn’t change anything though, does it?”

Aaron stared at him through a bulbous tear which soon collapsed and fell away. Ed kept watching him as if he was expecting the worst. Nodding, Aaron said, “Well...now we both know.”

“Aaron-”

Aaron got up, swatting away the fallen tears. “I’m going to head off to the garage. Told Cain I’d cover him for a bit.”

Ed got up as Aaron began to move towards his jacket. “Aaron-”

“I’ll see you later, yeah?” Aaron said, moving swiftly, out the front door with his jacket clutched in his hand, trying to remember how to breathe. 

*****

Robert could hear doors banging. He squeezed his eyes shut, covered his ears, but the heavy metal clang ran along the walls and the floor, and it sounded loud in his head whether he could hear it or not. Prison was just one loud echo chamber, noises and voices always around him. Even at night, even when people should have been sleeping, there were nighttime sounds that kept him up. A final clang was what woke Robert up. 

His eyes snapped open. The room was small but not a cell. The bed was tiny, but not a cot. He wasn’t in prison, he was out, he was free. Robert sat up slowly, his eyes drawn to Seb’s scribbles on his cast. He smiled, feeling those bright felt-tip colours reaching somewhere into his chest, colouring in the parts of his heart which had become bleached grey like the inside of his cell. 

He got up and pulled back the curtain from the window, looking into the village, watching people beginning their day, walking with a sense of purpose in their steps. He frowned when he saw a familiar figure. Aaron was walking along, shoving himself into his jacket with some force, an unhappy look on his face. 

Robert felt a strong urge to get dressed and run down the stairs and onto the road, to stop Aaron in his tracks and ask him what was wrong. Aaron would brush him off, tell him to go, but Robert would finally get through, coax out the reason behind that miserable look. He’d try to fix it, even if it meant getting an earful later. 

But Aaron wasn’t his to do that, was he? 

_We could be friends_ , he thought, immediately grimacing at that thought. Shaking his head, he walked away from the window, opting to shower and get dressed. 

Usually, he would have jumped swiftly in and out of the shower, but the four walls of Vic’s bathroom were slowly becoming a comfort. The door was locked, always locked. He could take the time to stand under the warm water, letting it beat down on the tension in his shoulders. 

He didn’t stay in there too long, Vic banging on the door and scaring him out of his skin, telling him she needed the loo. Once his heart had calmed down, he told her she’d just have to hold it in and they spent the next minute bickering either side of the door. 

Once he was dressed, he cooked up breakfast and cleared away the detritus left behind when Vic went off to take Harry to nursery, and herself to the library. Robert used the quiet time to call Rebecca and timetable a call with Seb and broach the issue of regular visits.

“How is...how is Aaron about all this?” Rebecca asked when the conversation was almost done. 

“I’m sure you can guess,” Robert said. “You pretty much stopped him from seeing his son and to make it worse he had no idea Seb was coming to visit. His head’s probably all over the place.”

“It wasn’t an easy decision, Robert,” Rebecca said. “Ross thought it would get complicated, explaining why Seb could see Aaron, but not you.”

“And where’s Ross now?” Robert asked. “That’s right, sodded off somewhere, didn’t he?”

“I’m sorry, did you not hit a man in the head with a _shovel_ and put him in hospital?” Rebecca asked. “How is Ross the problem here?”

“That scumbag hurt my sister, Becs,” Robert said evenly. “Trust me, I did the world a favour.”

“Well, I’m pretty sure that’s now how Vic saw it,” Rebecca said. “She didn’t want you going all ape and getting revenge. She wanted her brother. You got yourself banged up and everyone suffered. That includes Seb _and_ it includes Aaron. I’m not the one to blame here. This one’s all _you_.”

Robert clenched his jaw as he listened, breathing through the rant. When Rebecca went quiet, he said, “That it? Maybe you want to have pop at me for something else as well. Maybe it’s my fault the baby whisperer Ross left.”

“Oh, grow up, Robert,” Rebecca snapped. He could hear her taking a deep breath. “We were talking about Aaron. Seb’s been asking a lot of questions about him. Maybe next time I bring Seb we can all have a pub lunch or something, and you can invite Aaron along. I don't want Seb thinking Aaron doesn’t want to see him and just keep any smart quips you have to yourself.”

“Fine,” Robert said. “I’ll see what he thinks. His boyfriend might find it a bit weird.”

“Well, let me know,” Rebecca said. “I’ll text you some dates. Might be good if you can come over too, so you and Seb can spend some time on your own.”

Robert felt a tension leave his shoulders he hadn’t realised was there. “Um, yeah. Okay. I’d like that. Once I’ve got transport sorted it’ll be simpler.”

“Okay. Well, I’ve gotta go. Try and stay out of trouble,” she said, sounding resigned.

Robert snorted. “Yeah, bye.”

Robert ended the call, taking a moment just for some Rebecca-related simmering, before immediately calling his solicitor about the small subject of big money, a conversation best had away from Vic’s ears. Paul sounded confident that everything was looking good and Robert had nothing to worry about. It was optimistic of him to think Robert wouldn’t have something else to worry about. He’d clearly learned nothing about Robert in the past few years. 

By noon Robert was finished with his limited list of chores, and as Vic had taken her laptop, some things he needed to sort would have to wait until she got back. Running a hand through his slightly too long hair, Robert looked at the clock. Half-twelve and he had the whole place to himself. 

He made lunch and ate it slow, watching the clock, telling himself he could take his time. He could spend all afternoon on his lunch if he wanted to. He could move from the dining table and eat slumped on the sofa. He considered it and then remembered he wasn’t an absolute caveman. That was more Aaron’s thing.

Robert smiled at the thought. For once, the thought of him didn’t sting so much. Maybe that was good. Maybe it wasn’t. Robert sighed. Maybe he needed to go for a walk and digest that sandwich. 

He cleared away his dishes and pulled on his jacket which was beginning to look a little rumpled. New clothes could wait though, not like he had a job to go to. He stepped outside, greeted by bright sun and balmy weather. It was strange. For a moment it felt like he hadn’t been away. Like maybe it had all been a bad dream. Maybe it was best to think of it that way. 

Robert started walking towards David’s for a browse. Maybe he could cook dinner tonight. But there in the distance was Aaron walking off, his hands stuffed in his pockets, and his head hanging down, eyes on the ground. He probably had his terribly mardy face on too. 

Not his problem, Robert thought with a sigh, resuming his course to David’s.

*****

Aaron dropped a pebble into the water from the bridge and watched it’s ripples across the surface of the water. It was more calming than smashing something at the scrapyard or working on someone’s car with his mind elsewhere. It was weirdly comforting watching how the water broke, rippled, and then just seemed to calmly become itself again. It made Aaron breathe a little easier.

“You alright?”

Aaron looked from where he was leaning against the bridge barrier to see Robert standing there with a bag from David’s hanging off his wrist and smaller paper bag in his hand, from which he took out a sizeable piece of chocolate, popping it in his mouth. Chocolate in the middle of the day for no reason - Aaron shook his head. 

He looked better than the last time Aaron had seen him, but still on the tired side with shadows under his eyes, his unstyled hair making him look younger than he was. That blazer he was wearing he’d definitely fallen asleep in a few times. 

Aaron looked away, eyes back on the water below. “What’s it to you?”

“Allowed to care, aren’t I?” Robert said, coming a little closer, but keeping just a bit of distance.

Aaron made a face, tiredly telling him, “Just go, Robert.”

Robert sighed, took another two steps and then he was leaning against the barrier with Aaron, looking across at him. Aaron glanced at him, finding himself caught in Robert’s gaze.

“I thought you were quite keen on talking. What happened?” Robert held out the bag of chocolates. Aaron scowled, looking away. “Come on. Which is it? Talk or go?”

Aaron shook his head, digging his elbows into the wooden edge of the barrier, burying his head in his hands with a sigh. Robert remained silent, though Aaron could feel his gaze as heavy as a hand on his back.

Letting out a breath, Aaron looked across at the water carrying ducks and leaves away from them. Frowning, he said, “Ed doesn’t want to have kids.”

Robert was quiet, his silence heavy. After a moment, he said, “Um. Wow.”

Aaron glared at him. “That’s your advice, is it? Thanks.”

“I never said I’d have advice,” Robert objected, Aaron giving him a filthy look before going back to glaring at the air, the sky, the river. “So...what’s happened?”

“Nothing,” Aaron said sullenly. He closed his eyes, mad at himself. “We never talked about it. Never had the chance. I just...I just thought...”

“He’d be on the same page as you,” Robert said with a nod. Aaron looked at him, frown easing a bit as he nodded. “So, what, he’s said then? He’s dead set against it?”

Aaron shook his head. “No. He might as well have though. I didn’t stop to hear the rest.”

“Constructive,” Robert said with a nod.

“Oh, you know what, Robert? Just do one,” Aaron said irritably. 

“I’m just pointing out that walking away from an important conversation isn’t going to solve your problems, is it?” Robert said with a roll of his eyes. “Look, people change. I didn’t think I wanted kids. But...well, it changed. You can’t get there without talking it over.”

Aaron shook his head. “No. You should have seen the look on his face. Like someone was asking him for a kidney.”

“He’s comfortable, likes his life the way it is,” Robert told him. Aaron looked up into an earnest Mediterranean gaze, warm and comforting. “Probably never thought about it properly. Now he can, with you. If he loves you, he’ll give it some serious thought. He’ll realise that raising a family with you would be...well, the best thing he’ll ever do.”

Aaron nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat. “You make it so sound simple.”

“Because, once you’ve figured it out, it is,” Robert said with a nod. Shrugging, he amended it to, “Or, you know, it _was_.”

Aaron turned towards Robert, watching him closely. There seemed nothing different about him in this moment. Aaron saw that same affection, same love, in his eyes. Prison had made some dents, but it had failed to take away what mattered. 

Aaron looked away, a breath shuddering in his chest. “We came so close, Robert, to having it all. I hate ya so much sometimes.”

“I know,” Robert said, his jaw working against whatever it was he didn’t want to feel. “If it helps, sometimes I hate me too.”

Aaron stared at Robert. _You idiot_ , he thought, _that’s not how it works. You don’t get to do that._

Robert pushed away from the barrier. “Go talk to him. If he loves you, he’ll listen.”

Aaron nodded, keeping his eyes on the blurring water below as Robert retreated and walked away. After a while, he looked at his watch. Ed could still be home. He had enough time to get his train yet. He had to say something and he had to do it now instead of stew for two whole days. 

Aaron sprinted off home, almost lunging through the doorway, stopping short of falling over Ed’s wheelie suitcase. Ed looked up from his phone. He seemed tense and stiff, making the armchair he was sitting in look oddly rigid. 

“You’re still here,” Aaron said, closing the door behind him.

“I was hoping to catch you before I go,” Ed said. “You just ran off this morning. I didn’t want to leave it like that.”

Aaron nodded, walking around the sofa to sit on its arm, putting him just a little closer to Ed. “Yeah. Sorry. I was...that was stupid. Look, the thing is-”

“I called your mum,” Ed said quietly. “She said you were desperate to have kids. She said...you and Robert went through hell trying to get a surrogate.”

Aaron rubbed his eye, already feeling his emotions peaking and threatening to overwhelm him. He nodded in response to Ed, looking away at his hands cradled in his lap.

“That’s...that’s not something small,” Ed said. His voice seemed to shake. “Desperation and hell. That’s not something small.”

Aaron looked up, heart beating a little frantically, making it almost impossible to get out his words. “Is that so bad, wanting a family, wanting to be a dad?”

“No,” Ed said shakily, smiling at Aaron. “I think you’d be a great dad. But...it’s not something I’ve ever wanted. Maybe that might change in the future, but maybe it won’t. So, I can only give you the person I am right now, not the person who might never turn up. Aaron...you either love me as I am or...you don’t. I can’t...I can’t change who I am for you.”

“I do love you,” Aaron said thickly. “You _know_ I do.”

“Then don’t _force_ me into something,” Ed said. “Because I think...I think I love you so much I might do something stupid like give you what you want. That’s not a reason to have a kid, Aaron. A kid is not something you get to regret later in life.”

Ed got up slowly standing before Aaron for a while, his fingers curling by his sides as if he didn’t know what to do with them. Aaron saw Ed’s hand move fractionally, flinching away. Ed’s hands relaxed by his side and he walked away, slow and heavy, leaving Aaron tearfully watching his empty armchair. 

“Maybe while I’m away,” Ed said, his voice sounding unsteady, “it’ll give us both a little space to think about things.”

Aaron nodded where he sat, not daring to look around, letting out a difficult, “Yeah.”

“I’ll...I’ll text you when I get there,” Ed said quietly. 

Aaron nodded again. There was complete silence for a moment, Ed not moving or speaking. Finally, Aaron heard the sound of the handle being pulled up from the wheelie case and the front door being opened. He stayed frozen until the door shut, turning to look at it once Ed was gone.


	18. Chapter 18

Chas had been knocking on the door for what felt like forever, before ringing Aaron’s phone and shouting through the letterbox, “Aaron, I can hear your phone ringing. Will you open this door?”

Aaron angrily threw off his duvet and got up from the sofa, a little too fast by the feel of it, his head spinning and his spine cracking. After taking a minute, he lumpenly made his way to the door and opened it, letting his mum in. She stood there silently looking around the living room. The curtains were still drawn and the coffee table was littered with a mixture of beer bottles and beer cans, a half-finished pizza next to them. Her gaze finally went to the sight of Aaron, taking him in still wearing his jogging pants and a worn out black top. 

“Well?” he asked her with a shrug. “What is it?”

Chas gave him a careful look. “I wanted to see ya. See how you are.”

“Yeah, brilliant. Well, you’ve seen me, so…” Aaron nodded towards the door. 

Chas stared open-mouthed at him. “ _Aaron!"_

“What?” Aaron snapped. 

“Aaron, just talk to me, will ya? Please?” Chas said. 

Aaron clamped his mouth shut, just to keep a lid on the simmering emotions that at the moment felt too close to erupting. “I’m fine. Just go, Mum.”

“Aaron. Please, love. What’s happened?” Chas asked. "I'm worried about ya."

Aaron scowled, rubbing his forehead. He didn’t want to think about it. He just wanted to go back to sleep and then get drunk again when he woke up. 

Chas stepped closer, cupping his face in both hands. “Look. Why don’t you go take a shower or something? Hmm? I’ll clean this lot away, make you breakfast.”

“I don’t want any,” he said, shaking his head out of her hands. 

“Fine, I’ll make you a cuppa. You can’t lie here like this all day, Aaron. It won’t fix anything, love. Go on. You’ll feel better for it.”

Aaron left, mostly to get away from more nagging. He stayed in the shower for as long as it took to feel a little more awake and alive. Ed had gone off for his two day course, leaving Aaron with a million questions. He’d texted to say he had arrived in Liverpool and he’d texted in the morning with a casual ‘ _hotel’s not as posh as you thought_ ’. Aaron had replied with some difficulty, ‘ _maybe next time’._ After that, he’d just ignored his phone completely. 

Ignoring it seemed impossible now because his mum was standing by the dining table holding it up. “You just got your fourth missed call from Ed.”

Aaron grabbed the phone and sat down heavily at the table. “I’ve been busy.”

“Busy? It’s eleven in the morning and you’re not at work,” Chas said. She sat down opposite him. “Aaron. _Talk_ to me.”

“What’s there to talk about?” he asked with a shrug. “I want kids, he doesn’t. End of. Why d’you have to bring it up? Why did you have to say all that stuff about kids and surrogacy?”

“What difference does it make?” Chas asked. “You would have had to have this conversation one day. I mean...how did you both not know _already_?”

“I was _twenty_ when I met Ed,” Aaron snapped. “Believe it or not, I wasn't spending my time with him talking about babies.” 

Chas took a deep breath, nodding. “Right. But, you’ve been together for nine months, Aaron. You are in a _serious_ relationship.”

Aaron let out a frustrated sound. “When we got back together, we just carried on like...like we’d hardly been apart. Everything just clicked back into place and...it just felt so easy, so right. Like nothing could ever go wrong. This wasn’t meant to happen. How is this even happening?”

Chas reached out to squeeze his hand. “Look, the other night, it must have been a shock. Maybe he just needs to think about it.”

“He asked me not to _force_ him into doing something he doesn’t want to do,” Aaron said. “How can I expect that from him when he makes it sound so bad?”

“Because he hasn’t thought it through,” Chas said. “It’s big, it’s scary. But two years down the line things might be different. Maybe after you're married he might feel a little more stable and _want_ kids, eh?”

“And what if he doesn’t?” Aaron asked. 

Chas looked caught out by the question. “He loves you so much, Aaron. And I know you love him. Do you really want to lose what you both have?”

Aaron scowled, shaking his head, thickly answering, “No.”

“I’m sorry, love,” Chas said, giving his hand another squeeze. “Look...I still think it’s not all over, you know? I reckon he will change his mind. You just need to let him decide for himself.”

He nodded slowly, not telling Chas that he knew Ed and Ed knew himself. What was true for him today was unlikely to change tomorrow. 

“Listen, love,” Chas said softly. “I know what with Robert being back, you’re bound to be thinking-”

Aaron stood up, staring at her. “What? Wait...you think...you think this about Robert?”

“ _No_. No, of course not,” Chas said. “I’m just saying that maybe him being around is making this more difficult than if he wasn’t around. Darling, Seb is back in _his_ life. Not yours.”

“I _know_ that,” Aaron said. “How pathetic do you think I am?”

“Aaron, that is not what I am saying,” Chas said getting up and taking a step towards him. 

Aaron moved away, folding his arms tight across his chest. “Mum, just go, okay.”

“Aaron,” she said, looking stunned. “Don’t be like that.”

“It’s not always about him,” Aaron said evenly. “I am _allowed_ to make this about what _I_ want. I love Ed and I can see myself spending my life with him. But I’m allowed to want more. Why does everyone else get to have a family and not me? Why do I just have to accept things the way they are?”

Aaron stopped, his voice breaking. Chas moved closer. “Aaron-”

He looked at her, asking, “What’s wrong with me, Mum? Why can't I have that? Why can’t I be a dad? Am I not good enough?”

Chas hugged him as soon as his arms fell uselessly to his sides. He let out a muffled sob into her shoulder. “ _You_ would be the best dad in the world. You were a wonderful dad to Seb. There is _nothing_ wrong with you, you hear me?”

She pulled back, taking his face in her hands to demand an answer. He nodded tearfully. 

“You listen to me,” Chas said, “Whatever it is you want, love, I’m right here. Ed. Babies. Even that bloody nightmare Robert Sugden. _Whatever_ you want, I don’t care. I just want you to be happy.”

Aaron nodded, taking little comfort. In his experience, happiness was something that was forever slipping through his fingers. 

*****

“Robert. _Robert._ ” Robert looked at Vic with a questioning frown. “Are ya listening? I was asking if you’re done with the laptop.”

He hadn’t even started, the unread document still glaring at him, all six pages of it. Still, he closed it up and logged out of his email, getting up from the dining table. “Yeah. All yours. Thanks. Um, I might borrow it before bed if that’s alright.”

“Yeah, ‘course,” Vic said, sitting down and bringing up work, or whatever gossip site she ended up on after about ten minutes of solid work, or in some cases, no work. 

Robert slumped on the sofa, grabbing the remote and flicking through the channels until he recognised a thoroughly French looking street and settled on a Rick Stein gabbing about Bordeaux. 

He sighed. It seemed straight out of one of his fantasies with him and Aaron, sunning it up somewhere, having coffee and croissants outside an absolutely pretentious cafe, just so Robert would be able to enjoy Aaron going on and on and on about _how_ pretentious it was. Robert smiled to himself at the thought of it. It felt so real it was as if for a moment the universe had opened a window for him to peep through at a place where everything was perfect. 

There was another place too, wasn’t there? The Mill was standing. But not nearly as neat as Robert would have liked. A baby kind of did that, creating mess without even trying. Liv was walking around looking grumpy, though she rarely said no to looking after her little...niece? Yeah, definitely niece. And Aaron, bless him, he was passed out on the sofa. Robert? He was standing there and looking at them all, feeling lucky. 

“You’re quiet,” Vic said. “Have been since yesterday actually.”

“Have I?” Robert said. 

When he looked away from TV, it was to find Vic aiming an incredibly unamused look at him. She softened a bit and asked, “Is this about Aaron?”

Robert nodded. “I saw him yesterday, by the bridge. He told me Ed doesn’t want kids.”

Vic’s eyes widened, mouth opening in surprise. “Wow.”

“Yeah.” Robert shook his head. “Should have seen him, Vic. He was devastated.”

“I can imagine,” Vic said. “So...how come you were both talking about that? A bit personal.”

Robert gave her a look. “I _care_ about him. That doesn’t all go away, does it?”

“No, no it doesn’t,” Vic said. Smiling, she added, “I’m just a little surprised. I thought your grand plan was to stay away. Wasn’t it?”

“Because that’s always worked, hasn’t it?” Robert said. “He always has to make it so... _difficult._ ”

“Yeah, this is all Aaron this is,” Vic said. She got up to sit down next to Robert, giving him a sympathetic look, as if Ed had ended _his_ dream of fatherhood. “How is he?”

“You know what he’s like. He’s already given up,” Robert said. “Ed’s said his bit and that’s that. I told him to go talk it out.”

“What if that changes nothing?” Vic said.

Robert scowled at her. “If Ed loves him, he’d do this for him.”

“No, Robert,” Vic said quietly. “You love him, so _you'd_ do this for him.”

Robert pulled a face at her. “Well, that’s how it should be. If you love someone you do what it takes to make them happy. Otherwise, what’s the point?”

Vic put a hand on his arm, giving him the kind of pitying look reserved for incurable morons. “Robert. Ed’s not you. He’s...sane.”

Robert pulled his arm away. “Shut up. Listen, could you do me a favour?”

“I’m not having a baby for Aaron,” Vic said, trying to be funny and failing hard.

Robert rolled his eyes. “Can you go over and see him? See how he is.”

“Oh yeah? And why don’t you go and do that? Busy sched?” Vic asked.

“I’ll pick up Harry from nursery, give the place a hoovering, and cook tea for tonight,” Robert said.

“You know I think I will pay him a little visit,” Vic said with a nod. “ _If…_ you add a nice cup of tea right now into that deal.”

Robert sighed, nodding. “Fine.”

“Excellent,” she said, smiling. “Though, you know...maybe he might prefer a visit from you. You seem to be doing alright in the friendship column.”

Robert shook his head. “It’ll just make him think about how close we came with Natalie. I don’t want him feeling worse than he already does.”

Vic sighed, just looking at him with an expression somewhere between cross and disappointed. "Robert. What is all this, eh? What are you doing sat here when you could be with him right now?”

“I’m giving him a chance to be happy, Vic,” Robert said, feeling a tremor of sadness cascade up his face. “With someone who won’t screw it up. Hurt him the way I did.”

“That your choice, is it?” Vic asked. "Deciding what he needs."

Robert gave Vic a look. “Believe it or not, it’s his choice too. We both know how this goes, how it ends up. We can’t keep doing this.”

“So what does that mean then? You just forget how you feel about each other?” Vic asked.

“Like that’s possible,” Robert said. “It just means...we carry on with how things are. Living our separate lives.”

Vic smiled, waggling her finger between herself and Robert. “This is separate lives, is it? You sending me off to try and make him feel better because you’re too scared of getting too close? Bit of a messy plan if I’m honest.”

Robert shrugged, keeping to himself the fact that both him and Aaron dealt best with messy. 

*****

When the knocking began again, Aaron rolled his eyes, letting his head fall back as he sank lower on the sofa. He sighed, his gaze on the muted TV. The knocking did not stop, gently continuing. Aaron snorted and got up, opening the door to see Vic holding a ridiculously large Tupperware box. 

“Cupcakes?” she said with a smile. Aaron stepped aside and let her in. She put the box on the coffee table, taking off her jacket and just flinging it onto the armchair. Sitting down, she patted a place next to her. “Come on then. Right here, next to me.”

Aaron smiled, shaking his head and slowly making his way to the sofa. He slumped down next to Vic, watching her pick out a cupcake and hold it out to him. 

“What is it with you Sugdens and sugar?” Aaron said, taking the cupcake. 

Vic gave him a cheery smile. “Anytime I needed cheering up, Dad would bring out the lollipops and sweets. Mum too, you know, while she was around. If anyone was feeling a little low or sad, she's bring out all the baking supplies or a bit of chocolate.”

Aaron nodded, looking at the little chocolate cupcake with a swirl of light brown icing, a Maltesar sitting in the top. Smiling at Vic he said, “I suppose you do that for Harry now.”

“I got my first filling at 15,” Vic said, pulling a face. “So, no. It is pretty bad for you, after all.”

“Thanks,” Aaron said with a laugh. He peeled back the paper cup, taking a chocolatey bite and nodding in appreciation at the soft moist taste of the cake. “So. What’s all this for then?”

“Robert told me,” Vic said quietly. “About Ed.”

Aaron nodded, no surprised. “Pity cupcakes, eh?”

“ _You’re my mate and I love you_ cupcakes, if you’re asking for the full name,” Vic said. Aaron conceded with a smile. “Actually, they were meant for a mums coffee meet at Harry’s nursery, but if I’m totally honest with ya, most of those other mums are right stuck up cows.”

Aaron grinned, nodding. “Nice.”

“See? Thought that’d make you smile,” Vic said proudly, wearing a smug Sugden smile. She gave his arm a squeeze. “You alright then?”

“Not really,” Aaron said with a shrug. “But when’s that ever changed anything for the better?”

“Aaron-”

“Vic, I appreciate what you’re doing here, but right now, I just need someone who’s going to neck all them cakes with me,” Aaron said. “Can you, or can you not do that?”

Vic gave him an incredibly serious nod. “I can do that. Without even asking. So can Robert. Pretty sure there’s a cupcake missing in that box.”

“Okay-”

“But, I _am_ your friend and if you need to talk to me, I am right here,” Vic said, before going very strangely still and just staring at him. 

Aaron pulled a face and slumped down, shaking his head. She was going to give him that look until he folded. Sighing, he said, “Ed told me...he loves me enough that he might make a stupid mistake like have a kid he’ll end up regretting one day. Asked me not to...to _force_ him into it.”

“Oh,” Vic said with scowl. “Harsh.”

“Is it?” Aaron said. “I want him to be part of something that he doesn’t want. I know what that’s like. When Rebecca was pregnant, that’s _exactly_ how it felt. I _hated_ it. And I hated Robert for putting me in that position. I couldn’t do that to Ed, not when I know what it feels like.”

“Well, what does that mean, then?” Vic asked quietly. “I mean, for you and Ed?”

Aaron shrugged. “We just carry on.”

Vic was staring at him in wide-eyed surprise. “Aaron. You’d be giving up your chance to have kids. Do you really think you could do that?”

Aaron frowned, picking at the paper cup around his partially eaten cake. Shrugging, he said, “I have to, or I lose him.”

Vic was quiet for a moment, watching him silently. Taking his hand, she said, “You do have a son, you know? Not to mention a bloke a few houses down who’d give you a ton of babies if he could. Seriously, if it was physically possible, he'd probably even get knocked up for ya.”

Aaron let out a quiet huff of a laugh. “He tell you that, did he?”

“He doesn’t have to,” Vic said quietly. “He’s mad about you, he is.”

Aaron nodded, tears filling his eyes. He mustered a smile and weakly told Vic, “I think you just mean mad.”

“Aaron,” Vic said. “What’s stopping the both of ya? If you break it off with Ed, he’ll understand why. You and Robert-”

“Will get our fifteen seconds of happiness before something happens to mess it all up again,” Aaron told her, his voice weak in his throat. “We’ve had more chances than anyone deserves."

“But you love him,” Vic said. “Don’t you?”

“I always will,” Aaron said, not looking at her. “That’s why I’m letting him go. So he can find someone who’s going to love him, and...look after _him_ for a change.”

“Oh, Aaron,” Vic said. “You pair of flipping idiots. I want to smack the both of ya so hard.”

Aaron looked up, letting out a small breathy laugh. “Thanks.”

“I’m serious,” she said. “Someone needs to lock the pair of you in a room so you can sort yourselves out. Do you know, if Adam rocked up here out of the blue, I’d have him back, just like that. I’d have him back today, Aaron.”

“That makes two of us,” Aaron with a quiet laugh, nodding.

Vic sighed, rubbing away the wetness at the corner of her eye. “Look, sitting around crying isn't going to do anything. Neither is locking yourself away, smells rank in here it does.”

“I’m not locking myself away, Vic,” Aaron said.

“Well, good. You can join me, Harry and Robert in the pub for a drink later then,” she said.

“Vic, I don’t know about that,” Aaron said, not wanting to see Robert feel sorry for him. “Robert-”

“It was Robert’s idea,” Vic said. “He thought it might be nice just to hang out together. Come on. It’ll be good. _Please_?”

Aaron rolled his eyes, nodding and relenting. “Fine. Go on. Give us another one of those cakes. Did you tell Robert you were bringing these over?”

Vic nodded, passing him another cupcake as he finished the first one in two easy bites. “Yeah. He said getting you fat wasn’t likely to make you stop wanting babies.”

Aaron snorted. “You’re brother’s sensitive like that.”

Vic smiled widely. “He’s been different since you both talked. It’s like he’s got some of his old spark back. Sadly, it’s in the form of being a right gobby git.”

Aaron peeled back the paper on his yellow sponge cake with white icing, smiling a little. “That’s good.”

“Yeah,” Vic said thoughtfully. “Better than when he just disappears into his own head. It’s like...he’s so far away. Says he’s fine. But he’s not. Is he?”

“He’ll get there,” Aaron said with a nod. “He’s strong. _Stubborn_. He was so good with me when I got out of prison. Really looked after me. Give him time. He’ll be back to being a right nightmare in no time.”

“You think so?” Vic asked.

“I _know_ so,” Aaron said with certainty. “I know Robert. And he’s not alone, is he? He’s got you, Diane and Harry. And...he’s got me too, you know, if he wants me. As a friend.”

Vic smiled, covering Aaron’s hand with hers. “Well, it’s a pity you don’t want to be more, but...I’m glad he’s got a friend like you.”

 _Friend_ , Aaron thought, that didn’t seem so bad at all. Only...it seemed small. Like a small box that got it into its head it could hold the universe or something. Robert wasn’t just a friend after all. He was a once husband, once lover, once enemy even. The love of Aaron’s life. Friend was too small a box to contain all that Robert had been to Aaron and Aaron to Robert. 

And yet. Here they were. 

*****

“Well?” Robert asked as soon as Vic was through the door.

“Well, you need to turn _that_ down before it burns,” she said, pushing past him to turn the flame down on the stove, the pasta sauce in the pot bubbling down to a simmer of relief. Looking into the living room at Harry she said, “Giving him your phone to play with. Good tactic.”

“Vic,” Robert insisted as she turned to look at him. “How is he?”

She shrugged. “He’s Aaron. Says it is what it is, but obviously he’s not okay about it.”

“What? So Ed’s still not on board?” Robert said, staring at her in disbelief. 

“Looks like it,” Vic said, taking off her jacket. He floated behind her as she hung it up and went into the living room, watching as she sat down on the floor and proceeded to cuddle the hell out of Harry, cooing, “Hello, baby.”

Robert remembered too clearly how Aaron was when it seemed to him that they might never have any children other than one precious part-time child whose presence depended on Rebecca’s ever-changing moods. That dead look in Aaron’s eyes... Being a father had meant so much to Aaron. Fate was back at it again, stealing away his dream. Worst still, Robert had no control to change any of it. 

“You know, if you’re that worried you _can_ go over there and talk to him,” Vic said, sitting there looking at him for who knew how long. 

Robert shook his head, scowling. “It’s none of my business.”

Vic rolled her eyes. “If you say so. Oh, by the way, we’re going over to the pub after tea for a little drink, to keep his mind off things.”

“You what?”

Vic shrugged. “It was _his_ idea. And he looked so sad, I couldn’t say no. Look, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to, I’ll make something up. But he did ask for you to come along, so…I don’t know, do what you want, Robert.”

Robert blinked at her, surprised by her being so dismissive. “No, no of course I’ll go. I just...I thought he might not want me there.”

“You two think a lot of things,” Vic snorted, before giving Harry a kiss on the crown of his head. 

Robert rolled her eyes at the remark, before noticing something amiss. “So...what happened to all those cupcakes?”

“Took’em to Aaron’s, remember?” Vic said.

“And you ate them all?” Vic nodded. Robert stared at her. “ _Vic._ I told you to go see how he was, not give him diabetes.”

“What was that thing you said about him not being any of your business?” Vic asked with a smug little smile, which Robert ignored with a glare. Looking just a little sheepish, Vic said, "Nice job hoovering by the way. Could eat me dinner off the floor."

Sensing just the smallest of victories, Robert said, "Well, considering I found a half-eaten Snickers stuck to the bottom of the sofa looks like sometimes you do."

It earned him the most terrific of glares, but it was worth it.


	19. Chapter 19

Aaron resisted going to the pub right until he saw the time. Vic said seven-thirty or thereabouts and it was now thereabouts. He’d spent most of his day miserably, cataloguing all the cosmic reasons why someone like him didn’t deserve a kid, trying to avoid the obvious one. But the obvious one always came back to slap him in the face. 

Maybe the child of a monster didn’t deserve a child of his own. 

Fuming against his own traitorous mind, he got up and shoved himself into his jacket and shoes. He patted himself down, making sure he had his phone, his keys, his...wallet was upstairs. Aaron sprinted up the stairs and grabbed it off the dresser in his bedroom, turning to leave...and stopping. 

His wardrobe seemed to be looming larger than usual, almost in his face. He didn’t even realise when he’d moved across the room to slide back the door.

Damn Vic getting into his head. 

Aaron got down onto his knees and reached into the far left corner, rifling around until he caught the edge of a shoe-box. Pulling it out, he lifted the lid, looking inside. There were many things here, memories throughout the years, but few that were downright priceless. There was a letter, folded in half. A coin he never got engraved. A watch he took out, turning it over in his hands, smoothing his thumb over the engraved cover on the back. 

Replacing the watch, Aaron took out a small velvet box and put the shoe box away. He sat down on the edge of his bed, opening the box and looking at the two rings nestled side by side. He took one of them out, holding it between his fingers. This one had been given to him under the guise of safe keeping. He hadn’t been able to leave it inside a burning house. Not when Robert had said to never forget how much he loved Aaron.

Aaron had watched the Mill burning with bright orange violence. He couldn’t stop thinking of Robert as the flames licked upwards, higher and higher. _What do you want?_ Aaron had wanted to scream up at the sky. _Haven’t you taken enough?_ He’d lost Robert, and now he was losing the home they made together. 

_Promise you’ll never forget_

Robert’s watch had space for one more date, he’d told himself, those rings would be worn again. Aaron had darted inside the Mill, the thoughts in his mind not even complete. If anything happened to those remembrances...what if...what if it meant something terrible? What if, he thought somewhat madly, something happened to Robert?

Aaron slipped the ring onto his finger, twisting it around and around, its fitting a little loose. He wondered if it still fit Robert’s slim fingers. He still looked fit and strong, but sometimes his clothes looked as if they hung on him and Aaron could feel the sharpness of his jaw in the palm of his hand, as if he was cupping Robert's face. 

The ringing of his phone made him jump, almost as if someone had walked in on him. He fumbled for his phone in his pocket, pulling it out to see Ed’s smiling face lighting up the screen. After a moment of hesitation, he accepted the call with a press of his thumb.

“Hi,” he answered quietly.

“Hey.” Ed sounded relieved. “I wasn’t sure you’d pick up.”

Aaron scowled, annoyed at himself. He scratched his forehead in thought, trying to think of an excuse. “Sorry. Just...had my head in the scrapyard’s accounting stuff all day. How’s the course?”

“Not as good as I thought it would be,” Ed said. “Did a bit of networking, met some interesting people. Be glad when I’m home though. I miss you.”

Aaron nodded, feeling a wave of misery cascade through him. “I miss you too.”

“Do you?” Ed asked, the question uncharacteristically tentative.

Aaron looked around the bedroom, as if he could find the appropriate reaction written on the walls. “No. I’ve thrown all your stuff out and moved in with my new boyfriend.”

Ed snorted. “Okay. Maybe I deserved that. I just…hate that I’ve made you miserable.”

Aaron grimaced, quietly trying to find the right response. “You’re haven’t. The problem is me, isn’t it? You’re happy with things the way they are.”

“I thought you were happy too,” Ed said. 

“You don’t get it,” Aaron said, shaking his head. 

“Then try me, Aaron,” Ed said, a note of frustration. “I thought we were doing okay.”

“ _We_ are okay,” Aaron said firmly, trying to keep his temper in check. “But that family I thought we’d have in the future don’t exist anymore. So maybe...how about you give me a little time to get used to it?”

Ed was silent. Aaron didn’t want to prompt him to speak, not trusting his voice. Wiping his eyes, he waited quietly until Ed finally said, “Aaron...I know it must have been hard seeing your stepson-”

“Oh my god,” Aaron said, letting out a breathless laugh. “Are you kidding me?”

Ed made a sound, an exhalation that sounded like he immediately knew what he had done. “Aaron-”

“How is _any_ of this about Seb?” Aaron said, his voice shaking. “We’re talking about _kids_ , Ed, not cars. You don't look at one and decide, oh I’ll get myself one too.”

“He’s a kid you _lost_ , Aaron,” Ed said quietly. “I saw on your face what it did to you just to see him again. Trying to replace him isn’t-”

“You know what, I’ll see you when you get back,” Aaron said tightly. 

“Okay, I’m sorry,” Ed said quickly. “I got it wrong, yeah? I’m not...I’m not trying to hurt you. I _love_ you. I just want to understand what’s happening so we can _fix_ it and move on.”

“You don’t need to _fix_ anything. I want to be a dad, you don’t, the end,” Aaron said.

“And what does that mean?” Ed asked. “We just argue until one of us walks out?”

“No,” Aaron said quietly. “It means I don’t force you to have a kid you’ll just end up resenting because you never wanted him in the first place.”

“Right. I’m the bad guy here, am I?” Ed asked, sounding hurt.

“No. There’s no bad guy. Just bad luck.” Aaron shook his head. He sighed and said, “Ed...let’s just leave this, okay? I can’t keep talking about it. Just...try and enjoy the hotel. Even if it’s not posh enough for ya.”

Ed let out a soft laugh. “Wouldn’t be so bad if you were here too.”

“Yeah?” Aaron asked, smiling a little. 

“Yeah. Can’t wait to come home. Maybe...maybe we can plan that trip. Just get away for a bit.” Aaron nodded, biting at the inside of his mouth. “Listen, I better go. Networking drinks.”

“Sounds like fun,” Aaron said. 

“Yeah, about as fun as a root canal,” Ed said. “I’ll call you tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “Okay.”

“Love you,” Ed said, Aaron telling him, “Love you back.”

The call ended, Aaron looking at the phone screen until it went black. He passed the phone to the palm of his left hand, thinking about texting Vic about giving drinks a miss. His gaze fell on the wedding ring that was still on his finger. He put the phone down, taking his left hand in his right, stroking the pad of this thumb over the top of the ring.

Straightening his finger, he slid the ring off, as effortlessly as something that wasn’t meant to be there. 

_Yeah, but the other one fits, remember?_

Aaron closed his eyes, shaking his head at the thought. With a burst of anger, he stuck the ring back in its velvet box, opening the drawer of the bedside table and throwing it inside, slamming the drawer shut.

*****

The pub was as busy as expected, with hangers-on at the bar, the small booths all occupied, the seats that ran around the back adequately filled, and only a few tables empty in the middle. At the bar, Cain was glaring at a group of whooping lads by the dartboard, before Moira elbowed him in the ribs. 

At one of the smaller tables, Billy was grinning at something Dawn was showing him on her phone. Ellis was with them, oblivious and grumpy about something. That something became clear when Al walked in looking purposeful until he saw Ellis. Robert watched an attempted greeting, Ellis responding by getting up and leaving. 

“Blimey, what’s happening there then?” Jimmy said, him and Nicola sharing the seating that ran along the back of the pub with Robert, Harry and Vic.

“There’s always something going on where that Al is concerned,” Nicola grumbled, making a sour face before lifting her glass of wine to her mouth.

Robert watched Al go to get a pint before joining Priya who was already waiting for him at a small table, both of them sharing a kiss and looking quite smitten with each other. 

“Ugh, please,” Nicola said. “Them two are more on and off than Robert and Aaron.”

Jimmy objected with, “Nico! Though, she is right, mate, if I’m to be honest.”

Robert gave Jimmy a look, before shaking his head and taking a sip of his pint. Ruffling Harry’s hair, he asked Vic, “You sure he’s coming?”

Vic looked at her phone. “Well, he hasn’t said he’s not.”

One of the lads playing darts accidentally knocked back into a table, the rest of them laughing loudly. Chas was glaring daggers at them from behind the bar. 

“Bunch of flipping idiots,” Vic complained next to Robert. 

“I miss the pre-Corona days, I do,” Jimmy lamented. “All the ne’er do wells did their drinking in city bars and clubs. Now we’ve got to put up with these louts. What’s next? Drugs? Knives?”

“They’re playing darts, Jimmy,” Robert said glancing at Jimmy. “Not, Russian Roulette.”

Robert picked up his pint, gulping down a third, just as Aaron walked in. He took a moment to scowl at the little crowd around the dart board and then slowly carried on towards the bar. After ordering a pint, he turned around and seemed to scour the room before catching sight of Vic and Robert. 

Vic beamed and waved at him, waving him over, before proceeding to move along the seats, taking Harry with her so Robert would scoot up too, leaving room for Aaron. Robert didn’t fail to notice that she could have just moved in the opposite direction to let Aaron sit next to her. 

He gave her a look. She innocently responded with, “What?”

Robert moved in towards her and Harry all the same. At the bar, Chas handed Aaron a pint. She gave him a little smile, not the standard look that instructed Aaron to stay away from Robert. Robert could only guess what kind of headspace Aaron was in to warrant her less frequently used soft touch. 

“Oi!” 

Robert and most of the pub turned at the shout to look in the direction of the dart players. The one who had shouted, dark-haired and dark-eyed, all in black, with a tattoo that ran up the side of his neck, was staring down at another bloke in the same group. He was a little shorter than Tattoo Face who was around Cain’s height, but he was wide in the shoulders, muscled under his t-shirt and jeans. His hair was shorn close to the head, blond dusting on his skull, enough to see a ridge that looked like a scar. 

The sight of them made Robert’s heart swoop into his stomach just for a second. The one with the scar on the back of his head, he made the back of Robert’s neck prickle and chill. Robert tried not to think about it, tried not to think of a place full of chaos and violence and the constant squaring up of blokes trying to prove they were the hardest men inside a cage. 

“Think you’re smart, do you?” Scar Head said. “I’ll knock them smarts right out of that head.”

“Come on then!” Tattoo Face shouted, shoving Scar Head hard in the chest. 

_Think you’re smart?_ Robert stared at them. It was like they had a manual, men like Scar Head. _Think you’re smart? We’ll see how smart. Watch your back._

“Right! That’s it. Out!”

Robert blinked, realising at some point Chas had come around the bar, flanked by Cain, Moira and Aaron, behind Charity and Marlon hovering behind the bar. 

“Go on. Get lost,” Aaron snapped, mouth thinning out impatiently, fists curling to strike. Next to him, Cain nodded and issued a more quiet warning. “You heard. Not gonna ask again.”

An as yet silent mate of the two squabblers spoke up, telling them, “Oi, let it go, yeah? Come on. This place is a dump anyway.”

They left, sour-faced and hard-nosed, but not before causing something to smash hard on the floor, Robert flinching at the sudden noise. 

_Watch your back_ , he thought, _watch your back._

Cain looked like he was about to follow, Chas pulling him back. “No! Don’t need you getting locked up. They’re gone, it’s fine.”

Everyone was turning back to their business already, Aaron taking charge of clearing up the mess. Next to Robert, Vic was complaining about something, but Robert couldn’t quite hear it, zeroing in on Aaron carefully picking up the largest part of a broken bottle.

“Rob. _Robert_.” Vic was frowning at him when he zoned back in, realising he had zoned out. “You alright?”

She was nodding at his chest and he realised he had been rubbing the center of it where it ached hard, like someone had punched him right in the sternum. Pain was moving in waves down his back. He clamped his mouth shut as he felt the urge to breathe out slowly. 

His breath felt strange in his chest and his arms felt heavy. The whole pub felt right on top of him, right in his face, and everyone seemed to be murmuring louder and louder in his ears. He felt like he was burning up under his clothes.

Robert got up unsteadily, telling Vic, “Think it’s something I ate.”

“You sure? I feel fine,” Vic said, frowning. “Robert. What’s going on?”

“I’ll be right back,” Robert said, walking away from the table before Vic said anything else. He almost bumped into Aaron. 

“Um...alright?” Aaron said with a frown. His eyes flicked up and down the length of Robert’s body before he said, “Robert, you okay?”

“Yeah, fine,” Robert said and kept moving. 

He stumbled out of the pub, trying to breathe, trying to walk without dropping to his knees. Somewhere in the background he could hear the idiots who had been kicked out of the pub, part quarreling and part laughing at something.

“Kick you out and all?” one of them yelled as Robert walked away. 

_Watch your back_ , he thought, _watch your back._

He stopped when he found a wall to lean against, pillowing his head on his arm as he tried to breathe, trying not to be sick. He put his free hand on his chest. Something had gone wrong in there. Something with his lungs. His heart was going a million miles an hour too. 

He looked up the crunch of gravel under boots to see Aaron come to a stop a few feet away, looking worried. “Robert?”

Robert shook his head, barely able to get his words out as he said, “It’s...nothing.”

“Robert,” Aaron said irritably. “This doesn’t look like _nothing_.”

 _Shut up, shut up, shut up_ , Robert thought. He just needed Aaron to go and he’d get a cab to the hospital, get them to check him out. If he made it that far. 

“Robert,” Aaron said gently, taking a few tentative steps towards him, one hand reaching out but not touching. “I think you’re having a panic attack.”

“What?” Robert grimaced. “ _No_. That’s daft.”

“No?” Aaron said, quiet and calm. “You sure about that?”

Robert shook his head, not wanting to answer. His body felt like a led balloon about to drop. “It’s my chest.”

“You need to breathe. Slow,” Aaron said, inching closer. Robert tried, realising he sounded more like he was panting. He let out a few shuddering breaths. “Alright, not quite, but better. Look at me. _Robert_ , look at me. Like this, yeah? Like this. Slow it down.”

Robert eyed Aaron, watched him breathing slowly in and out. It took a moment of shuddering and hitching breaths, but he finally synchronised his breathing with Aaron’s, slow and deep. When some of the panic began to ebb just slightly, Robert closed his eyes, shaking his head. 

“It’s okay,” Aaron said quietly. “Panic attacks don’t last too long. It’s too much of a headache for the body or summat.”

Robert let out a fraught huffy laugh. “Thanks, Doctor.”

“Come on, let’s get you inside,” Aaron said.

“I can’t go back in there,” Robert said quietly, feeling pathetic.

“Alright, back to mine then. I’ll tell Vic you...you’ve got food poisoning,” Aaron said. He scrunched up his nose and said, “You know, throwing up everywhere. Really nasty.”

Robert closed his eyes, shaking his head and laughing. 

“Think you can make it? I can go get a wheelbarrow otherwise,” Aaron said.

Robert slowly pushed away from the wall. He felt like the stuffing had been knocked out of him, but Aaron was looking at him with a little smile, his eyes warm with concern. Robert nodded at him and said, “I think you can hold off on the wheelbarrow.”

Aaron angled his head in the direction of Dale View, twisting his body to go, but waiting until Robert was by his side, his hand hovering close to Robert’s back and keeping a slow pace the whole way, never falling out of step once, until they were both across the threshold of his house.


	20. Chapter 20

Aaron followed Robert with a sense of deja vu, keeping close as Robert moved slowly and silently. It felt familiar, Robert driving him himself to distraction and neglect. He got like this when he couldn’t control things, so inside his own head everything else fell to the side. Aaron could see it in the shadows under his eyes, the pallor of his skin. He looked the way he had when he’d been going out of his mind looking for Rebecca. 

But what was he looking for now?

Aaron’s heart tripped with worry as he watched Robert walk into the living room, standing there looking adrift, cheeks still pinked by panic. Aaron closed the door and went to him, reaching out to touch his arm. Robert twitched out of the way of Aaron’s touch with some strange hyper-awareness, running a shaking hand through his hair, looking startled. 

“Want me to hang your jacket up?” Aaron said, nodding towards said jacket. Robert scowled, but removed his jacket and handed it to Aaron. 

The dark blue top Robert had on underneath fit him well, Robert’s toned body easy to make out even under the dark fabric. But what did that mean? That he still got up in the morning and knocked out press-ups and crunches right by the bed before he did anything else? That he had habits to keep up the illusion of normality? It meant nothing.

Aaron looked away from him and nodded to the sofa. “Go on, sit down. I’ll get you some water.”

Looking dead on his feet, Robert said, “I don’t need water, I’m fine.”

“Yeah, I can see exactly how fine, Robert,” Aaron said, hanging up the jacket and heading to the kitchen. He let the water run for a bit, quickly texting Vic, _Rob’s fine, he’s at mine right now._ Grabbing a glass, he filled it up with water before taking it to Robert and holding it out in front of him. “Here. Drink it slowly. _Robert_.”

Robert’s jaw tightened in that way it did when he was being stubborn under scrutiny. He didn’t want Aaron seeing him like this, so he was closing himself off, shutting himself away. Nice try, Aaron thought. He’d seen it all before. He stood there with the water and waited until Robert leaned forward and took it, jaw clenching, gaze anywhere but on Aaron.

To his credit, he drank the water, if in reluctant gulps. Could have been slower, but it was slow enough to distract from his panic. When he finished, he held onto the empty glass, peering into it, lost in his own thoughts.

“Here,” Aaron said quietly, reaching out for the glass and gently taking it. 

He took it back to the kitchen, standing there for a while and watching Robert from afar. He was pulling his phone out of his pocket, checking it before he replaced it and just sat there slumped and miserable. He didn’t even notice Aaron coming back to his side, not until Aaron sat down on the edge of the coffee table, right in Robert’s line of sight. 

Robert looked up at him with a strange vacant gaze. Quietly, Aaron said, “What happened then? Was it...was it those lads kicking off?”

Robert shook his head so slightly it seemed more like a glitch rather than a movement. “I don’t know. Maybe. It’s never happened before. Not like this.”

“No?” Aaron asked. “What’s it usually like?”

“Just a feeling,” Robert said flatly. “To watch my back. This was...it was like being cornered before a good kicking.”

Aaron stared at Robert, feeling a dizzying assault of emotions that rushed from his chest to his head, scratching at the corners of his eyes. Robert though, he had just gone still and silent, back out of reach. 

“You keep going away somewhere.” Aaron frowned at him. Robert’s bright gaze slid from some secret inward place and turned its full focus on Aaron, boring right into him. Aaron asked him quietly. “Where do you keep disappearing off to?”

Robert’s brow dented in thought for a moment, before his gaze seemed to brush all the way up and down Aaron. Nodding, he told Aaron, “Sometimes, it’s somewhere good. Somewhere everything worked out. Sometimes it's...”

Robert scowled and looked away, just as tears pricked Aaron’s. Aaron swallowed. “What?”

“It's like I'm back inside,” Robert said roughly, “I hear something and...I’m there again. In the middle of all this _noise_.”

Aaron swallowed at the hitch in Robert’s breath and the way his eyes filled with tears. Letting out a breath, Aaron wiped a hand across his face. “Robert-”

“It’s fine,” Robert said quietly, mustering a fragile smile. “It’ll pass.”

“Not like this,” Aaron said thickly. “Not on its own. You need to _talk_ to someone. Someone who can help you.”

“Help with what?” Robert said. “Turning back time and stopping me from messing up?”

“No,” Aaron said firmly. “Help you to stop beating yourself up about what happened. You went to prison. You did your time. You’re free, Robert, and it’s about time you started thinking about living _your_ best life. Don’t _you_ deserve to be happy?”

Robert’s mouth twisted into a sad smile. “I think all evidence points to the contrary.”

Aaron blinked, scowling hard. Leaning in, he said, “Well, _I think_ you deserve to be happy. If that counts for anything.”

There was a ripple of emotion across Robert’s face, something he swallowed as soon as it appeared. He gave Aaron a jerky nod and unsteady smile. Aaron angled his head at Robert, taking him in, looking for what was missing; the spark in his eyes, laughter lines, that cocky vibrant aura. Aaron had thought Robert shone like the sun, regardless of good or bad. He had brought light to Aaron’s world, plunging him into darkness when he left.

“I wish you had let me be there for you,” Aaron said quietly. “Drove me mad, it did, thinking of you all alone, getting sick, getting hurt. I hated it.”

“I know you did,” Robert said softly. “I know _you_ , don’t I?”

Aaron nodded miserably. “Yeah. But you cut me out anyway, didn’t ya?”

“Because you deserve more than an idiot who didn’t listen to any of your warnings and got himself banged up,” Robert said. “You told me you were scared of losing me and I didn’t listen. I just couldn’t get out of that haze of anger quick enough to see I was about to fall off the edge of a cliff. I wasn’t going to take you with me.”

Aaron nodded, sighing and leaning forward, both elbows digging into the tops of his thighs, chin resting on the knuckles of his curled hands as he looked at Robert, telling him, “It’s gonna be okay, you know? Before you know it you’ll be back in that portacabin with Jimmy burping in your ear.”

Robert grinned, bright and beautiful. Real. Aaron felt it like a punch to the chest, a punch that dislodged something rotten from nearly three years ago, something that had been festering. Something that tasted like fear and grief. 

“If you say so,” Robert said quietly.

“I _know_ so,” Aaron told him. 

“Do you?” Robert asked with a little frown.

“Yeah, I do as it happens,” Aaron said. “You always find a way to get back on your feet. That’s who Robert Sugden is. Two years of doing time ain’t gonna take that away from you. Is it?”

Robert was watching him with quiet consideration. After a moment of thought, he said, “No. No it’s not.”

“Good,” Aaron said with a nod. 

Robert sighed, rubbing the side of his face. He looked exhausted. “I should go.”

“You don’t have to,” Aaron said with a shrug.

“I don’t want Ed to-”

“He’s not back until day after tomorrow,” Aaron said. “So, you know...take your time.”

“Right,” Robert said. “Um...so where is he then?”

“On a course,” Aaron said. “Probably good we’re not around each other right now anyway.”

“Yeah,” Robert said quietly. “Vic told me what happened. What now?”

Aaron made a face, shrugging. “That’s that, innit?”

Robert shifted on the sofa, straightening up. Frowning at Aaron, he said. “You can’t just give up.”

Aaron laughed, shaking his head. “What do you want me to do, Robert? _Trick_ him into having a baby?”

Robert said nothing, just staring up at Aaron. He suddenly seemed so close, even though he was sitting a good few inches away. _Robert_ , his mind supplied, as if shocked by his presence. How was he here when he had been taken away for fourteen years? How was he even here? 

“I’m sorry,” Robert said quietly, looking pained. “I know what it means to you.”

Aaron nodded. Sighing, he said, “You want a cuppa? I’d offer you a beer but ran out last night.”

“I should still go-”

Aaron let out a heavy breath of annoyance, closing his eyes for a moment. When he felt a little more under control, he looked at Robert and said, “Just...shut up and chill out for a bit. Okay?”

Robert nodded, frowning. “Okay. Um...tea would be great.”

Aaron gave him a nod and went off to boil the kettle, cursing himself for making Robert stay. But he couldn’t help it. Robert being there, just sitting there on the sofa looking dishevelled and tired made things a hundred times better than...than him having been so far away. 

Aaron’s phone rang, buzzing in his pocket. He wasn’t surprised to see it was Vic, answering with, “He’s fine.”

“So, not food poisoning then,” Vic said. “Aaron, _what_ is going on?”

“Look, Vic, he’s fine, okay? And I just asked him to hang out with me for a bit. Is that a problem?” Aaron asked.

Vic was quiet, except for the little scheming cogs in her head which were loud and clear. “No. No problem for me. You know, as long as he’s alright. You two hang out _all_ you want.”

“Right, I’m putting the phone down,” Aaron said blandly. 

“No wait-”

Aaron ended the call and shoved the phone into his pocket. He brought out some cups, making himself a proper tea and making Robert a way too strong concoction that pretended to be tea, just how he liked it, the weirdo.He took the cups into the living room with a little sigh. “Here you...go.”

Robert was sitting back on the couch, a little tipped to the side, eyes closed. Knocked out, Aaron thought. He put the cups down on the coffee table and just watched Robert who seemed in a prime position for a neck ache. Aaron reached out to help coax Robert into a better position. Robert’s eyes opened a crack, his body leaning away before Aaron could touch him, looking at Aaron in question. 

“Um...your neck...it's bent funny,” Aaron told him. “You can...you can lie down.”

Robert frowned at him, his gaze so sharp and bright as it peered into Aaron’s eyes, travelling down his face and lingering on his mouth before he looked around the living room in confusion. He was locked away in his head again. He gave Aaron an absent-minded nod, shifting until he was lying down, eyes drifting shut. 

Aaron stood over the sofa, watching Robert, not realising he was digging his nails into the back of his hand until he felt the sharp pain of skin breaking. He looked down at the little bloody waning moon against pale skin, swallowing at the sight of it. Snapping out of his daze, he reached for the blanket on the back of the sofa and gently draped it over Robert’s sleeping form. 

Aaron sank down in his favoured armchair, drinking his tea and watching Robert. He seemed to sleep peacefully for about an hour. Aaron got up to wash their cups of tea, coming back to find Robert lying there with a deeply furrowed brow, the hand of his broken arm fisted against his chest. 

Robert had been like this those weeks leading up to prison. Either he was up early, or he slept late. When he slept, it was badly, murmuring in his sleep, clenched teeth and clenched fists, not to mention sharp kicks of anxiety. He even curled away from Aaron to have his nightmares, keeping Aaron safe as he slept. 

Then, just like that, he was gone. Their bed may as well have been a graveyard for all the attraction it held as a place to sleep. It was cold and empty without him. Cold and empty even when Aaron had shoved others onto that bed to douse the memory of him. And here he was now, sleeping badly on a sofa that looked as though it was made to hold him. 

Robert flinched, his body stiffening. Aaron sat down on the edge of the coffee table and reached out to touch Robert’s shoulder, stroke his arm. It soothed him before, plenty of times. But Aaron’s fingers curled away before he could make contact. 

He angled his head, watching Robert’s brow crinkle unhappily. Keeping his voice low, Aaron said, “It’s okay. You're going to be okay.”

*****

_“Great Scott. Let me see that photograph again of your brother. Just as I thought, this proves my theory, look at your brother.”_

_“His head's gone, it's like it's been erased.”_

Robert frowned at the quiet crackle of dialogue in an otherwise silent room. The lights were at their dimmest, the room near dark. The brightest spot in the room was the TV, the volume down low. Robert shifted where he lay, opening one eye and peering at the familiar film. 

He watched in silence for about five minutes before craning his neck to see Aaron hunkered low in his armchair, his feet on the coffee table, half his body hidden under a soft looking blanket. He looked like he could fall asleep any second, his eyes half-shut.

“You hate this movie,” Robert murmured. Aaron looked at him, momentarily startled before falling into his comfortable slump again. “Always complained when I put it on.”

“Yeah, because you watched it on telly even though you had the box-set,” Aaron said. Scowling, he added, “Even if you switched on half way through. Who even watches something starting in the middle?”

Robert went back to watching the screen, muttering, “It’s a good movie.”

“Doesn’t even make sense,” Aaron snorted, before complaining, “Why is _he_ hanging around with this old bloke?”

Robert laughed quietly. “If you hate it so much, why are you even watching?”

Aaron went stubbornly quiet. Robert looked in his direction to find him sullenly glaring at the TV. Shrugging, he said, “It was on.”

“I should go home,” Robert said with a heavy sigh, noting his body made no move to agree with him. 

“You can,” Aaron said. “But, it’s half-one and I already told Vic you’ve fallen asleep here. _And…_ they’re running a marathon. Part 2 and 3 are on after this. Which is good, because I need something to send me to sleep.”

“You really have no taste,” Robert said with a little snort.

“Yeah and you need a haircut,” Aaron said grumpily. Robert looked in his direction and just stared. Aaron looked a little sheepish before shrugging, “Well...it’s out now. And you do.”

Robert grinned and looked away, muttering, “Wow.”

Aaron sighed, sinking a little further under his blanket, blinking slowly at a movie he didn’t even like. Robert felt overwhelmed by the sight of him, his chest feeling a wave of warmth drowning the debris of his day’s thoughts. 

“Thank you,” he murmured. Aaron looked at him with a frown. “Bringing me here. Sorting me out.”

Aaron’s eyes looked so blue even in the dim light as they flicked across Robert’s form. Nodding he said, “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” Robert said. Aaron nodded. “What about you? You okay?”

Aaron didn’t move, didn’t look at Robert in confusion. He shrugged and said, “No. Not much I can do though.”

“That’s that then?” Robert asked with a frown.

“Not everyone gets to have kids,” Aaron said. “I’m not the first person in the world who wanted kids and didn’t get to have them. Or...maybe...maybe it’s like this movie. Maybe I had a kid, and maybe he or she travelled back in time, messed things up and just managed to get erased. Sounds like something a Dingle would do.”

Robert smiled, feeling a heavy sadness hang in his chest. “Nah. She would have found a way. Dingles always do. Sneaky lot.”

Aaron looked at him, sharing his thoughts as loudly as if he had spoken, sharing the idea of an erased child, cocking up in spectacular ways like only one of her dads would have known how. Of course she was his, Robert thought. An erased child from an erased future. Even that seemed better than nothing.

Aaron returned his attention to the TV with a long sigh. After a moment, he looked back at Robert with a frown. “Back when we decided...did you really want another baby? Or was that...did I force you into that?”

Robert sat up slowly, to properly look at Aaron. Shaking his head, he said, “No. Of course not. You know how much I wanted a baby.”

Aaron nodded, gaze tiredly going back to the TV. “Do you think it’s me then?”

Robert frowned. “What’s you?”

Aaron kept his gaze fixed on the TV, but Robert could see the way his eyes back glassy, the way his voice shook. “Maybe...maybe Ed doesn’t want kids with someone who...had a dad like Gordon.”

Robert stood up taking a step forward before forcing himself to not rush. Aaron was looking up at him with watery eyes, mouth turned down unhappily. Robert slowly sat down before him, taking up a spot on the edge of the coffee table, making sure not to jostle Aaron’s feet next to him. 

“Tell me you don’t believe that,” Robert said softly, shaking his head. “You...you are so good. So good you changed someone like me for the better. Whatever his reasons, it has nothing to do with...with _that_ man. You were a great dad to Seb. The best.”

Aaron blinked, looking up as if he could separate himself from the tears as he nodded. Robert wanted to reach out to him, hold him. But the thought of doing that and having to let go...it felt unbearable. What if he couldn't let go again?

Aaron let out a little shaky laugh. “It’s definitely a Sugden baby that’s gone and gotten herself erased then.”

Robert smiled. “Don’t worry. Maybe there’s another one out there. A Dingle baby who’s going to fix it. Put it right.”

Aaron was staring at Robert, the watery blue of his eyes sucking him in. Quietly, he asked, “Put what right?”

Robert shrugged, offering a weak smile. “I suppose you won’t know until it happens.”

Aaron snorted wetly, wiping his face on the pulled sleeve of his top. He nodded towards the TV and said, “So. You staying for parts 2 and 3, or what?”

“Depends on the quality of snacks,” Robert replied. No way in hell he was leaving Aaron alone to think harmful thoughts.

Another snort from Aaron as he got up and went off the kitchen. Robert watched him in there under the brighter lights, moving around with a mask of still sadness on his face. If Robert could make it happen, if he could somehow give Aaron everything he wanted, he would do it in the blink of an eye. All he could do was watch from the outside of a circle called friendship, a well-meaning place, but ultimately useless. 

Robert went back to the sofa, slumping into the corner and putting his feet up on the coffee table. Aaron returned and carefully stepped over Robert’s outstretched legs to land heavily in the middle of the sofa. Robert watched him as he put his feet up too, dropping a Tupperware box on Robert’s lap, whilst holding onto a bag of popcorn. 

“Here, pass us that blanket,” Aaron said, nodding to it where it was piled onto the floor. Robert grabbed it and passed it to Aaron who haphazardly covered himself with it from thigh to stomach, before resting his popcorn on top. 

Robert looked at the Tupperware box he’d been gifted, half-filled with Vic’s cupcakes. He held back a smile and said, “So...I don’t get any popcorn then?”

Aaron scrunched up his face. “You know what the rules are. I don’t touch your sugary snacks, you leave my salted popcorn alone.”

“Yeah, but that was then, wasn’t it?” Robert said with a small smile. Aaron glared at him. Robert shrugged. “Friendship...it’s a whole different thing, sharing-wise.”

Aaron rolled his eyes and tipped the popcorn bag in Robert’s direction, his gaze going back to the screen as he grumpily muttered, “Can’t believe they made three of these.”


	21. Chapter 21

Aaron was back in the Mill, which was weird. Hadn’t the Mill burned itself out because Robert had left? Aaron frowned, looking around the place which seemed as it should be and yet...not. His heart thumped with panic. Someone was knocking at the door. He held close the baby in his arms, looking down at the small bundle of mewling noises. 

The knocking at the door became insistent. Aaron chose not to open it, turning his back on the shadow he could see through the glass, walking straight into _her_ anyway. He tried to say _Katie_ but his voice was gone, his mouth moving uselessly. She shook her head at him. Aaron held on tighter to the baby, backing away from her. 

_What makes you think you deserve this?_

She never said a word nor moved her lips, but he heard the accusation clearly in his head. 

Aaron looked down at his hands, finding his phone, the screen blurred, the words jumbled. But he knew. He knew exactly what the words were. He shook his head, fingers fumbling as he sent an entirely new text, telling her he changed his mind. Not to come to Wylie's, please not to come. But it was too late to change that. It was written across Katie’s sharp blue gaze. 

It would always be too late. She grabbed his wrist tight. 

_No_ , he tried to say, _NO!_

Aaron gasped, his eyes snapping open. He sat there for a moment, frozen on a held breath, letting the room around him coax him out of his nightmare, allowing him to exhale. The TV was still on, some blonde woman was selling bath towels whilst wearing a big cheery smile. Aaron blew out another slow breath, turning his head to see Robert slumped back in an exhausted sleep, his mouth slightly open. 

Aaron couldn’t help but smile at the sight, but not before his mood clouded over with memories of all those nights he’d spent without Robert, all those moments where he needed Robert close and instead had nothing. That first night without Robert had been agony, Robert in a prison cell and Aaron lying alone in their bed. He lay there for as long as he could, looking at the empty space where Robert should have been. He’d been in pieces, stifling his sobs so Liv wouldn’t hear. His heart was shattered and he knew if it ever got put back together, it would never really work the same again.

He had wondered as he made his way back into sleeping in an empty bed, how long would it take to get used to not waking up to Robert? The answer that had been true then, was true even now. Aaron would never get used to it. How often had he woken up in Ed’s arms, mistaken just for a split-second that it was Robert holding him? Too often to count. 

Even now as Aaron watched Robert sleep, his heart still shook with the loss of him. 

Aaron chewed on his lip as Robert mumbled something in his sleep, an irritated objection. Aaron wanted to reach out and gently stroke away whatever it was bothering Robert. He tried not to think of prison cells and uneasy sleep, Robert lying alone in some bunk without the space he needed to slowly inch across to Aaron every night. 

_I missed you so much_ , Aaron thought, his gaze stuck on Robert. 

“What?” Robert murmured in his sleep, beginning to stir. 

Aaron breathed in, startled, sitting up somewhat guiltily as Robert took a deep centring breath to become fully awake. He sat there pinching the bridge of his nose for a moment, too still, scowling deep.

“Headache?” Aaron asked quietly. 

Robert shook his head, glancing at Aaron with bleary and sleep-filled eyes. “No, just need a proper night’s sleep.”

They both looked in the direction of the curtains at the morning light filtering through into the living room, creating a strange smoky haze. 

Aaron eyed Robert with sympathy. “How bad is it?”

Robert drew an unsteady breath, shrugging. “It’s not easy. Every evening I start worrying about whether I’ll be able to fall asleep and if I do, will I be back there again? When I _do_ fall asleep, I wake up too early, expecting someone to wake me up banging on the door. Sometimes I can’t tell what’s real, what’s a dream. Like I might wake up right now and...none of this is real.”

“Well, it is real,” Aaron said with a nod. “I wish I could prove it to ya, but for now you’ll just have to believe me.”

Robert smiled, nodding slowly. Frowning at Aaron, he asked, “How did you manage when you got out?”

Aaron stared at Robert. The answer was easy, but it was surprising that Robert didn’t seem to know it. It hadn’t been easy once Aaron came out of prison, even if it had only been a two month stint, however Robert was there all the time, right where Aaron needed him, like a shadow keeping prison at arm’s length. He was there until it all fell apart because of one drunken mistake and Aaron had to wrench himself away from Robert. 

Aaron nodded at Robert, telling him, “Well, I had you, didn’t I? You made it better.”

Robert’s jaw clenched and he looked away. “Yeah. Before I messed it up.”

Aaron snorted, shaking his head. “We might have messed up anyway. Sometimes you have to be apart to realise how much you want to be together.”

Robert nodded, aiming a tentative look at Aaron, strangely shy and curious. Whatever was on his mind though, he was keeping it to himself, something flickering in his gaze before he looked away. 

“Must have been strange seeing Ed again,” Robert said. “You know, after all that time.”

Aaron made a face, shrugging. “A bit. But my home had just burnt down, so I didn’t give it much thought.”

Robert rolled his eyes, making Aaron snort out a laugh. Robert looked towards the morning light still sneaking in and attempting to brighten the room. “I should go. You know what Vic is like. She’ll be adding two and two together-”

“Making twenty-two,” Aaron said with a nod of agreement. 

“Exactly,” Robert said, smiling, looking lighter somehow. _Good_ , Aaron thought as he watched Robert get up, stretching his arms and straightening his back, his shirt riding to show skin and muscle, still toned, but in a way that made Aaron want to offer a fry up on the spot. 

Aaron stood up, throwing aside his blanket, pushing up his sleeves without even thinking. Robert was looking at his arm, his face going slack with surprise. His hand seemed to twitch as though it would reach for Aaron’s arm. 

“Is that from the fire?” Robert asked softly, nodding to the scarring on the inside of Aaron’s arm.

It was a shiny patch, almost as if a fiery hand had grabbed his arm and let go, leaving marks that reached towards his wrist and the inside of his elbow. 

“What happened?” Robert asked.

“Um...the sleeve of my jacket caught fire,” Aaron said. Robert’s forehead crinkled with...that look. The one where he wished he could steal Aaron’s pain away. 

“Oi,” Aaron said quietly. “It’s okay.”

“How can it be okay?” Robert asked. “The Mill burnt down. Liv almost died. You got hurt.”

“Well, it’s okay because I found her and she’s fine,” Aaron said. “As for this. The last scar Gordon gave me used to be here, remember?”

Robert nodded, scowling as if it hurt to remember. 

“That fire took it away,” Aaron said, his voice wavering. “Burnt it right off. I’m glad. I’d rather have this than that scar.”

Robert swallowed, nodding. Mustering a tight miserable smile, he said, “I suppose that’s one way of looking at it.”

“Robert,” Aaron coaxed, waiting for Robert to meet his gaze. “You don’t have to be sorry for things that happened while you were locked up. You’re not to blame for everything that goes wrong. Big head.”

The tight band of misery snapped around Robert’s mouth and his smile spread into something real, something as bright as the morning sun. 

They stood there in soft silence for a moment before Robert offered a small nod in the way of ending their conversation. “I’m...I’m going to go now.”

“Okay.” Clearing his throat, Aaron added, “Try not to sleep during the day. It’ll help tonight.”

Robert offered a thankful little nod, taking his jacket from the hook by the door as Aaron trailed behind him. At the door, he turned to Aaron and said, “You’ll have to let me buy you a pint later. Seeing as I messed up drinks last night.”

“Sounds good,” Aaron said. “Not that you need an excuse to buy me a pint. I mean...we’re friends. Friends buy each other pints, right?”

“Sure,” Robert said. “Buy each other pints. Share cake and popcorn. Watch movie marathons. Have sleepovers.”

“You know what? Next time I’ll offer you a bed of nails if that’s all a little too soft for ya,” Aaron said with a nod. 

Robert grinned, just kind of hanging in the doorway. “I wasn’t complaining. Just...thanks. For being there.”

Aaron nodded, feeling his throat closing up just a little. He cleared it, offering a jerky little nod. “It’s what friends are for.”

Robert’s eyes misted in thought for a moment before his gaze returned to crystal clarity, all aimed at Aaron. He nodded back, telling Aaron, “I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah,” Aaron said. He watched Robert walking away from the door, closing the gate behind him and disappearing out of view, Aaron muttering, “See you later.”

*****

Robert was plating up breakfast by the time Vic came downstairs wearing a ridiculously fluffy bathroom, scowling at Robert as he finished and carried two fry-ups past her to the dining table. 

“Breakfast?” he said, nodding to the table.

“Um. Yeah. Thanks.” Vic blinked, nodding. Smiling, she made her way to the table. “Food poisoning all cleared up then?”

Robert rolled his eyes as Vic plonked herself down at the table and picked up a fork, poking inquisitively at her sausages. Robert brought in the teapot and toast, sitting down opposite her. 

“Dig in,” he said, pouring tea into their cups, letting Vic add how much milk and sugar she wanted to hers. 

Vic gave him a bemused look. “So? What happened then? You two finally stop being idiots?”

“Actually,” Robert said, still feeling a flutter of nerves, “I...um...I had a panic attack. Aaron took me to his.”

“Robert…” Vic said, looking worried, breakfast forgotten.

“It’s fine,” Robert said. “I’ve had a few before. This one was just...it was bad and I didn’t see it coming. Or maybe I did and I ignored it and that’s why it was so bad. Point being...it’s fine. I’m fine. You don’t have to worry about me.”

Vic reached across the table and took his hand, scowling hard at him. “Robert, I’m your sister. I love you and it’s okay if I want to worry about you. You don’t need to protect me from this. How can I be there for you if you do that?”

Robert nodded, looking down. “Haven’t exactly done a bang up job of protecting you though, I have?”

“Robert,” Vic said softly. “You smacked a bloke in the head with a shovel and went to prison for it. I don’t think I could take it if you got more protective than that.”

Robert looked at the small smile on her face, letting out a huff of a laugh. “How do you do it, Vic? How have you made yourself so strong?”

She smiled, nodding, “I think it’s a Sugden thing probably.”

Robert smiled at that, squeezing her hand. “Mum would probably point out that Sugden thing is just being really pigheaded.”

Vic grinned. “She’d be right and all. So…last night. Exactly how did Aaron look after you then?”

Robert let go of her hand, shaking his head, Vic laughing at him. “Like a mate, alright? A good one at that.” 

“So that’s it, is it? You and him, just gonna be friends?” Vic said, turning her nose up at the notion. 

“I think maybe that’s all we were ever meant to be,” Robert said with a shrug. “Together...we just mess up. Maybe we shouldn’t even be anywhere near each other.”

Vic frowned. “Well, you can’t really avoid that living in the same village.”

“Right,” Robert said. “So...maybe I should move. I’ve been thinking somewhere between you and Seb. I’d be able to see Seb regularly and...and Aaron can get on with his life here without the past sitting on his doorstep.”

“And what about me?” Vic asked softly. “I can’t lose ya, again, Rob.”

“You wouldn’t lose me,” Robert said. “We’d still see each other. You and Harry could visit as much as you like. And anyway, it’s not like I’m moving out tomorrow. I just...I need to stop putting off thinking about the future. I need to move on. Like...like he has.”

Vic frowned at him, deep and hard. “Did something happen between you twos last night?”

Robert shook his head. “Of course not. I told you. I had a bit of a turn and he sorted me out.”

Vic leaned back in her chair, folding her arms and giving him a bored look that had previously been mastered by Sarah Sugden. 

Robert blew out a breath and sat back tiredly. “I’m not lying. Nothing happened.”

“Right?” Vic said. “But?”

But...Robert blinked at her, the truth knocking so hard inside his heart Vic could probably already hear it. It was a surprise the whole village couldn't here it.

“I wanted him,” Robert said quietly, “Wanted him more than I ever have. I was feeling so low and...he was there looking after me and it felt like...felt like coming home. Only, there is no home. There’s me, here. And there’s him...with Ed. And it hurts. Everytime I see him, it’s like losing him all over again and I can’t handle it.”

“ _Tell_ him,” Vic said. “Tell him how you feel.”

“And then what?” Robert said. “We get back together? Have the same dreams, have the same fights, make the same mistakes? And I lose him... _again_.”

“You don’t know that,” Vic said.

“I know me,” Robert said stubbornly. "I just...no matter how hard I try, Vic, I just mess things up."

“I don’t want you to go, Rob,” Vic said quietly. “I only just got you back.”

“I won’t be far from you,” Robert said. “I promise. Everything I've looked at online so far is stone's throw away. I don't want to lose you either, Vic. Look...eat your breakfast, it’s getting cold.”

Vic pulled a face. “Should have known you had bad news, serving up guilt breakfast.”

Robert gave her a look. “Bin it, shall I?”

Vic gave him a haughty look before piercing a sausage with her fork. “Not what I said, was it?”

*****

Aaron got out of the shower and dressed, the night before yo-yoing in and out of his mind. Having Robert so close, it had unmoored Aaron a little. He felt strange, unsettled. It had felt too right, as if Robert always belonged somewhere Aaron could see him, always close. Somewhere he could be there for Robert when he was falling apart. 

Aaron picked up his phone, frowning at it for a moment. There was something he had to do and it was becoming more and more overdue by the day. He sent Cain a message, smiling to himself. He couldn’t fix what was in Robert’s head, but maybe he could give him a distraction, give him something that might make him feel like Robert again. Pleased with himself, Aaron jogged down the stairs and stepped towards the kitchen just as he heard the front door shut.

He stopped in his tracks to see Ed pushing down the handle of his wheelie case. Aaron stared at him. “Hi.”

Ed did that thing he did when he felt awkward, hunching his shoulders as he shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “Hi.”

Frowning, Aaron said, “I thought it was a two day course.”

Ed nodded, scowling at the floor. “Yeah. Couldn’t really focus. Just wanted to come home. Be with you.”

“Oh,” Aaron said quietly. Pulling a face he said, “The hotel that bad was it?”

“Something like that.” Ed laughed, the huff of air sounding like relief. Aaron smiled and Ed seemed to take that as a sign to come closer. When he reached Aaron, he took Aaron’s hand in his, giving him an earnest look. “I missed you.”

“You were gone like a day,” Aaron said with a quiet laugh that sounded nervous to his own ears. 

“Yeah and I hated it,” Ed said. “Hated being there not knowing what you were thinking. Not knowing if I’ve messed everything up.”

“You haven’t,” Aaron said, scowling at their hands, trying not to tear up at the hollow space he was already feeling where the dream of having children was dying. 

Ed moved his free hand to cup Aaron’s face. “Listen...this question about kids-”

Aaron tearfully shook his head. “It’s okay, I get it-”

“I’ll think about it,” Ed said, silencing Aaron immediately.

Aaron frowned at him. “What?”

“I’ll think about it,” Ed said, a little softer. “I’m not saying it’s a yes, but I’m willing to seriously think about this because...because I love you. I never thought about kids before, so if we go down that route, I need to be sure. Just...give me some time. Yeah?”

Aaron nodded, feeling a tremor all the way from his heart to his mouth. “Yeah.”

“Let’s go out tonight,” Ed said softly, “away from here. Nice restaurant. Just me and you.”

“Sounds good," Aaron said around the tight knot in his throat. 

Ed beamed, pulling Aaron close and kissing him softly, before wrapping his arms around Aaron, murmuring, “Love you."

Aaron hugged him back, frowning. “I love you.”


	22. Chapter 22

The knocking at the door was persistent and by the look of Vic, she had no intention of getting up to open it. Robert rolled his eyes and got up, receiving a lazy _thaaaanks_ from Vic. 

“Yeah, alright, heard you the first time,” Robert snapped as he opened the door to see Cain Dingle with his fist raised to strike again. Robert scowled at him. “What?”

“Alright?” Cain said with a nod, letting his hand fall to his side.

Robert blinked at him. “Great.”

Cain tipped his chin up in the direction of the living room. “Busy?”

Robert gave Cain a look. “Yeah, you know how it is, the busy social lives of ex-cons.”

“Well, I’m sure you won’t mind if I take up an hour of your time. Come on,” Cain said, looking mildly amused. He was walking off, before Robert could even muster a response. Cain pointed at his car. “I don’t like waiting, Sugden. Get a move on.”

In a daze of irritated confusion, Robert walked into the living room where Vic and Harry were going through a big book of dinosaurs. Vic saw him standing there confused and asked, “Who is it?”

“Cain,” Robert said. Vic gave him a questioning look. “Wants me to go somewhere with him.”

“You what?” Vic asked, looking as confused as Robert felt. 

Robert shrugged. “Don’t ask. I should probably go see what this is about.”

Vic snorted. “You mean you’re going to go see if this is about Aaron.”

Robert ignored the remark with a roll of his eyes, grabbing his jacket. He made a quick beeline out of the house to Cain’s car. Cain barely waited for the door to close before the car was moving, Robert still fiddling with his seatbelt. 

“You want to tell me what this is about?” Robert said.

Cain threw him an amused look before looking back at the road. “Don’t worry, you’re not being kidnapped. It’s why you’re up front and not in the back.”

That really wasn’t much of an answer, but it seemed no amount of staring at Cain’s stubborn profile was going to do much. Irritably, Robert said. “Is this about Aaron?”

“Blimmin’ heck, you do go on, don’t ya?” Cain said. “Look, all will be revealed soon enough. Until then, pipe down. I’ve got a banging headache as it is.”

Robert just stared at Cain before turning his gaze on the road and simmering quietly. “Good to see your social skills have improved.”

“Good to see yours haven’t,” Cain snorted. Robert ignored the comment, watching the scenery instead. Cain went on, “That’s a good thing mind. Not letting prison get the better of ya. Coming out the way you went in.”

“That's your expert opinion, is it?” Robert asked with a roll of his eyes.

“As a matter of fact, it is,” Cain said, turning down a smaller lane. Robert frowned, getting the feeling they were headed to Butlers. “How did you get on? Inside.”

“You know me,” Robert said absently. “Found a way to keep under the radar. Most of the time, anyway. We headed to Butlers?”

“There you go again with them questions,” Cain said. “You know, you’re ruining this surprise for me.”

Robert made a face, looking at Cain. “Not sure I want any surprises from you.”

“That’s nice that is,” Cain said, in that wind-up voice of his. “Last time I do anyone a favour.”

Robert frowned at him. “Favour. Who are you doing a favour?”

Cain kept his eyes trained ahead, mouth pursing stubbornly before he said, “Don’t worry sunshine, we’re almost there.”

Robert went back to watching the scenery as Cain drove on, his muttering about this and that fading into the background as Robert became entranced by the brightness of the blue sky, the way the clouds seemed to glow as if they were lamps, the way the rolling hills seemed to breath, each one a different green somehow. His chest clenched at the memory of looking out at these scenes a last time and having to make his peace with the fact that he may never see them again. He'd thought of them often during sleepless nights, trying to remember what freedom felt like.

Butlers arrived and Cain kept driving until they were parked by one of the out of the way barns. Robert frowned in its direction and looked at Cain quizzically. Cain ignored the look and turned the engine off, telling Robert, “Come on then. Haven’t got all day.”

Robert reluctantly trudged behind Cain, wanting to ask what was going on, but was quietened by the thumping in his chest. He followed Cain along the side of the barn and around to the front where Cain unlocked the door that was next to the closed shutter. Cain walked on ahead and switched on a single lightbulb that barely lit the place to reveal a car shaped grey tarp. 

Cain nodded to the tarp and said, “There you go. Surprise.”

Robert stared at him. Cain made a huffy sound and pulled the tarp off in two swift moves, revealing Robert’s Porsche. Looking at it was almost like being hit by the past head on. This was the only intact part left of the life he had once, before he threw it all away. 

“Well, just gonna stand there?” Cain said. When Robert looked in Cain’s direction it was to find him holding up the keys to the car, which he tossed at Robert. Robert caught them mid-air, looking at them sitting in the palm of his hand.

Robert swallowed, looking at Cain. “I don’t understand.”

“No space at the Mill after the fire,” Cain said with a shrug. “I told Aaron he could keep it here for a while. ‘Course, then he took up with Ed and I suppose the fact that he still has his ex-husband’s car sitting around never came up. Been taking care of it for him. You could look a bit happier.”

Robert walked around the car, taking a moment to peer into it, scowling at what he saw. Looking in Cain’s direction and said, “Yeah, so could my mileage. Looks like someone’s been taking a little too much care of it.”

“Just keeping it in good nick,” Cain said with a shrug. “Good you came back when you did though. MOT’s about to run out.”

Robert snorted, opening the door on the driver’s side and slipping into the driver’s seat. He placed his hands on the steering wheel and felt his mouth pulling in the direction of a smile. 

Cain headed to the shutter and said, “Enjoy. Might need to get some petrol mind.”

*****

Aaron slammed the bonnet shut, done with the car he’d been working on. It was a wonder he’d been able to focus, both the night before and the morning circling round and round in his mind. Robert still circling round and round in his mind. He sighed, looking at the car, seeing another in its place from years ago. 

This was the spot where it had all really begun. How many times had Aaron walked over that spot where Robert had once stood and said, “But first I wanna know one thing.”

Aaron had wanted him so much, beyond sense and reason. It didn’t matter the things that Robert did and said, the things people said about him, Aaron had just wanted him. He hadn’t even noticed when wanting Robert twisted its way into loving Robert. The closet, Chrissie, Katie...none of it had changed how much Aaron had wanted Robert. 

He’d hated himself rather than not loving Robert. Wasn’t that a kind of madness? Hadn’t it been wrong, loving Robert while he was setting the world on fire? _I’d take him back in a shot_ , Aaron had told his mum whilst Robert was running riot. What _did_ that say about Aaron? He’d never found the answer. All he knew was he’d loved Robert with every part of his heart leaving the bare minimum for pumping the blood around his veins. No wonder losing him had felt like the end of his world. 

“You alright?” Aaron flinched, rudely awakened from his thoughts to find Vic standing on the threshold of the garage. “You look miles away.”

Aaron shook his head, scowling at her. “Uh, no I just realised I forgot to do the oil change on this. What’s up? Is everything okay?”

“Do you mean is Robert okay?” Vic asked, walking around the car to lean against it. 

Aaron sighed, sensing that Vic clearly had a bee in her bonnet about something. “No. I mean is _everything_ okay? That means you, Harry _and_ Robert.”

“Well, Harry’s off at nursery, I’m about to get down to some studying and Robert’s been whisked away somewhere by Cain. Don’t suppose you know anything about that, do ya?” Vic asked.

Aaron clamped his mouth shut as he looked at her. She knew about Robert’s car being stowed away somewhere, but not so close to home. He scratched his eyebrow, feeling a flutter of nerves. “I asked Cain to sort Robert’s car for him. No point me looking after it now he’s back.”

Vic looked unimpressed, her lips thinning out, arms folding across her chest. “No point you looking after it at all if you hadn’t been thinking you’d see him again.”

Aaron gave her a look. “Did you want something or you just here to peck my head?”

Vic’s posture deflated into something a little more petulant. “Robert told me about it last night. Said he had a panic attack.”

Aaron nodded, quietly telling her, “Yeah. He did.”

“Was it bad?” she asked, forehead dented with worry.

Was it bad? Not if someone who didn’t know Robert had been watching. He had just looked like a bloke who might have had too much to drink. But Aaron knew him. Robert didn’t do panic. He swallowed it all down with a drink and carried on like nothing was wrong. He didn’t cling to the side of a wall, trembling and out of breath.

Aaron had hated it, seeing exactly what prison had taken from him. He cleared his throat and nodded, “Yeah. Yeah it was bad. You need to keep an eye on him. I know he’s acting like everything’s okay, but I know how tough this is on him. I’ve been where he is and I know he’s not coping.”

Vic’s expression turned from worried to annoyed. “Yeah, well, it’ll be hard to keep an eye on him if he moves out of the village.”

“What?” Aaron asked, feeling his heart flip with surprise. “What you talking about?”

“He wants to leave,” Vic said. “Says he can’t deal with seeing you every day and knowing he can’t be with ya.”

Aaron swallowed, nodding at her. “And you think he’d want you telling me that, do ya?”

“Oh like you _actually_ need it spelled out, Aaron,” Vic snapped. “What if he really leaves, eh? You’d be happy with that, would you?”

“No, I wouldn’t!” Aaron snapped, surprising her. Surprising himself. He took a shaky breath, calming himself. “It’s not about me though, is it? It’s about what he needs. If that means not being here so he can be happy...then maybe he _should_ leave.”

Vic was staring at him, mouth hanging open in shock. “And what about me? And Harry who barely knows his uncle?”

“You both got on fine when he was locked up, didn’t you?” Aaron said with a shrug, instantly regretting the remark when Vic’s expression fell into hurt, eyes welling up with tears. She shook her head and turned on her heel, leaving him opening his mouth to utter a regretful apology that never quite made it out.

*****

Robert gently pressed his foot down on the brake and the car came to a perfect soft stop. His body remembered this well, the feel of the seat, the sound of the engine, the steering wheel in his hands. The strange sense of purpose that thrummed through him when he had driven this car, a feeling of moving forward in more than just miles. He could feel it now, trying to slip under his skin, that confidence a man had when he wore the right armour. 

He reached up and tilted the rear-view mirror, angling it to see himself better. He’d gotten that haircut he’d been putting off. His reflection seemed to belong to a bloke he used to know. It was a feat of concentration to accept he was looking at himself. He felt a tremor of nerves. He’d been stripped of all this in prison, his armour that came in bottles and tubes of grooming products, in overpriced barbers, tailored suits and expensive cars. In prison there was only him and his stubbornness for survival.

Robert looked away from the mirror, brushing off non-existent lint from his newly bought blazer. He’d splashed out on a few bags of new clothes. Being back in the world meant becoming a part of it again, _looking_ the part, making plans, making money. Some kind of future. Wherever that future was. 

_You drive and you don't come back.  
_

Robert clenched his jaw and looked at the blurring road ahead, Jack Sugden’s words choosing a fine time to bounce around his head. His dad had sent him away once to save him, but destiny had dragged him right back to pay. Not just for Max, but to wrack up a bigger debt. He seemed fated for ruin in Emmerdale. What could possibly be different this time?

He sighed and glanced across the lane at the blooming field that seemed yellow up to the horizon. It seemed to look exactly the same as the last time as he’d seen it. How strange it was to feel a little grateful that something looked as though it hadn’t moved on without him, even if everything in that field must have died and bloomed again many times since Robert was here last, barely three years ago.

Fourteen years was what they had given him. He wouldn’t have made it that far, he thought. He couldn’t have done fourteen years in prison. Some days he thought he wouldn’t even make it to four years. The loss of almost three years was almost too much to bear. He couldn’t imagine fourteen years. 

He should have been thankful to whatever pitying force had given him another chance. He should have been on his knees praying in gratitude. But he remembered too well a moment of clarity in which he realised that cars, clothes and money meant nothing. In the end, all he wanted and needed was Aaron by his side.

Robert re-started the engine, trying to make sense of the road ahead without Aaron by his side.


	23. Chapter 23

Aaron made sure to leave the garage on time, having promised Ed he wouldn’t be late so they could head out for drinks and dinner without rushing around. Though, if he was honest, going out was the last thing he felt like doing, especially after Vic’s visit to the garage. He hadn’t been able to concentrate after that, especially when Cain came back, but there was no sign in the village of Robert and his car.

_What if…?_

Aaron scowled angrily at himself. Why was he wondering ‘what if’ when he should have been thinking ‘so what?’ Robert was a grown man, free to do what he wanted and if that was leaving Emmerdale, then...fine. He did what he wanted anyway. Besides, things had been good before Robert came back. Life was moving forward the way it was supposed to. Everything felt brittle with him around, as if something could shatter and break at any moment. 

It _would_ be better for them all if he just left and lived his life somewhere else. 

Aaron stopped in his tracks, catching sight of that spot where Robert had his panic attack the day before. He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. It wasn’t his problem, was it? Robert wasn’t his problem. 

_But…_

He shook his head and carried on walking. He was almost home when he saw something that brought him to a standstill: the sight of Robert driving his Porsche and parking it up outside Vic’s. Aaron frowned at the car, drifting towards it and watching Robert emerge from the Porsche looking like...like Robert. Aaron thought he could almost hear the world tilt and click back into place, Robert walking toward him with a smile and not a hair out of place, wearing a blazer that probably would have looked stupid on anyone else, but perfect on him. Even the jeans were a better fit than usual and the shoes were new too. 

Aaron smiled. He’d been shopping with Robert enough times to witness him wanting to wear something brand new straight away. Robert stopped in front of Aaron, leaving the world’s subconsciously accepted distance of two feet between them. Aaron felt grateful for the distance. Seeing Robert like this...it was like staring into the sun. 

Aaron nodded at him, thrown by the way his skin felt prickly hot. “Got that haircut then.”

Robert nodded. “Yeah, thought I’d take your advice. Got the car too. Thank you.”

“It’s your car, innit?” Aaron said with a shrug. “What was I supposed to do with it?”

Robert was staring at him. Quietly he said, “Not keep it.”

Aaron looked away, overcome by an old sadness that used to drown him in darkness every time he looked at something of Robert’s. Ignoring Robert’s remark, he nodded and said, “You look good. You look like you.”

Robert nodded back. “I think maybe I feel a little like me too. Who says fancy cars aren’t good for you?”

Aaron smiled at that, before sobering just a little, quietly asking, “Is it true then? You’re thinking of leaving. Vic told me.”

“Well, she shouldn’t have,” Robert said without any heat. “But yeah. It might make sense to move a little closer to Seb. Pretty sure it can’t be easy for you to have me about.”

Aaron snorted in amusement. “You’re that irresistible, are ya?”

“I dunno,” Robert said with a shrug. “Ask the bloke who married me twice.”

Aaron stared open-mouthed before letting out a little stunned huff of laughter. “Can’t believe you just said that.”

Robert grinned. “Sorry.”

Aaron shook his head, still smiling. Looking into Robert’s too intent gaze, he said, “Vic told me why you want to leave. Said it was because of me.”

Robert sighed. “Vic’s upset. She’d say anything.”

“Right,” Aaron said with a nod. “Is it, though?”

“Is it hard seeing you around the village with your hot boyfriend with our burnt out house in the background?” Robert said, nodding. “Yeah, a bit.”

“Robert,” Aaron said, ignoring his flippancy. “You only just got back. Give it some time.”

Robert smiled sadly. “There’s no amount of time in the world that could make it easier to see you every day and remember that I lost you. I think leaving would be the best thing for both of us.”

“Yeah, well, I don't want you to go,” Aaron said, the blurted out admission leaving him just a little breathless. Robert was watching him closely, waiting for him to say something else. Something that would take away some of the weight of Aaron’s confession. Aaron told him. “I don’t want you to go, Robert.”

Robert nodded, looking past Aaron’s shoulder to frown at his and Ed’s home. “That’s why I have to.”

Aaron stood there, vacantly staring ahead as Robert turned around and walked away, disappearing into Keeper’s. Aaron shut his eyes for a moment, willing himself back in time to the moment before he had opened his big mouth, but it was too late. He may as well have been the one to drive Robert away. 

*****

Vic had a face on when Robert walked into the cottage. She was sitting on the sofa, legs tucked under her, remote pointed at the TV, chin resting on her hand where her elbow was propped up on the back of the sofa. Her eyes had a faraway look that indicated she had no interest in whatever was on the TV.

Robert sat down in the armchair and sighed, asking, “Where’s Harry?”

“Taking a nap,” Vic said flatly. “I’ll put tea on in a minute. Sausages and mash okay?”

“Yeah, brilliant,” Robert said without any enthusiasm. “So. What’s happened? You don’t look very happy.”

Vic shook her head, still staring at the TV. “Just something Aaron said.”

“Yeah? Like?”

“About me and Harry getting on fine without ya when you were in prison." Vic shrugged. "It wasn’t like that though. He has no idea what it was like. Mum and Dad are gone. Andy’s gone. Annie died. All I had was you and you were miles away. I did _not_ get on fine, I-”

Vic had turned to look at him and stopped mid-sentence, a fat tear teetering on top of her bottom eyelash before tipping over and running down her face. She was looking him up and down, from head to toe. He expected a smile or a comment, not the way her mouth turned down and she just burst into tears. 

Robert got up and went to her, pulling her into his arms. “Hey. Come on, I don’t look that bad.”

“I missed you so much, Robert,” Vic cried, clinging to him. “Not a day went by when I didn’t think about ya. I didn’t just forget you and move on. I didn’t. You’re my _brother_.”

“Hey,” Robert said shakily. “I know. You don’t need to tell me, I know.”

Vic sniffed, leaning into him still looking unhappy. She was shaking her head, “If it wasn’t for me-”

“ _No_ ,” Robert said, pulling back to look her in the eyes. “No, Vic. I went to prison because of what _I_ did. What he did to you, was not your fault. What I did to him, was _not_ your fault. I should have listened to everyone, I should have _listened_. But I didn’t, so I went to prison. That’s on me. I don’t ever want you to think otherwise. You’re not to blame. Okay?”

Vic nodded, mustering a smile. “I love you.”

“I love you,” Robert said, pressing a kiss into her hair. 

She wiped her tears away with her hand, offering a brighter smile. “You look nice.”

“Yeah?” Robert asked with a smile. 

“Yeah,” she said with a nod and a little laugh. “That just rolled out of bed look wasn’t really doing much for ya.”

“Shut up, I looked great,” Robert said, earning another a laugh. He nodded to the TV then and suggested. “Why don’t you put on something interesting, I’ll get tea started.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Vic said, smiling at him.

Nodding, Robert told her, “I know. But, it’s nice treating my baby sister once in a while.”

That got another smile, even if it was a little teary. Robert retreated to the kitchen, trying not to think of everything he’d lose leaving this place. 

*****

Aaron decided a night out was exactly what he needed, plus a good few drinks, expecting to find Ed ready and waiting as he walked in through the front door. Only Ed was sitting quietly in the armchair opposite, the TV on but ignored, his gaze on Aaron. 

Aaron frowned, drifting into the living room and stopping at the end of the sofa. Ed didn’t look like he was dressed to go out, in old jeans and T-shirt with a battered pair of red trainers. It wasn’t like him to not be ready at least an hour early of everything. 

“You alright?” Aaron asked. “Thought we were going out.”

When Ed spoke, his voice sounded thick in his throat. “We’re not.”

“Has something happened?” Aaron asked, his heart tripping at the dull look in Ed’s eyes. “Ed?”

Ed looked away from Aaron, staring at the window, his jaw working around whatever he had on his mind. Finally he said, “I was about to get ready to go out. Phone charger went and died. Then I remembered the one in my bedside drawer. Went to get it. Found this.”

Aaron noticed then that Ed’s fist had been closed atop his thigh and now when it opened there was a red velvet ring box. Aaron stared at it in silence, hit square in the chest by guilt and a million other terrible emotions that always seemed more than happy to tear pieces off him. 

Ed looked at the box, thumb moving against the velvety covering. “I’m such an idiot. I saw it and I thought...I thought you were finally ready. That you wanted to ask me.”

“Ed-” Aaron said, closing his eyes, unable to look at the way Ed’s eyes were shining.

“Only, I opened up the box and...well, they’re not new, are they?” Ed said quietly. “I've seen them actually. Vic has a photo at hers. Of you and him, wearing these.”

Aaron had tears welling up in his eyes, tears that really had no right to be there, and he swiped them away quickly, Ed watching him with a strange detached calm. Aaron sat down on the arm of the sofa, fixing his gaze on his fingers as they picked at a piece of skin by the nail of his thumb. 

“You know what else I was thinking?” Ed said, almost as if he was thinking out loud rather than asking Aaron. “How come I’ve never seen these before?”

Aaron looked up to see Ed watching him, ashamed of the hot tears that kept running down his face. 

“Did you take them out of your little hiding place? Did you try it on? Your ring. Just to remember what it was like being married to him?” Ed asked. 

“It’s not like that,” Aaron said around the weight in his chest, the rock in his throat. 

Ed stood up, looming over Aaron. “Then tell me what it _is_ like.”

“I don’t know why I took them out,” Aaron said feebly.

“Took them out?” Ed said with a disbelieving look. “Aaron, why do you even _have_ them? You _kept_ these. How can it be over between you two if you _kept_ these?”

Aaron stared at the rings through blurred vision. He could taste lake water in his mouth, feel the press of warm lips breathing air into his lungs. Robert was as good as trauma, memories of him slamming into Aaron when he expected it least. 

“I didn’t cheat on you,” Aaron said quietly. 

“You _love_ him,” Ed said, frowning at Aaron as if he was standing there making no sense. “You kept your wedding rings. You took them out and you left them in _my_ drawer. You _wanted_ me to find these because you’re too much of a coward to call it quits.”

Aaron stared at him, bulbous tears obscuring his vision. Shaking his head, he objected, “I didn’t...I don’t-”

“Why did you keep them?” Ed asked quietly. “Why?”

Aaron couldn’t tear his gaze away from Ed, from the truth that was staring him in the face. Nodding, he said, “I promised I’d keep it safe, his ring. It’s the last thing he asked me to do for him. So I did.”

“Safe…” Ed murmured, scowling at Aaron. “You said you lost everything in the fire.”

Aaron looked away, blinking furiously. It was no lie, he _had_ lost everything in the Mill fire. Not just things, but the space in which he had Robert had made good memories, had dreamed of a future together, had for a while raised a family together. Aaron had lost way more than just things in that fire. 

“You said you lost everything,” Ed said again, holding up the box. “But not these?”

“I went back for them,” Aaron said, looking into curious brown eyes, watching that gaze morph from questioning to confused. 

“Went back for them…” Ed said, his frown deepening. “What do you mean you went back?”

His expression went slack and his gaze lowered to Aaron’s arm, to that scarred spot under the sleeves of his jacket and top. 

“You went back for them,” Ed said quietly. He let out a huff of quiet laughter, his eyes shining bright. “You went back for these when the Mill was on fire.”

Aaron scowled, trying to forget that mad dash. It wasn’t about the rings, not really. It was about a box of things filled with pieces of his heart. He grabbed it and ran, dropping it when his sleeve caught fire and making do with the few items he could scoop up and grab before noticing the figure lying unconscious on the floor. 

“Liv wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t,” Aaron said. 

“But this isn’t about Liv,” Ed said, looking deflated and done, his hand falling to his side, the ring box still in its grip. “It’s about you running into a burning building to save something that belonged to your ex-husband.”

“What do you want me to say?” Aaron said, shaking his head. “I'm sorry? My home was burning down, the home Robert made for me and Liv. My head was all over the place. It felt like I was losing him all over again. So yeah, I ran in there to save a bunch of things that matter to no one but me. And yeah, maybe it’s because I’m as tapped as you think I am. But I’m glad I did. Because it means Liv’s alive. Because...it meant I met you again. And no matter what you think, I _love_ you.”

Ed closed his eyes, shaking his head and letting out a laugh. When he looked at Aaron again, it was with sadness and defeat. “Yeah. But not like you love him.”

“And I don’t love him the way I love you,” Aaron said with frustration. “It’s not a competition.”

Ed held up the rings. “Bin these then. He’s not in prison anymore. He doesn’t need you to keep these _safe_ for him.”

Aaron looked at the box, remembered the warmth of the ring as he slipped it on to his own finger, warm still from Robert who had sat before him like a ghost of himself. 

“Fine. I’ll do it for you,” Ed said as he stepped towards the kitchen. 

Aaron didn’t realised he had moved until he heard the slap of his own hand over Ed’s fist, his grip tight. They stared at each other, Aaron shifting through grief, regret and heartbreak in a matter of seconds, Ed’s expression going from shock to hurt to just sad. 

“Don’t,” Aaron said quietly. 

Ed pulled his hand away and looked at the ring box in his hand before letting it drop to the floor and walking away. Aaron watched him pick up his hoodie, moving towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Aaron asked. 

“I’ll be back for my stuff tomorrow,” Ed said, not looking at him. “Don’t be here.”

“You don’t have to leave,” Aaron said, following close behind. He reached out for Ed’s arm, imploring, “ _Ed_.”

Ed threw off Aaron’s arm as he stopped by the door and turned to look at him with tears in pinked eyes. “No? What am I supposed to do? Stay? Kiss and make up with someone who couldn’t throw two bits of metal away for me? You think we can wake up tomorrow morning and just carry on, when I _know_ you want him?”

Aaron scowled, taking a step back, the look on Ed’s face as good as a shove. 

“Look at ya. You’re not even putting up a fight,” Ed said quietly. “Just throwing the game.”

“I’m sorry,” Aaron said, swatting away more tears. “I never meant to hurt-”

“ _Shut up_. Just shut up, Aaron.” Ed said, his breath hitching, tears finally running down his cheeks, brushed away immediately. He took a shaky breath and said, “I gotta go. I can’t be here.”

Ed left with a slam of the door, leaving Aaron shaking where he stood. Aaron looked around the room which seemed like a gaping hole from Ed’s departure. On the floor, the ring box looked like a bright red daub on a dark painting. Aaron went to it as if following a beacon, picking it up off the floor and just staring at it. 

_Did you try it on? Your ring. Just to remember what it was like being married to him?_

Aaron grimaced, throwing the box hard across the room, not caring where it hit, as it sent something clattering to the floor. Exhausted, he sunk into the armchair where Ed had sat waiting for him, hunching over and covering his face as he broke down.


	24. Chapter 24

Robert cracked open his eyes to a too white room. The sun seemed to be shining from practically on top of him. He looked in the direction of the window to find the light was so strong he couldn’t make out the shape of the frame or where the drapes started as they billowed mildly, dancing just above the floor, as if swept up on the soft sound of music playing quietly on the radio. 

He wasn’t alone in the room. There was a shape made dark by the light, moving around the place, chattering quietly, obscured until Robert scowled hard in his direction, seeing Aaron emerge from a blur. He climbed onto their bed, looking down at Robert with a soft indulgent smile. Aaron looked so happy, all the way up into the blues of his warm eyes. It was one of his rare smiles, content and peaceful.

“You’re here,” Robert murmured, confused.

“Don’t you want me to be here?” Aaron asked, tilting his head as if it somehow made him see deeper into Robert's heart.

“‘Course I do,” Robert answered. 

Bells chimed somewhere behind Rober. He twisted away from Aaron to find their source, finding nothing, closing his eyes tight against the noise until his hand finally remembered how to move and thrashed out towards the direction of the ringing.

Robert opened his eyes, reaching for his phone, finding it and grabbing it from the bedside table. He turned the alarm off with a jab of his finger, staring at the screen in realisation of the fact that he had slept through the alarm's blaring for some time. That was an entire night's uninterrupted sleep.

He frowned and lay back, blinking up at nothing, trying to catch wisps of the dream that had left him warmed all the way through. It felt so real, as if he and Aaron really had been somewhere in a bubble of their own. Somewhere it all went right, Robert told himself. 

_Couldn’t that be the future,_ the devil on his shoulder asked. 

_You’ll ruin him_ , replied the angel. 

Sitting up with a heavy sigh, he his legs up under the duvet, leaning against his knees. Looking in the direction of the window and the bright sunny sky on the other side, he thought of the lane below, that house a few doors down where Ed got to wake up with Aaron every day. Robert had that once, to be lucky enough to wake up with someone he loved. Now, all he had were memories and the desperate conjurings of his mind. 

In prison, he hadn’t stopped thinking about Aaron, about the life Robert had lost with him. He imagined that moving away would be the same. Robert would be out there somewhere and his heart would be here, buried in the burnt out rubble of their old life. 

*****

It was the unseasonable chill that woke Aaron from his broken sleep. He shivered and opened his eyes, the memory of the day before slamming into him with cruel clarity. He remained lying on the sofa where he had fallen asleep in the early hours of the morning, starting the day as he had ended it, with tears that sprung at the thought of...everything. 

He couldn’t see the road ahead. It was all so messed up.

Robert had gone and come back, only to decide he’d be leaving again. Ed had come back, only for Aaron to push him away again. Aaron had only gone and proved Gordon right. He _was_ hard to love. Right now, he find it hard to even like himself, let alone have someone love him.

People never stayed. With good reason.

A key entered the lock of the front door and Aaron jumped up from the sofa, eyes wide with expectation, surprise, hope. He swallowed hard when he saw Ed walk in looking the way Aaron felt. Like Aaron, he was dishevelled and still in yesterday’s clothes. His eyes seemed strange and small, dark shadows beneath them. 

Aaron started to move towards him and then went still, rooting himself to the spot. His voice was thick when he said, “I wasn’t expecting you so early.”

“It’s half-nine,” Ed said quietly with a tired little shrug.

Aaron scowled, nodding. “Um...where did you stay last night?”

“Hotten,” Ed said. “With Kev. You’ve met him.”

 _Snidey Kev,_ Aaron had nicknamed him once, making Ed laugh and look just a little delighted that Aaron seemed jealous. 

“So…” Aaron started quietly.

“Just going to pick up a few things,” Ed said, a little too quick. “Anything else, I can send for later. There’s not much to be honest.”

Aaron nodded, the quiver that shook his mouth and chin beating his resolve to not come across as self-pitying. He blew out a shaky breath as he swatted away tears that felt hot and angry. 

Sniffing, he asked, “That’s it then, is it?”

Ed shoved his hands into his pockets, hunching up his shoulders, his lips clamped tight as he nodded. After a moment he answered with a quiet, “Isn’t it?”

Aaron rubbed at his face, to wipe away the sting of the wetness and out of frustration. “Look, the rings-”

“It’s not about the rings, mate,” Ed said softly, looking somewhere into his mind even if his eyes were on Aaron. “It’s the way you’ve been ever since he came back. It’s like...you’re not really here. You talk and walk and smile, but you’re somewhere else. With him.”

“I told you. I never cheated-”

“Yeah it’s not about being physical,” Ed told him with a little more force. “It’s being with one person and having someone else in your head. In your heart. I _swear_ , sometimes when we’re alone, I feel like he’s here with us. Fine, I get ya, you love me and you love him, and it’s different. Fine. But can you tell me honestly, that you don’t _want_ him more than you want me?”

Aaron’s mouth worked around the ice of the word _no_ , his mouth opening but remaining silent. Feebly, he offered up, “Robert and I had our chance. I’m choosing you aren’t I?”

“You’re choosing me because...you’ve had your chance,” Ed said slowly. “Should put that on Valentine's card.”

Ed sighed, deflating where he stood. He rubbed his face with both hands before walking through the living room into the kitchen, opening and shutting drawers until he found a roll of bin liners. He looked annoyed when he turned back to find Aaron in front of him. 

“Aaron, I’m done with this,” he said. “I just want my stuff.”

“You don’t care about your stuff,” Aaron said. “You could get that snidey mate of yours to pick it up whenever. You came here for _me_. Because you _love_ me.”

Ed frowned at Aaron. “Why are you trying to fix this? Don’t you get it? There’s no getting past this.”

“‘Cause I _need_ ya,” Aaron said, his voice sticking in his throat. He shook his head, thinking back to a bleaker time. “I was...so _miserable_. And then you turned up and I felt like I could breathe again and it was like...like we never broke up. Like France was yesterday. Like...everything is ahead of us and...everything’s okay.”

Aaron looked away from Ed’s inquisitive gaze, sniffing back the wet gloop of misery at the back of his nose. 

“But we did break up,” Ed said quietly. “We broke up and we grew up. And everything that’s happened since...it happened. You can’t hide in the past, Aaron. And you can’t use me to do it.”

Aaron blew out a breath, miserably looking up at Ed. “I don’t want to lose you from my life. I know this is all my fault, I’m to blame. But…”

“Don’t ask me if you and I are gonna be friends,” Ed said with a shuddering laugh that sounded painful. His mouth turned down unhappily. “‘Cause I hate you right now. I _really_ hate you.”

His voice shook and tears filled his eyes and Aaron felt his gut roll with guilt for forcing Ed to lay himself so bare.

Aaron nodded, looking away. “I know.”

“Go to your mum’s. I’ll text you when I’m done,” Ed said, sounding done. Aaron stared at him through a new rising wall of tears, opening his mouth without knowing how he could object. Ed cut it off with a shake of his head. “I don’t want you here when I leave. You don’t get to do that to me. Make me say goodbye to ya, make me go through all this again and again. Just go, Aaron. Please.”

Aaron nodded, backing away. His throat feeling constricted, his lips feeling as if they hadn’t an ounce of strength in them, he managed to weakly tell Ed, “I’m sorry.”

Ed answered with a tip up of his chin as he sucked his bottom lip in, his jaw working tightly, his tears somehow clinging to his eyes instead of running down his face. His voice gave away his grief though, a rough wreck of a sound as he said, “Yeah. Me too.”

Walking past Aaron, Ed disappeared up the stairs, his footsteps quick and purposeful. Aaron stood there numbly just staring at nothing, beginning to feel the fingers of cold reality creep up his skin. He walked out of the house feeling numb, his mind tricking him into thinking it was years ago again and he was the one ending it with Ed, telling him he loved him, leaving him all the same.

He somehow found his way into the living room in the Woolpack where Paddy and his mum were at the dining table, both of them having a giggle fit about something. They went abruptly silent as soon as he appeared, their smiles freezing and waning at the sight of him. 

“Aaron,” Paddy said, looking worried. “What is it?”

But Aaron was looking at Chas, having uttered a broken ‘ _mum_ ’ and she was already moving across the room, arms reaching out and pulling him towards her, holding him close as he hid his face in her shoulder and cried over the mess he’d made.

*****

Robert had plans. He was working his way through a list, dealing first with his compensation claim which was looking to bring him a tidy some. Then there was the case of his other assets, which would keep him going for a while yet. Not to mention, if he was to leave, maybe he could get Jimmy to buy his share in the haulage business and free up some more cash. Money seemed like an easy objective. He knew how to make it, he knew what it meant, and he knew what it could get you. 

That left finding a place to live. That seemed a more daunting prospect. A part of his mind insisted he deserved no more than the cell he had been kept in for nearly three years. Another part of his mind, one that remembered a burning barn and the loss of his mother, insisted he deserved so much more. He’d let them fight it out for a while before making whatever mistake he was bound to make. 

Robert finished firing off a confirmation email about seeing a flat in Hotten just as Vic walked in, a quizzical look on her face. Robert frowned at her. “Alright? Harry get off to nursery okay?

“Yeah, fine,” Vic said, still looking confused. “I just saw Ed. He was coming out of his and Aaron’s. With black bin bags, putting them into the boot of his car.”

Robert pocketed his phone and turned his attention fully on Vic. “Right?”

Vic made a face. “Well, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so down. I waved at him, he barely noticed me. I think something’s happened over there.”

“Like what?” Robert said, simultaneously thinking _damn it, Aaron._

“What do you think?” Vic asked quietly. She sat down on the arm of the sofa, hands clasped in her lap. “Rob. The second you came back it was over between them.”

“Yeah, which is why I’ve decided to leave,” Robert said. “This doesn’t change anything.”

“Doesn’t it?” Vic asked, her brows almost climbing up into her hair. “It’s another chance, Robert. It’s not like you don’t know that Aaron loves ya.”

“He’s an idiot,” Robert said, shaking his head. “He’s an idiot if he’s giving up on this for me.”

Robert got up, moving towards the door, Vic following close behind, grabbing a hold of his arm. “Where are you doing?”

“To find out what’s going on. To talk some sense into him,” Robert said.

“Are you really that scared, Robert?” Vic asked with a frown. “What’s the worst that could happen if you and Aaron got back together?”

Robert looked at her, the waters of fear lapping against the insides of his chest. Robert wasn’t stupid, he didn’t think of dreams as a sign of things to come. He knew they were made of hopes and fears. But now and then he thought of that black casket being carried away in a carriage and Robert standing by Aaron’s grave. 

“Whatever hasn’t happened yet,” he said. 

Robert left Vic looking confused, out of the house and headed towards the silver Honda Civic outside Aaron’s. There was Ed, shoving at the bags in the boot to make them fit before checking his phone and firing off a text.

“Going somewhere?” Robert asked as he approached, not feeling anywhere as nonchalant as he was forcing himself to be. 

Ed stiffened, went still and then shut boot before he slowly turned to look at Robert. He looked awful and Robert’s stomach clenched with worry. 

“Yeah, something like that,” Ed said in a muted version of his laid back style. The line of his mouth hardened and he said nothing else, leaving them both standing there staring at each other in silence.

Robert finally cracked. “Has something happened? With you and Aaron?” 

“Why don’t you ask him?” Ed asked. “He'll be back soon.”

Ed turned and headed towards the driver side of the car, reaching for the door. Robert clenched his jaw to keep back the words in his mouth, but desperation forced them out all the same. “You’re making a mistake. Walking away from him.”

Ed looked at him, his gaze full of quiet assessment. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Robert said with a nod. “I don’t know what he’s said to you, but...me and him are done. I’ve got one foot outside this village. I won’t be here, reminding him, reminding _you_ of the past. You have a chance to make this work and you’re an idiot if you don’t take it.”

Ed seemed unmoved. "Works out nicely for you though. Looks like you might have one more chance after all."

Robert shook his head. “I’m not what he needs.”

“No,” Ed said with a nod, his gaze moving in the direction of the pub before moving back to Robert. “But you are what he wants.”

Ed heavily pulled the door open. One foot in the car, he briefly looked in the direction of his and Aaron’s home. Then without another word he climbed into his car, door slamming and engine starting up. Robert stepped back and watched Ed drive away so fast he may as well have been a trick of the light. 

*****

“Will you let me go talk to him, love?” Chas asked, hovering by the sofa, whilst Paddy sat by the dining table, watching Aaron with a worried dent in his brow. 

Aaron looked at the screen of his phone and the simple message Ed had sent him: **Finished**

“No point,” Aaron said, putting his phone on the coffee table. “He’s gone.”

“Gone?” Paddy balked. “You mean _gone_ gone?”

“No, Paddy, he means gone for a walk. Yes, _gone_ ,” Chas snapped. 

Paddy, unfazed by the outburst, gave Aaron a pained look. “I know...I know you’re upset, but...maybe this is for the best.”

Chas spun to look at him with a furious wide-eyed look. “I’m sorry?”

Paddy made an exasperated sound and stood up. “Oh look at him, will ya? Look how he’s been since Robert got back. Chas, it was a matter of time. You _know_ that.”

His mum rounded the coffee table to go sit right next to him. She took his hand in hers and said, “You and Ed-”

“Are done, Mum,” Aaron said quietly.

“You can’t be,” Chas said, sounding as if she was trying to convince herself. 

Aaron looked at Chas, telling her, “He found our weddings rings, mine and Robert’s. Asked me to bin them. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it because it’s not over. It _never_ is. I kept telling myself it was, that it has to be because I can’t go through losing him again. But...this is as good as, isn’t it? Seeing him and not being with him.”

“But you _love_ Ed,” Chas implored. “And he loves _you_.”

Aaron grimaced, shaking his head and finally admitting to himself, “It’s not enough.”

His mum’s face seemed to pale as she looked at Paddy, both of them sharing a quiet look that spoke volumes to each other. 

“So what does that mean?” Paddy asked. 

Aaron shrugged. “Doesn’t mean anything, does it? Because Robert’s leaving and why not? We’re as bad together as we are apart.”

“That’s not how I remember it.” Aaron twisted around to see Liv standing in the doorway, a large rucksack hanging off her shoulder. 

“Liv,” he said, voice cracking as he got up to face her. 

“ _My life’s a disaster without him_ , that’s what you said, wasn’t it?” Liv asked him quietly. “Well, from the sound of things, looks like nothing much has changed. Question is, what are you going to do about it?”

Fresh tears sprung in Aaron’s eyes as Liv offered him a soft smile before dumping her rucksack, coming forward and hugging him tight. 


	25. Chapter 25

An errant tear slipped from the corner of Aaron’s eye and over the bridge of his nose, making its way towards the pillowcase. He knew he was wallowing, but it wasn’t as if he’d any plans for the weekend, besides having a boyfriend and some kind of normal life. Obviously, that was cancelled.

He’d have to make a move at some point though as Liv was staying over and the last thing he needed was to make her regret coming home. He could hear her downstairs, chattering away to someone on the phone, the radio on in the background because who even needed their hearing.

It was a relief she had her own stuff going on. Aaron wasn’t exactly great company. It had helped that they spent most of the day before, being fed and watered at the pub, making their way back to Dale view late afternoon. Robert’s car had been missing outside Keeper’s. Aaron wondered if he knew about Ed, hating himself a little for wondering at all. What did it matter what Robert thought? He’d made up his mind hadn’t he?

The evening dragged on quietly, making Aaron feel guilty that all he had to offer Liv was his misery. But she took it in her stride, smiling when she talked about university and her friends, mocking Aaron for creating a mini-Mill in his home, and being kind enough to not bring up Ed or Robert. 

It was with relief that Aaron went to bed, shutting the door behind him, just standing there leaning against it for a while. He felt lost. The last time things ended with Ed, Aaron had been a wreck until he landed on English soil and a sense of purpose took over, his life with Ed receding behind him. This time…

He just missed him. Missed his solid presence. Missed his infectious smile. Just _missed_ him. Aaron hadn’t wanted to lose Ed. Ed had brought calm to his life. Made the future seem possible. Now that certainty was gone. As was the strength Aaron had been using to keep himself upright. Now all he had was himself alone with all his demons. 

He shook off that thought and climbed into bed wearing the same jeans and top he’d had on the entire day. Strange how he could do that, climb into their bed knowing Ed would no longer be there. 

_Strange eh?_ That was a smug voice at the back of his head that knew him all too well. 

Ed had always slept on Aaron’s right. It was funny because Aaron had always considered it his side of the bed. Aaron had taken the other side, _the empty side_ , his mind had supplied, _Robert’s side._ Back on his proper side of the bed, Aaron looked at the empty space next to him and wondered how the bed didn’t feel empty because of Ed, but because of someone else. 

Maybe it had been empty all this time and Aaron just hadn’t noticed. 

_Screw you_ , Aaron thought angrily at Robert. No one had the right to have such a hold over someone’s heart. Especially someone like Robert who did as he pleased, whether it was ruining other people’s lives or ruining his own. _Idiot_ , Aaron thought heatedly and miserably, _I would have gone anywhere with him_. But no, off Robert went, throwing away his freedom like it meant nothing. 

Like...like _he_ meant nothing. 

A trickle of fresh tears spilled onto the pillow and this time Aaron didn’t even know why. For himself? For Ed? For that idiot ex-husband of his? Aaron sniffed, wiping his face on his sleeve. He could hear Liv thumping her way up the stairs. God, she’d be forty one day and still thump her way up the stairs like an angry little bear. 

Aaron made sure his eyes were dry and schooled his expression just as she knocked on the door and called out, “Aaron? You awake?”

“Yeah, come in,” he said, his voice sounding wobbly weak. He couldn’t have looked good because she opened the door and just blinked at him sadly. 

“You alright?” she asked. He nodded at her. It seemed better than speaking and giving away how alright he wasn’t. “Think you might be up soon? Only Chas has been asking and if she has to ask again, it’ll be in person.”

Aaron offered up a tired smile. “I’m up.”

Liv opened her mouth to say something, taking a tentative breath...and then just stopping. She pointed over her shoulder. “I’m going to pop out for some milk. Want anything?”

Aaron shook his head. “Thanks.”

“Okay,” she said with a nod. Then pointing at him she ordered, “Better not still be in bed when I get back.”

She was about to leave when he called out, “Liv.”

She frowned at him. “Yeah.”

“Thanks. For coming home,” he said quietly. “I missed ya.”

She smiled. “I missed you too. I’m going to go get that milk.”

Off she thumped down the stairs, clicking something back into place with every step she took. But what about the other pieces? Pieces that seemed even more prominently out of place. 

*****

Robert had his eyes on the TV screen but his mind was completely all over the place, his teeth almost biting down on the back of his knuckles. This time yesterday he’d seen Ed drive out of Aaron’s life, clearing the path for...what exactly? _Something_ , his heart insisted. But his mind was cool and cruel and immediately threw up remembrances of everything left in the wake of his and Aaron’s relationship. 

He’d hurt so many people, told so many lies, and it wasn’t always to hide his reality from the world, sometimes it was just to hold onto Aaron. Why did he have to go see Aaron before his wedding? Because Robert wanted him. Why did he risk his life with Chrissie when it gave him all the security he had ever wanted? Because he needed Aaron. Why did he get drunk and go after Rebecca when he _knew_ he was ruining everything he had with Aaron? Because he loved Aaron painfully, foolishly and recklessly. 

He’d hurt _so_ many people. Hurt Aaron _so_ many times. What right did he have to keep going back and trying again and again? That last time, that was meant to be _it_. He’d be truthful, faithful and reliable, everything that Aaron valued. He’d never cheat again, he’d never lie, and he’d love Aaron with every atom of his being, those were the promises he had made to himself. 

In the end, he forgot it all in a red haze of anger. Aaron had asked him to choose: Lee or Aaron. Robert hadn’t even seen himself make the wrong choice. 

Those last few weeks they had together were torture. Freedom was freedom and prison was prison, but that in between space between the two was purgatory. Robert had felt every second tick by waiting for Lee’s next move, whether it was death or disability. Five years he told himself, that he could do. Five years would never be five years in totality. He’d be out in less than half. 

Only Lee Posner went and died seemingly at Robert’s hands, ruining his family’s life for one last time. 

He’d spent all his nights in bed imagining a two-and-half-year wait to come home. He'd imagined seeing Aaron again, waiting for him outside. He imagined going home to the Mill and wondering which parts of his offensive decor Aaron might have changed. He spent night upon night constructing a future to come back to, only to find out there was none. 

For almost three years, he spent his nights in his cell with only memories and no dreams of the future. Some nights he lay there remembering with wide-eyes fixed on the too close ceiling. It was a cold kind of remembering, detached and without feeling, like watching a TV screen. Other nights, he lay on his side, burrowed into his blanket and pillow, eyes shut tight, forcing his mind back in time, travelling to moments he held dear, forcing his skin to remember the way Aaron touched him, sometimes pushy sometimes fond, sometimes like he might never let go again. 

For almost three years he told himself there was no future to dream about, all he had to keep him company was the best of the past.

And yet, here he was selfishly wondering, _what if?_

A banging on the front door cut that thought short. It couldn’t be Vic. She had disappeared off to Hotten Library early morning. Wasn’t Cain. Surprisingly he didn’t have such a heavy handed and annoying knock.

“Coming!” Robert called out, pulling the door open way too hard and then just freezing at the sight of the bright mischievous grin that was being aimed at him. He smiled brightly all the way into his heart. "Liv."

She didn’t say hello. She just stepped forward and hugged him exactly the same as when she had said goodbye and Robert wished more than ever to return to that life he had three years ago. 

*****

The knocking at the door wasn’t a surprise. His mum could never leave well enough alone. But at least Aaron had been able to have a shower and get changed. That would be enough to convince her for now that he wasn’t hurtling back down towards some dark place. What she didn’t know was there weren't many dark places left to go. 

Jackson was gone and Aaron was stuck living with playing his part in Jackson’s death and all the guilt that went with it. Gordon was gone and what he had done to Aaron would always hurt, but he was _gone_ and he could never hurt Aaron again. Robert...Robert could only find so many ways to break Aaron’s heart. Even he must have run out of new ways. 

Aaron pulled the door open to stop the knocking with an irritated, “Alright, _what_?”

“Charming,” Vic said, nicely working her way into becoming a village biddy. She didn’t wait to be invited in, walking straight through and dumping a big ridiculous bag on one of the armchairs, sitting down on the sofa and patting the seat next to her. 

Aaron deflated where he stood, rolling his eyes at her. “Vic. I’m not in the mood for this.”

“I’m asking for a chat, not your life story,” Vic said with age-old sensitivity. 

Aaron gave the door a gentle push and let it shut, walking around the sofa to go sit in the free armchair, landing with a tired thump. “Look, I’m fine, okay? You don’t need to worry-”

“You are an idiot, Aaron Dingle,” Vic said calmly and with a little smile. He frowned at her. She was taking a very odd route towards sympathy even for her. “And so is that half-wit ex of yours, moping around like he’s been told his hair's about to fall out. He worries about that, what with Dad going-"

" _Vic_."

"What is the matter with the pair of yous?" she said, scarily back on track immediately. She gestured towards him. "I mean, really, what is worse than _this_?”

Aaron tried not to look too offended at being called _this_ whatever _this_ was, asking, “You done?”

“How can I be with you two about?” Vic asked, throwing her hands up, ratcheting up Aaron’s irritation a notch. Scowling fiercely she said, “Aaron, bad things happen. You know that. He knows that. Doesn’t mean you decide to not go after what makes you happy just because you think you might lose it again.”

“It’s not like that,” Aaron said roughly.

“Isn’t it?” Vic asked. “What then? What’s stopping you two from trying again? _Especially_ now. There is literally nothing stopping ya. Aaron, you wanna see the state of him. I can’t bear it.”

“And how do you think I feel, eh?” Aaron snapped, springing to his feet. “You think it’s easy for me? Losing him the way I did? We were _happy_. We had a home, a family. We were gonna have more kids. And I just...I just _lost_ it all because he...because he’s such an _idiot_.”

He hid his face behind his hands, choking on his words as Vic got up to hug him. She sniffed wetly as she told him, “He is. I’m not disagreeing with ya.”

They separated after a moment, Aaron taking a few embarrassed seconds to wipe his face under Vic’s too sympathetic gaze. He shook his head, “I hate it. I hate that he can still make me feel like this.”

“Like what?” Vic asked softly.

Aaron grimaced, unanchored by grief and anger uncoiling inside him and leaving him shaken. “ _Scared_.”

“Of what? Him?” Vic asked, looking baffled.

Shaking his head, he took a breath to centre himself. “Of how much I love him. How I can’t stand the thought of being with him and losing him again. I can’t do it again. You have no idea what it took from me.”

“So...what?” Vic asked. “You’re not even going to try to hold onto him? Just going to play it safe? Mess around some poor sod who falls in love with you while you keep wondering what might have happened if you had one more chance? That’s your plan, is it?”

“Just leave it, Vic,” Aaron said. 

“No, I will not _leave it_ , Aaron,” Vic said. “Because I love you. You are my best friend. And he’s my brother who is sitting around like he’s just found out he’s dying. He should be over the moon Ed’s out of the way, scheming his way back into your life, but no, he’s sitting around miserable because he’s already decided to give up _and_ he’s already regretting it.”

“He knows,” Aaron said with a shrug. “He knows where this’ll end. A mess. Like always.”

“I thought that was your thing, weren’t it?” Vic said. “I mean, you two don’t exactly do normal, do ya? Why start now?”

Aaron shook his head. “You don’t get it.”

“What? What don’t I get? That you’re still hurting? That you weren’t ready to lose the love of your life and then you did?” Vic asked, her voice thick with tears. “I do though, don’t I? Only Adam never came back. I never got another chance. You do. And if you don’t take it, you’ll be exactly as miserable as you’re scared of being. He loves you, Aaron. He loves you _so_ much. Don’t throw that away because you’re scared. You’re stronger than that, I know you are.”

Aaron shook his head, not having it for a second. She had no idea. He felt anything but strong. 

*****

Robert placed the cup of tea in front of Liv and sat down. “How’s uni? Good?”

“Great, now that I don’t have to mess around with numbers anymore,” she answered with a wry smile. “How about you? You look good. I was expecting tattoos. Maybe a crew cut.”

“Shut up,” Robert said with a quiet laugh, making Liv grin. Silence slowly fell between them, unspoken subjects making their presence felt. Robert said. “I heard about Ed.”

Liv nodded. “Yeah? Thought you’d be 'round knocking on the door in no time yesterday.”

“Things to do,” Robert replied evenly. 

“Like?”

“Viewing a flat if you must know,” he said. "Just outside Hotten."

“Nice is it?” Liv asked. “When you moving in?”

“What are you doing here, Liv?” Robert asked. 

“What are _you_ doing?” Liv asked. “Ed’s gone. You’ve got a clear shot. Not that it would have made any difference if Ed had stayed. Just matter of time. Always is with you two.”

Robert clenched his jaw at that observation, tightly telling her, “Not this time.”

“Well, you owe him,” Liv said.

Robert stared at her, letting out a surprised laugh. “What?”

“ _You_ messed up,” Liv said with a nod. “You messed up with Lee and Aaron had to pay for it. We all had to pay for it. So…you owe him. You should be over there, making it up to him. Promising him that you won’t...won’t just leave us like that again.”

Liv’s terseness had fizzled away to a childish demand accompanied by a sheen appearing across her eyes. “Liv-”

“No,” Liv said thickly. “Don’t. Because I’m still angry at ya. Everything was perfect, Robert. It was perfect. Then you were gone and...you didn’t see him, how he was, what he was doing to himself. You didn't see.”

She angrily swatted away her tears, picking up her cup of tea, taking a few careful sips. 

Robert watched her, floating somewhere above the both of them, away from all the hurt. “I’m no good for him, Liv. He and Ed were happy. Until I ruined it all just by being here.”

“Ed didn’t leave just because you’re here though, did he?” Liv said quietly. “He left because his boyfriend was still hanging onto a pair of wedding rings from his last marriage. Rings he saved from a burning building.”

Robert stared at her, his mind stunned into silence as all at once a ton of unwanted memories hit him square in the face. Memories of burning buildings, of hospitals, of scars. Of that last time he wore his wedding ring, before returning it to Aaron, telling him to keep it safe. 

Robert swallowed, tremors cascading through him. “I thought he ran in there looking for you.”

Liv was watching him quietly and closely. He thought he saw a flicker of guilt in her eyes and wondered if it was because she had realised her mistake, or regretted her decision to tell him that titbit of information. 

“He found me _because_ he went in there for the box. Lucky really. I told him that morning I'd be out,” she said, her gaze somewhere in the past, “I mean, imagine if he had moved on, gotten rid of those rings. You’d probably be visiting me in the local cemet-”

Robert sprung to his feet, stopping her talking mid-sentence, staring at her as his mind tried to unpick the reality she had just woven into existence. She slowly got up from the armchair she had been sprawled in, watching him carefully, cheeks turning pink, as if she was _now_ worried about crossing lines, pushing boundaries. 

“Rob?”

Robert turned away, grabbing his blazer and stalking out of the room, Liv following him down the hall and out of the house.

“Robert, where you going?” Liv shouted as he hurried on ahead of her. “Robert, stop!”

He got into his car, slamming the door shut, sitting there trying to remember to breathe, his hands gripping the steering wheel. Liv knocked her fist on the window of the passenger side door. “Robert!”

But he couldn’t look at her. He couldn’t even think, his mind clouded with black, his heart in panic. He started the engine. Not looking at Liv, he put his foot down and drove away as fast as possible. 

*****

They were sitting in quiet, Aaron balancing on the edge of frustration and defeat, Vic watching him quietly and a little guiltily. She sighed and said, “Look...I just...I don’t want to lose him again, and if he leaves, that’s how it’ll feel.”

“I never asked him to leave,” Aaron said, sounding childish to his own ears. He scowled, blurting out, “I told him-”

Vic was watching him carefully. “What?”

“I told him I didn’t want him to go,” Aaron said weakly. 

Vic’s eyes went wide as saucers. “And?”

Aaron grimaced at the memory of how that seemed to strengthen Robert’s resolve. “He said all the more reason to go.”

“He thinks it’ll make you happy," Vic said with a pained look.

“How can he think that?” Aaron balked at the idea. “How can he know what he knows about us and think I could be happy without him? I mean...what’s it going to take to get it into his thick skull that _nothing_ makes me happy the way he does?”

Vic offered him a small smile, quietly telling him, “I don’t know. But at least you know what makes you happy. Be a shame if you let it go just because you were scared that sometimes happiness doesn’t last.”

Aaron wanted to go back on his words, if only to unhear himself saying them, because now they were ringing in his head. Now they were prodding at him, asking him what was worse, living unhappily in fear, or being fearlessly happy for whatever few moments the fates allowed?

He opened his mouth to make more excuses for Vic’s benefit, but Liv came rushing into the house, not bothering to take Aaron’s keys out of the lock, leaving them dangling there and leaving the door wide open.

She saw Vic and came to a stop. "Vic."

Vic got up, going to her with a beaming smile and squeezing her hand. “Finally. I was beginning to forget what you look like.”

Liv seemed quiet and tense. Aaron got up, asking her, “Alright? What happened to the milk?”

“Liv? You okay?” Vic asked.

“It’s Robert," Liv told Vic. "He’s just driven off somewhere.”

Aaron processed that for a second whilst Vic’s expression turned to worry. “What do you mean he’s just driven off somewhere?"

“We were talking.” Liv looked at Aaron. “I...I told him.”

“What?” Liv looked reluctant to share and Aaron felt panic kicking in. He asked more firmly, “ _Liv_. What did you tell him?”

“Why you ran into the fire,” she said. “He looked really upset. Bolted.”

“Oh God, Robert,” Vic said, well ahead of Aaron in panic mode. She stuck her hand into the pocket of her hoodie and pulled out her phone, bringing up Robert’s number and calling. Aaron watched her with bated breath. He didn’t need her to tell him anything though, the call forwarding message loud enough for him to hear. Vic held up the phone to him. “Now what?”

“Go wait at Keeper’s in case he comes back,” Aaron said, moving towards the coat rack for his jacket. 

“Where are you going?” Liv asked. 

“See if I can find him,” Aaron said, already moving. “If he comes back or calls you, phone me, yeah?”

“Yeah, okay,” Vic said, tearfully asking, “Aaron, what-”

Aaron turned back from the front door, going to Vic, taking her by her shoulders. “Oi, he’s fine. He probably just needed some space. Okay?”

He gave her a hug, catching sight of Liv over Vic’s shoulder. They shared a look, his telling her there was a conversation to be had in the future, hers typically accepting in Liv style. He swallowed down the lump in his throat, shaking his head at her and pulling back from Vic.

“Be right back yeah?” Aaron said, Vic nodding at him. Aaron ran from the house as quick as his legs could carry him.

*****

Robert heard Aaron before he saw him.

His car screeched to a stop somewhere behind Robert, the door opening and slamming shut. Aaron must have been uncertain, because he seemed to be doing nothing for a while.

Finally Robert heard his footsteps and then Aaron was walking around the Porsche to where Robert was perched on the edge of the bonnet. Aaron stopped in front of him, scowling at Robert, at the car, at the sunny fields across the lane. God, he'd scowl at his scowl if he could.

"Robert. What's going on?" Aaron asked, face full of scowl. "Liv said you just took off. Why...why are you here?"

Robert glanced at Aaron and then at everything around them. He hadn't meant to come to the lay-by. He had meant to keep driving. But the car slowed down and came to a stop, his feet and hands acting against his will.

"Didn't mean to be," Robert said. "Meant to drive by. Keep on driving."

By the look of how Aaron's body stiffened, adding half an inch of pure annoyance to his height, he didn't like that answer. But then he was frowning, curiosity taking over. "Look, I don't know what Liv said, but-"

"You didn't run into a burning building to save a pair of poxy rings?" Robert said heatedly. "Your life mean that little to you, does it?” 

“Yeah, well, you’re one to talk,” Aaron said tightly. “ _Fourteen_ years you got sent down for, throwing it all away because you wanted to do the _right_ thing.”

“We’re not talking about me,” Robert said.

“Well we should be!” Aaron snapped, the blues of his eyes flame hot. “You made me happy, Robert, happier than I’ve _ever_ been. I had a home, a husband, a _family_. And you just took it all away, and you binned your own life while you were at it. For what? That scumbag?”

Aaron stopped, running out of steam it seemed, standing there with a tear-stained pink face, glaring daggers at Robert with pain-filled eyes, mouth clamped shut against harsher words. 

Robert felt his anger buckle at the sight of Aaron. He wanted to reach out and comfort him, but...he grimaced, frustrated, tears stinging his eyes. Weakly he said, “I could have lost you in that fire. You and Liv...”

Aaron frowned, his pain replaced by concern for Robert so quick it left Robert dizzy. Aaron moved a little closer. Robert flinched at the movement, not meaning to, stopping Aaron where he was. "You didn't. We're still here, Robert. I'm _still_ here."

There was no end to the kindness in Aaron’s gaze. He could stop being angry, but he could never stop being kind. Robert couldn't take his eyes off him. Aaron’s hair was a little longer and unkempt on top, the stubble was just a little on the messy side. The blues of his eyes still made something in Robert’s chest shake, whilst warming him to his core. He made Robert's heart beat so hard it hurt.

Aaron too was watching Robert. It should have been unnerving, someone looking into his eyes so deeply, knowing everything there was to know about him. But Robert felt a calm descending over him, a feeling of safey. Aaron softly asked him again, “Robert. Why are you here?”

Robert made a face, a slosh of sadness in his chest threatening to tip him over. “ _You._ I can’t do without ya, can I?”

Aaron nodded tearfully, mustering a watery smile. “Can you not?”

“I love you,” Robert said, his voice breaking. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I left you. I just wanted to do the right thing for once. Just wanted you to be happy.”

“I know,” Aaron said thickly, tears freely flowing, new ones quickly taking the place of the ones he wiped away. “I know you did. You don’t...you don’t have to be sorry. I _love_ you.”

Robert dipped his head, not wanting Aaron to see him in tears, see him falling apart, but Aaron was moving towards him, reaching out.

“Robert,” he said, his voice cracking as Robert shook his head, undeserving of comfort from Aaron of all people.

But there Aaron was all the same, his fingers closing around Robert’s forearms, his thumbs moving comfortingly against the fabric of Robert’s blazer. Aaron had such an open look on his face a blind man could have read what was in his heart. Robert swallowed, something breaking and crumbling inside him, a dam bursting and letting all his grief flood his veins, made into nothing by the warmth of Aaron’s eyes.

“I _love_ you,” Aaron said, _fiercely_. “Letting go of you was the hardest thing I’ve had to do. I tried to get on with my life, but all I wanted was _you_. I never stopped loving you, Robert, not for one second. Because I remembered...I _remembered_ how much you loved me.”

Robert’s chin shook as he nodded, that last plea coming back to haunt him. He’d been weak to ask that of Aaron, but he had needed it, to know that Aaron would never forget what they had. Someone had to remember him for more than the hurt he had caused in their lives. 

“I can’t lose you again,” Robert got out past trembling lips. “I _can’t_.”

“Then don’t,” Aaron said softly, his fingers curling tight into Robert’s blazer. Robert blinked at him mutely. “I’m right here, Robert. I’m here. If you still want me.”

Robert stared through a blur of tears. Would Aaron ever truly understand how much Robert wanted him? Needed him. “ _Aaron_. I will _never_ stop wanting you.”

Aaron's eyes sparkled and his breath seemed to catch behind his smile. He leaned in and pressed his lips to Robert’s in the gentlest of kisses. Robert closed his eyes, all of his senses narrowing to the warmth of Aaron's lips against his own, the scent of faded aftershave, of sweat, the feel of stubble against Robert’s skin. Aaron’s presence seeped through Robert’s skin straight into his starved soul, until all to quick Aaron pulled away, gazing at Robert with something like relief and hope meshed together.

“Missed you,” he said, looking pained at whatever memories surfaced with those words.

“Missed you more,” Robert said, trying not to think of empty nights in tiny cells, no one to hold, no one to be held by. 

As if Aaron had an ear pressed to Robert’s heart, he let go of Robert’s arms to pull him into a hug, bringing Robert’s wandering mind to a blissful standstill. He rested his head on Aaron’s shoulder, thinking of that last agonising embrace, that kiss which was _goodbye, I love you_ , and _sorry_ all rolled into one. How could that have been the end of them he'd wondered countless times.

But it wasn't, was it? It was just an interlude. The end was still somewhere out there. Undecided. Unwritten.

Robert wrapped his arms tight around Aaron's shoulders, pulling him close. He promised himself he'd never let go again.

As long as he had Aaron, he had everything.

**Author's Note:**

> Best ship that ever sailed - OTP - they invented love blah blah blah and the rest of it, I feel it, I support it, it's been emoshe. You can judge how much from all the extra bits linked in this [Tumblr post](https://danveresque.tumblr.com/post/631011876628742144/you-and-i-are-never-gonna-be-friends-aaron).
> 
> To all those who read and enjoyed this, thank you and it's been an absolute pleasure to share <3
> 
> #stayhomestaysafe


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